Australia

Immigration: The Waiting Place

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Dr. Suess talks about the dreaded Waiting Place in his book “Oh the Places You’ll Go.” I’ve read this book so many times and it really is one of my favourites. I follows the young protagonist through life where the hometown is left behind, where you soar to great heights, and also have the times when you are in a slump but overall, you always get back up and keep going. It’s a great story and one that my therapist gave me after dealing with the head on collision. She even read it out loud to me while I sat on the couch with her chair pulled up closely to me. It was special and I still think fondly about it.

The Waiting Place is this place where you don’t want to be. It’s the place where life is put on hold because you have to wait for something or someone. For the past almost two years, I have been in that dreaded waiting place. It sucks. Honestly it really sucks. Due to being rather independent, and by the advice given through the Immigration hotline, we didn’t apply for a Partner Visa, and subsequent Permanent Residency because if we waited until after the 3 year anniversary of us being exclusive, then the application would pass right through and I’d be granted the PR straight away. So we waited until after that date, which happens to be August, and applied in September, in between my hospital stays just before bub came. Like we didn’t need another thing to go askew at that time, really? It still makes me mad even though I try to let it go.

We didn’t get a pass because there wasn’t an official document, such as a real estate form, or a joint bank account opened literally from the day we declared our exclusivity to one another. I would be really suspicious if someone I was dating from another country did say something like “hey let’s be together AND let’s open a joint bank account today”. I would be so suspicious. I don’t think that normal people think of things like that, we certainly didn’t. So even though there is a huge record of everything else, including newspaper articles, lots of statutory declarations by friends and David’s family, we were still put on hold… and back to the Waiting Place for another year.

The 2 year mark of applying is coming up, so I am hopeful that PR will finally be granted. The thing is that, unless you’ve ever been in a situation like this, you have no idea how much stress it actually causes. Really, at this point because I am on a Partner Visa (which was only granted after a year of being on a Bridging Visa, that I can literally be asked to leave the country where my entire life is now, where my husband and my child are. I try not to get all doomsday about it, but it really sucks to not have that feeling of security in life. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about how fragile it all is. It also makes me angry, or upset rather, that we have done every single thing correctly, we truly are in love and committed to one another, we are married, we do have a child, I even went to University here so it’s not like I’m a fly by night person, and we still haven’t been granted the okay to permanently reside here, or rather I haven’t. The thing is that it does effect my husband too. We’ve had to have the conversation of what if… and if we would move to America, which would cause all kinds of upheaval. It’s such a challenge and it really feels unfair.

When looking at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, at the very bottom is your shelter, the place where you live. Now for the first few years here, I was here on a working holiday visa, and then a medical treatment visa and I accepted that I didn’t have that foundation set, and still worked with it, I mean I kind of had to since I needed to stay in the country to recover from the accident, which was a long and challenging process. My soon to be husband and I met during my medical treatment visa, and even when we decided to be exclusive, I knew that the foundation was still not there and didn’t want to apply for a partner visa straight away because unfortunately I have had relationships that have not worked out and I wanted our love to grow as it would with me being independent, and us not having to think about anything else like but to just be romantic, and enjoy one another. So when I was on a student visa for a couple of years, we continued to develop our relationship, became engaged, all of life was really starting to flourish, the way that true love does, organically, authentically, nicely, and without any pressure of government or any outside agency. I accepted at that time that I was still not setting my foundation in my hierarchy of needs, but I we were solid in our relationship and we knew the next steps would come.

After I graduated it was suggested time and again when I would call to immigration, and when i would look online, that for time and money sake, it would be most efficient to apply after that magical 3 year mark of our anniversary. So instead of applying for Partner Visa, I went for the Post Graduate Work Stream visa, and we had projected to apply for the PR in the next stage, again after the 3 years. Well during my Work Visa, we got married, fell pregnant on our wedding day, and then had a crazy difficult pregnancy. At the very beginning of the third trimester, I was in hospital, and it wasn’t looking so good. So in between hospital stays, we went and applied for PR. It had been after the 3 years, and it should just go on through, as it was suggested strongly by so many people from Immigration.

For the next almost 2 years, the lack of foundation has been so apparent and something I cannot help but think about, specifically because it isn’t just myself and my husband who we need to be concerned with, we have a child and that child is completely dependent upon the two of us, not just one if I have to leave. It’s such a horrible position to be in. The lack of foundation when I have a family to think about and care for, is really heavy on my heart, a lot, consistently. I try my best to not let it get to me and just trust that it will all be okay, I will get PR and my family and I can actually live life like we really do live here, all of us, all of us. This is making me cry right now as I type this. It really sucks. It’s so unnecessary to have to go through this, especially with a small child.

I am so ready to move out of the Waiting Place and move on with our lives. I don’t want this to continue taking up mental headspace. I want to really build my life with my husband and our child with a firm solid foundation in place.

Why do I think it needs to be hard?

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Somewhere deep inside of my programming there is something that has encoded that in order for me to justify what i am doing, it has to be hard, it has to be hard earned, it cannot be easy, it has to be something that I overcome in order to succeed at.

It’s like I stifle myself in the chapter I am in by making it harder than it needs to be. Even when I was healing after the head on collision, sure it was a challenge, but I probably made it harder than it needed to be. I do look to the bright side and maybe it’s because I put myself into places that need that outlook? It’s an interesting thought to dive into.

Even when I was travelling like a nomad, I wasn’t happy in it, not really, yeah there were moments, but overall, there was a sadness about me, I notice it looking back. I even made that foot loose and fancy free stage of my life harder than it needed to be searching for a place to settle down and create a new version of my life, when of course in hindsight, that stage was just a nomadic stage that wasn’t meant for roots, or at least I didn’t allow those roots to form.

I wonder if it also has to do with my ambitious nature, of wanting to be someone who is recognised, of wanting to be someone who is making a positive difference in the world, of wanting to be someone who really is helping others be their best selves. I wonder if all along I’ve been doing that, but have overlooked it because it didn’t fit what my version of success based on other people’s version of success, looked like. I wonder if my grass is always greener approach has actually taken away from the life I have been in, in favour of the life I have been searching for, or have been aiming to create.

Even now, living in the Western Suburbs of Sydney, I make it harder on myself that it has to be. I look at bad side of this area like the crime, graffiti, the fast food eating people not taking care of themselves culture. I do focus a lot on the Mum and Bubs that I have become close to here, and that is the bright spot, along with living not too far from the Blue Mountains, but beyond that I have been having this strong feeling for almost two years since being here, that this is not where I belong, this isn’t where my family belongs, and have been pinning for a move back to the lush land of the Northern Rivers where we were living. It’s like I have made this stage harder because of that, because up until recently I wasn’t as grateful as I could have been about being here, and that definitely tainted my view and my experience.

Now as a stay at home mum with my son, I know I have made that harder than it needs to be based on the feedback loop of sharing how challenging it was. I’m still sitting with that because it was liberating to say that it was challenging and that it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wonder now if it’s also part of the fact that I was feeling a bit helpless in it all, that I hadn’t taken a job and done that route and put bub in daycare, or had a live in demi pair the whole time. It’s almost like at this stage of life, I really really should have only focused on being a mum. Not focused on trying to start a business, trying to do anything other than learn how to be a mother, and learn how to be a wife and a mother. It’s a big deal, a really big deal, and like anything I want to do my very best at it, and by side tracking with these other things, it hasn’t helped me along. It was me trying to grab at things to help save myself from myself or something, I’m not really sure, but it didn’t stick, so there must’ve been a reason behind it all.

As long as I ease into being a stay at home mum with my bub, life is good. I am happier, I am more content in my life, I am a better partner, I am more creative, all of life is better. When I try to add on too many things, I get out of balance, and that makes me frustrated and those feelings come out in various ways that aren’t so great and that sucks. I want an easy flowing life. I also want to have all the resources to have an easy flowing life so that my husband isn’t worked to the bone. I know in time, it will all be okay and I will do other things, but for now, I really do want to focus on being a mother and being the best woman I can possibly be. The rest will work itself out, I know it will.

This all feels very revelatory for me. It feels like I am uncovering truths about myself and how I operate and they can make a difference in my overall happiness and the happiness of my family, which is highly important to me. I really hadn’t planned to have a life like this when I was younger, so I really am learning a lot as I go, in every moment. Plus my growth game is strong and I value that I am always evolving into a better version of myself.

So what can I do now? Be easier on myself. Allow the flow. Really focus on the goodness in life, right here, right now. Be grateful. Create. Rest. Love. Allow things to happen as they will. Be present. It’s all happening now.

Reimagining the Immediate Future

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So I want to live in the Northern Rivers. I do not want to live at the farm. I do not want to be stretched so thin trying to make everything work because it doesn’t work. I want to have some land so I can have a garden and grow fresh vegetables for my family. I want to teach Abraham about the beauty of nature this way. I want to have a small orchard of fruit trees that produce different fruits in different seasons so we always have fresh fruit available for us to eat and share with others. I want to have space so that we can have enough room to entertain people, so that our house is the house the everyone comes to. I would love it if we had a swimming pool, and a large covered outdoor area. I would love it we had a really nice spacious kitchen and a spacious lounge and entertaining area. I would love to incorporate indoor outdoor living with wide glass panelled doors that open up letting all the fresh air in. I would love a house where everything works and is well kept. I would love to have my own studio at this place so i could retreat when I wanted or needed to create in my own energy, in my own space. I would love it if I created a lot of something that other people found value in and gave me money for, allowing me to stay at home and be around for bub, while bringing in money. I would love it if my husband also had the flexibility to stay at home to work and not have to be away 5 days a week, only seeing our child a couple of hours a day at most. I would love it if we had a little granny flat with a couple of rooms, one for a woofer to maintain the gardens and house, and the other room for an au pair to help look after bub. I would love this kind of arrangement. I would love to have the feeling and know that we had enough money to afford this lifestyle. I would love to have to have the flexility to live a life where I get to choose how and when and where I live it. I would love the feeling of a resort lifestyle at my own home, here in Australia with my family. This is what I want. This is what I want in the immediate future.

The contrast of living in Western Sydney has been enough for me to unequivocally understand that it is not the place for me to be. It is not the place where I belong, and consequentially, not the place where my family belongs. It is clear to me that I do not want my child who is now walking, to grow up there. It is clear to me that I want his earliest memories to be in a rural location with fresh air and a connection to nature. It is clear to me that safety is so highly important to me. It is clear to me that being in nature and being surrounded more more nature than people certainly brings joy and peace to my soul. It is certain to me that I flourish in places where I feel more joy and peace than I do in places where I don’t feel safe, where the air is bad, and there are people everywhere around.

Yes and thank you.

Older Women

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When I see an older woman doing life right, I really try to observe her ways and learn from what she is doing. By “doing life right” I really mean, that she is healthy physically, seems to be nicely emotionally stable, and is well groomed. I guess it’s because I want myself to be like that, and I don’t really know that many women who fit this bill within my close personal circle, so when i see them, I want to know more.

My mother and I have had a strange relationship most of the life that I can recall, and her habits haven’t been so positive over the years. Even though now she doesn’t do any hard drugs, that was a mainstay for quite a while and it definitely took it’s toll. My grandmother looked after me a lot when I was growing up and I have noticed that a key to thriving in that 3rd stage of life, beyond 70, is to keep active, and eat lean meals.

My interest lately has been with women who are in their 50s and 60s. I’ve noticed from a woofer of sorts that we’ve had at the farm who is pretty healthy, that she has quite a routine with her meals. Every morning she has a bowl full of fresh greens, with healthy fats like avocado and a drizzle of olive oil, a dark piece of toast with chopped up fresh garlic, all kicked off with a shot of apple cider vinegar and a small glass of Vitamin C. Then about midmorning she will have a small shot of espresso with a tiny piece of healthy cake that she makes with dried fruit. This is her routine every morning.

This older woofer also gets out in the garden, and goes to regular meetings for something anonymous in town. Her interests are obviously in design and she keeps up to date with magazines from the library and others that are all current. It’s almost like she studies them. She keeps a very clean house and uses natural products to do it. Everything needs to be in order, and her room is nicely decorated despite not having too much stuff. She wears a beautiful kimono at night and in the morning, and seems to really enjoy that kind of luxury. Overall, I really like observing her and seeing what she does so that I can emulate it or at least take in a bit of it to help out my own life and longevity. Like anything in life, I’ll take what works for me, and leave the rest.

It’s really incredible to have the opportunity to actually live with people of different ages. There’s a difference when people are in their own home versus when they are out. You really get a truer sense of who a person is when you see them at 7am in the morning, or watching their daily habits. It’s really fascinating to me. It’s much easier to understand people when you see who they really are, not the version of themselves that portray in public. I appreciate looking behind the scenes of it all.

I would love to have a female mentor in that age group, in her 50s and 60s, who has experienced a life similar to mine, and has been able to really succeed emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I would absolutely love that kind of relationship in my life. A win-win for both of us.

Return to Uni Campus

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Today I was invited to have a catch up coffee with one of my old professors from Uni. How lovely it was to return to the lush Lismore campus! I could easily feel that relaxed vibe that oozes out of Southern Cross University. There were cute boho girls, surfy guys, dreadheads, asian students, and the academia. It was wonderful. My old professor teaches Marketing Principles and says they still use my example in class from a project I did nearly four years ago! That was quite the compliment to be honest. He then went on to tell me I was definitely one of the best students he has ever had, and that also felt really good to hear.

Truth is, I do know that I have amazing potential, that I am enthusiastic, fair minded, I enjoy problem solving and am a great communicator. I sometimes forget it seems, and it’s so nice to be reminded. I felt like I had to explain why I hadn’t achieved more than I have because I chose to get married and have a baby after graduating. I felt like I had to make excuses in a way, which felt kind of weird. I then remembered that I have actually started a business with my husband, the poultry processing business and it is actually running and brining in cashflow now. I always have these big images of what my business will be like, and how I will impact the world, and somehow I just ignore these other more mundane or less exciting, things in my life, even though they are also important.

Just for fun I keep up with Marketing topics via books, blogs, and general perception. I enjoy business and I enjoy marketing, so I naturally want to learn more about these, and I do. My learning certainly has not stopped since I graduated from University, it was just a nice restarting point for me, and I am grateful. I was asked if I was going to pursue my PhD or get my Masters, and I said that both were on my mind, but wasn’t sure when. I said I really needed to get my permanent residency first, which surprised him as he was certain I was already a citizen here. Yeah, I should be! I will be. Just not quite yet apparently.

It’s interesting to think of all the options out there in the world, ready and ripe for my taking. I trust that I am exactly where I need to be in life, and also trust that I am doing what I need in order to move forward in the best possible way. How nice it has been to be back home up here in the Northern Rivers with the divine weather and loving vibe.

Full Cup

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My cup feels so incredibly full right now. So full of joy, so full of warmth and love. It’s in the Northern Rivers where I feel this kind of ease and peace. When I was driving back from the shops, I saw my moon, the sliver that looks like a smile in the sky. Its the moon that I see as a reminder that I am in the right place. I looked up as I drove and said out loud in the car by myself “I know, I know”. This is the place where we need to be, where I and my family need to be.

I started to demand that the Universe show the steps, show the way now for this to happen. I am ready, I have never been more ready than right now. Our child is ready and it’s time for him to be spending more time with his grandparents while they are still able. It’s time for us to have the comforts and security of having money along with healthcare. It’s time for all of this. I love this feeling of a full cup, and I want more please. Thank you.

Driving as Meditation

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Oh how I love a road trip. I love the open roads, I love looking out to the big open sky, I love the changing scenery, and I love my mind unleashes in the car. It’s interesting when sitting in one place for hours on end, with a direct focus on the road, instantly puts me into a meditative state. It’s wonderful. It’s lucid, it’s both relaxed and alert, which is something I strive for in general. This happens as soon as I’m out of the city and on a stretch of road that I know I’ll be on for a while. It’s wonderful.

I have taken many road trips in my life and have taken solo ones as well, which I highly recommend to every person, just for your own growth. These days my road tripping is generally contained while on vacation, or when heading up the farm which is a full long day of driving. I honestly don’t mind it though. I find it rather soothing, as long as it’s not dark!

My mind comes up with such amazing thoughts, ideas, insights, and flares of brilliance when I’m driving. On a few occasions I’ve actually recorded it, but not nearly enough. It’s a great time to actually talk out loud and speak whatever is brewing at every level of my mind and heart. It’s sometimes totally divine and just comes out so easily.

I’ve often found refuge in my car, even from a young age. I would just go on drives by myself. Sometimes I still even sit in my car even after I’ve arrived some place because it feels comfortable to me. It’s a safe place, it helps me to go where I want to both physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have worked out so many emotions when driving, and it’s not reserved just for rage.

Music is a natural companion in the car as it speaks to the soul on a different level, and what better place than when you are on a road trip and in that relaxed yet alert state, so perfect. It’s also so perfect when the radio keeps scanning because there isn’t a station that can be picked up. That’s a great time to dive inward. Recently I was listening to a audible book and it was also so perfect to listen so openly, I am certain I absorbed those words more effectively than if I were doing much of anything else.

Meditation doesn’t have to be sitting lotus position with your eyes closed. It is available all the time, in so many different ways and I am thankful to realise and experience this for what it is, expanding consciousness and awareness, even when going from point A to point B.

Home

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Returning to the Northern Rivers is like coming home. It well and truly feels unlike any other “Home” I’ve felt outside of Yosemite National Park. I have never felt this warm loving way about my actual hometown, nor the place where I went to University. Those were all places that I lived for a while, grew in, and then left. This however, this feeling of home in the Northern Rivers of Australia, is indeed home.

What is that feeling? It’s a warm mix of familiarity, love, openness, and a real sense of connection, of closeness. It extends beyond just the beautiful nature, and the friendly people, it’s in the air, it’s in the soil, it’s on the radio, it’s everywhere around.

Returning to the farm and seeing things of mine from before, before having baby even, it almost feels like what I have read about other people going home on Christmas holidays or the like. To me, it truly feels like this is my home, like actual home. I have grown so close to my husband’s parents, and I love them. I love them as though they were my own, and with a deepness like I have always known them. I love getting to come back home and experience this again, it is so special and I hope to one day make my own “home” that feels like home.

Autumn Farm Grown Mandarins

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Earlier after we arrived at the farm, my mother-in-law, my son and I went out to the mandarin trees where hundreds of the laying chickens are. It was in the afternoon and the autumn weather was absolutely perfect, maybe 25 degrees, with blue skies. The chickens gathered all around while we picked and ate them right there on the spot. How sweet life is.

My darling son learned that he could feed the chickens and they would come closer to him, so he would grunt for me to give him a piece of mandarin, he would then put it in his mouth and then give it to the chickens! So funny that guy is! He did this all from his pram before we moved on to the other fruit trees. One chicken even pecked his toe, and from angle it looked like she had his whole toe in her mouth for a split second, but it didn’t phase him at all! I on the other hand encountered a spider when reaching through the mandarin tree and dropped the mandarin and let out a squeal!

I love sweet moments, sweet country moments like this. They warm my heart and my soul. I also really love getting to spend this kind of precious time with my dear Mother-in-Law and her 18 month old grandson. It is so sweet. I can literally feel my heart pounding as I type this. We don’t have much family around, and it’s so nice when we get to spend some time together.

Divine Intervention Anniversary

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Today is the 6 year anniversary of my Divine Intervention, a la head-on-collision that I experienced soon after arriving to Australia. Six years. Wow. What a life changing event that was and I am so completely and utterly grateful. Talk about silver linings! Since then, I have found the absolute love of my life, gotten married, created an amazing child, graduated from University, and grown in countless ways that have helped me to evolve into a really well rounded woman and human being.

So grateful. You never know how it all goes together, until looking back at your life, it does all connect, and it does all happen on purpose.

I am so lucky.