Australia

Lazy Sundays

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Sundays have a different feel altogether from the other days of the week. It’s almost like a calm comes over Australia and people just relax into the day where you don’t really have to do anything. It feels great.

I love to ride that energy and fully enjoy a Lazy Sunday with my family. It’s nice to just lounge and take the day at a snails pace. It doesn’t happen often, and perhaps that’s why it’s so nice. Today was one of those days and the weather was perfectly suited with autumn drizzle. Again, something that I like in small doses, to switch it up a bit.

We all need these kinds of days, where we can truly relax. In a world where being busy is the norm, the change helps to reenergise and allow for a recoup before the next surge of energy, the next project, the next endeavour.

One Million Dollars

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Truth is we really do need one million dollars. Well, specifically Nine Hundred and Ninety-Five Thousand dollars plus fees for buying the land. It’s my husband’s family’s farm, the bulk of the acreage. The family does need the money, his parents are in their 80s and they need to look after this next stage of life, which includes building a specific place to grower in, and having a carer. The other part of the farm, the smaller acreage is still theirs, but it only has about 3 usable acres, with the rest on a slope with trees they planted years ago, which apparently now they can’t cut down due to the possibility of koalas going through there. As much as I understand the koala situation, I also have never once seen a koala there and haven’t heard of seeing one ever.

We need to be the ones to buy that portion of the farm. It needs to be us because we will continue to treat the land fairly, we won’t infringe on his parents, we will allow the poultry processing plant which is on the smaller acreage to continue, and we will be great neighbours. We want to build a house on the farmland so that we can raise our son, and possibly other children if we have them, there too, just like my husband was raised there.

I ought to not go into too many details but I can say that the family farm and land is all under a trust and because of that the members have to vote on what happens, and not everyone wants the land to be kept. Not everyone has the attachment, and not everyone has the keen desire to see it kept in the family either. I’m not going to judge, but it certainly affects us and we have to deal with it.

After calling council and realising that they have a rule in place where a farm zoned area cannot be broken into smaller acreages other than by two, apparently, then the 110 acres must be sold in two lots as they are. They do this in order to stop people from whittling down the land to keep it farmland. Honestly there is no way in hell that a property that is one million dollars would ever recoup that running cattle, or chickens or any other animal that is suitable for that hilly land. So farmers are cut out of the option. Next would be someone who wants to buy the land and build a house on the “million dollar view” land, but surely they wouldn’t use it for farm land, unless it was a hobby farm and they didn’t need to generate money from it.

Since we are in the start up phase of our family life, we are not in the position to have that kind of money laying around, especially because I chose for me to stay at home with the baby to be the primary carer and to ensure that he is well looked after. I do not regret this one bit, AND I’d like to have the money to do this anyway.

So in essence I felt very sad, frustrated, dismayed and physically in pain when I saw the farm posted up on the real estate web page. There it was, with my mother-in-law’s Simmental cows grazing in the paddocks. It’s been talked about for a while and I’ve know this was coming, but something made it all too real seeing it posted along with every other property that is out there. It’s just so sad to me and I want to change this. We want it for all the right reasons, and I know life isn’t always fair, but I really want it to go in our favour, very soon and now, please.

8 Hours a Day

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8 Hours A Day

The only time I get

to play

to read

to cuddle

to laugh

to share meals

to learn

with my darling son.

He is 16 months old.

He sleeps

more or less

on average

16 hours in a 24 hour period.

 

With the thought of doing a job outside of the home, it’s almost like the decision has been made, almost in the same way that you know the answer before the coin drops and you find out if it’s heads or tails. I do not want to be away from my baby for 7 hours a day 4 days a week. I don’t want to see him in the morning and then not again until it’s dinner time then bath and bedtime. Just thinking about that makes my stomach turn. I chose to have Baby A. I had NO idea how much I would change in all of this, but I am not willing to sacrifice my time with him, for a pocketful of dimes. I know that we are tight financially, so I will find another way to help bring in cashflow. A way that has me still here within reach for anything that my baby needs.

 

In the last two weeks we have gotten an au pair and life has already felt so much easier in comparison. I really do a lot in my days to keep my baby and myself happy and healthy. I do a lot to help keep my husband happy and healthy. I do a lot to keep our house and our home environment happy, healthy, and clean. It’s not that I am sitting idle. Far from it. I do have some down time, and it does seem to pass by very quickly while he naps, but I need that down time.

 

I am just not ready. I don’t think he is either. We have the opportunity for it not to happen and I will find another way.

Applying and Being Accepted

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Recently I applied for a job and quite honestly it was like a breath of fresh air. It didn’t feel daunting or like I needed to have a million different and diverse skills that I didn’t have in order to get it. Granted I am way overqualified for it, it still felt so good. I didn’t have any pressure on myself about it and just did it all with such ease. I applied and it was easy. My cover letter was so straightforward about who I am and what I can offer. My additional correspondence for their extra questions was heart felt and totally honest. The phone call with the two brothers who started the music school, flowed easily and felt good.

 

How nice it is to feel like I am the top candidate and it’s pretty much up to me if I am able to work full time and then I’ll get the job. The thing is that I don’t want to work full time away from home, away from my baby. He’s almost 16 months old and I don’t want to sacrifice what may be a short term boost and have a negative impact long term. What I really want is something truly part time where I work on it no more than 3 days a week and still get paid for a regular work week. I must have that kind of flexibility in my life to make sure that I am taking care of my emotional responsibilities and I hold that in higher esteem now than ever before.

 

Ideally a job in the creative arts where I am in a team and I help make a difference where we all succeed and move up, and I’m paid handsomely, that would get me going for sure. Alternatively a job where I have a dedicated team of people who I work so well with, whom I am able to really make great strides moving forward in my own business and bring in way more cash flow than if I just worked for someone else, I would take that too. Either way, it has to be part time at this stage of my life, while my husband works full time, five days a week, and I cannot compromise on this.

With all that said, it really does feel nice to have such an instant rapport and to be accepted so readily. All businesses should have processes like this in place. By creating such an honest and very branded way of communicating, it sets the tone and the culture up so nicely.

Heaviness Before Change

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Heaviness upon my chest

heaviness upon my heart

slow breath

worry in my head

change is coming.

This feeling is familiar

it comes every time

just before the door opens

the door that I’ve been wanting

it’s all as I have scripted

and yet

I feel the weight of my world.

Is this how the caterpillar feels?

Is this how the fetus feels?

That feeling of being in the tunnel

seeing the small light

knowing it will only get bigger

and envelope me

changing my perspective

changing how I operate

changing how I see the world

changing how I interact.

That heavy feeling is with me.

The Au Pair starts tomorrow.

Baby is coming up to 16 months.

A huge adjustment for me

no longer the 2 hours a day I get to myself

to eat, shower, and clean up

I will not cling to this old way of being

it is time for me to emerge into the next stage

of who I am

of who I will be

of who I am evolving into.

Until then I sit with this heaviness

and thank it

for I know

major change

is happening

now.

 

Amazing Women

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Consistently in awe

of the amazing women

whom I happen to know

whom I share this journey

in some way,

around the globe.

They are fearless

vulnerable

real

progressive

inherently gorgeous beings.

These women consistently inspire

me, others, everyone…

their butterfly effect is massive

their ripples of truth create tides.

I believe that we are all reflections

so if I can see that they are this

and hold that space for them

because I want to, because I’m compelled

my space is also held

my light is also shown back to me

and we all grow and evolve.

It’s all SO beautiful.

 

Surrendering to Death (and Life)

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All things change. It is the nature of this existence, of impermanence. In the process of change, it is necessary for things to “die” so that new things can emerge. In the same vein that the phoenix rises from it’s ashes, from the fire, from death, to be this glorious and powerful being. Death is just a part of the life cycle.

Without change, with the passing of things, the passing of stages of life, the passing of who we were, it would not be possible to fully embrace who we are meant to be, who we are in this moment, who we will eventually evolve into. It’s really a beautiful process. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I do believe that within this one physical life that I am in right now, I have had many different “lives” all of which had a death, so that I could emerge into my new “life”. It’s very poetic and creative to me. I can’t see past what I don’t know, what I haven’t experienced myself. I can read up, I can imagine, I can listen to others, but in the end, it is from my own personal journey that I learn about life, about existence, about myself, about others, about life, and about death.

Surrendering to death at this moment feels essential. The death of who I was is quickly approaching. I feel like it’s been happening, that old version of me has been dying a not-so-gradual death. From the moment that I got married I felt a surge of new life. From that moment in that extreme rush, it was made possible because I surrendered and let myself go to the next level, I let the old fearful version of who I was go, in favour of the divine love and growth that I am intended.

In that big day of surrender, of death, we actually created life. As in we conceived our child that is growing inside of my body right now as I type and think about this topic. All of which was so easy to do, all of which was so natural because we let go of the fear, I let go of the fear I had held onto for countless years of not being good enough, not being worthy, not feeling like I could be a good wife, or a good mother… it was all fear, and it was about time that I FINALLY LET IT GO!

What a blessing it was to give into that death. Sometimes death comes much more rapidly, instantly, like when I had the car accident, in a moment life changed. I absolutely prefer the gentle lessons approach of gradual and conscious change with full intention and full awareness of what is happening. It feels more natural, it feels real, it brings joy, and feels really good. Gradual death to breath in new life with the right nourishment and the right amount of space is unlike any other.

In this process of now being a wife, and soon being a mother, I feel that the old version of me is dying so quickly. I appreciate that I was that person, those people, over all of those different chapters and I can only look back with gratitude but only for a moment because the truth in life, the truth in the moment, the joy, the love, is in this moment. Who knows how many more deaths I will experience in this life, but I do hope that they continue to be infused with an abundance of health, happiness, joy, and love. Thus far I’ve been so lucky in my life and I can only expect that this pattern will continue, especially from now moving forward.

Soon we will be living in our new house, living in the life we are setting up for us to be parents, to grow ourselves and our family. This brings me so much joy that I can hardly contain it. It makes me feel really blessed that I have died enough to get to this stage. I’m also still gestating and working on a project that will launch later this year as well, a program to help women change their love patterns. I can feel that I am dying here too, letting go of the fear of if I’m not knowledgeable enough, or whatever perfectionist tendencies I have had with it. This will also take on that phoenix story arch and I will rise about and lead the way with my fire, my light, all born out of the ashes of my past. It’s all so beautiful.

So here’s to death! Here’s to moving forward! Here’s to embracing life in ways that the “old version” would not have been able to! Here’s to the Joy that growth and change can bring!

Ratha Yatra Hinduism Festival

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My contact experience with Hinduism seems to be growing now in Western Sydney. Today we just happened to look up what was going on in the area and there just happened to be a Ratha Yatra festival happening nearby.

As soon as we parked and started walking towards the park where it was held, a parade processing was just starting! All the colours, the smiles, the dancing, happiness, symbols, drums, bagpipes, and chariots were enlivening! It was incredible! We were invited to dance along and be a part of the parade, which we did and danced in the streets for blocks and blocks! We helped pull the chariot along as part of the festival activities and I was overwhelmed with joy! It was all happiness, all good will, people holding hands, holding our hands, sharing in the event so freely!

Afterward there was a huge vegetarian feast completely free of charge and it was incredible! The thousand people or so all enjoyed the delicious homemade food while sitting in the park on this lovely sunny winters afternoon. It felt so good to be there and everyone genuinely looked like they were having a great time, the kiddos that were young, the teenagers, the adults, the young families, the elderly, it was incredible!

From the openness, the lack of judgement, the happiness, and good vibrations I’ve experienced at these Hinduism events, it certainly makes me feel very grateful that I no longer go to church and quietly sit in the pew hearing stories poured out like I did as a child and youth. Life is truly a celebration and I LOVED this experience today!