change

Total Transformation

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It has occurred to me in such a magnanimous way today out of seemingly nowhere, that I am undergoing the most profound and ultimate transformation of my entire life. I am reminded of this truth when I look to my navel and see that it now protrudes substantially from my core, that my belly has stretched in ways it has never known before in order to house the growing love being inside of my body. The emotional and physical flares that arise in the way of stuffy noses, tiredness, sensitivity, extreme joy, blissfulness and heightened sexual energy, all of which comes in waves and reminds me that I am amidst change. My mind is morphing with the hormones and the additional heart that is growing inside of my body. My mind may be having some conflict, which is creating these physical and emotional reactions, but nonetheless, my mind, my body, my emotional landscape are all changing in every single moment.

It is surreal to think that as I type this, as sit here thinking about life in the current state of now, that I have within me, not just one heart, not just one brain, but two of each. My body and spirit are feeding and giving life to another human being in this very moment. It feels slightly superhuman and absolutely divine as there are no other words to identify with right now. It feels like the idea of unison has been achieved and is happening all now. It was the united love and intimacy that brought this about. It is the joint wishing for this amongst an altar to Shiva, Ganesh & Paravati. It is the manifestation of our love on our wedding day, which allowed for this divine act of creating new life, creating a third life out of two.

It is only now that I am ready and prepared for this. It is only now that I am able to completely give of myself this transformation, this life changing process. It is only now that I truly love myself, that I found true love in another, which has prepared me.

I am learning lessons in each moment. I am learning how to be more kind to myself, to be more generous and gentle with who I am. My energy comes in waves and, sometimes, I just need to take it easy. This self love and compassion is growing daily which I know I will need once I give birth and am responsible for another. The fierceness of love and loyalty I feel for my husband is growing stronger and stronger. There is nothing greater to me in this world right now that the two of us, and our child that is growing inside of me, it is my family that takes complete priority above all else. It is in the ability to convert my own research and knowledge of food and nutrition that I am now able to easily create healthy meals for us. This may sound trivial and if this were the younger version of me speaking, she would have been outraged that I would even consider this to be so huge, but it is. I am nourishing myself, my husband, our child, our life with prosperity and healthy in mind.

It’s Thursday. I’m 23 weeks pregnant. I will never again be who I am in this moment, and it has never felt more true than it does now.

Surrendering to Death (and Life)

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All things change. It is the nature of this existence, of impermanence. In the process of change, it is necessary for things to “die” so that new things can emerge. In the same vein that the phoenix rises from it’s ashes, from the fire, from death, to be this glorious and powerful being. Death is just a part of the life cycle.

Without change, with the passing of things, the passing of stages of life, the passing of who we were, it would not be possible to fully embrace who we are meant to be, who we are in this moment, who we will eventually evolve into. It’s really a beautiful process. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I do believe that within this one physical life that I am in right now, I have had many different “lives” all of which had a death, so that I could emerge into my new “life”. It’s very poetic and creative to me. I can’t see past what I don’t know, what I haven’t experienced myself. I can read up, I can imagine, I can listen to others, but in the end, it is from my own personal journey that I learn about life, about existence, about myself, about others, about life, and about death.

Surrendering to death at this moment feels essential. The death of who I was is quickly approaching. I feel like it’s been happening, that old version of me has been dying a not-so-gradual death. From the moment that I got married I felt a surge of new life. From that moment in that extreme rush, it was made possible because I surrendered and let myself go to the next level, I let the old fearful version of who I was go, in favour of the divine love and growth that I am intended.

In that big day of surrender, of death, we actually created life. As in we conceived our child that is growing inside of my body right now as I type and think about this topic. All of which was so easy to do, all of which was so natural because we let go of the fear, I let go of the fear I had held onto for countless years of not being good enough, not being worthy, not feeling like I could be a good wife, or a good mother… it was all fear, and it was about time that I FINALLY LET IT GO!

What a blessing it was to give into that death. Sometimes death comes much more rapidly, instantly, like when I had the car accident, in a moment life changed. I absolutely prefer the gentle lessons approach of gradual and conscious change with full intention and full awareness of what is happening. It feels more natural, it feels real, it brings joy, and feels really good. Gradual death to breath in new life with the right nourishment and the right amount of space is unlike any other.

In this process of now being a wife, and soon being a mother, I feel that the old version of me is dying so quickly. I appreciate that I was that person, those people, over all of those different chapters and I can only look back with gratitude but only for a moment because the truth in life, the truth in the moment, the joy, the love, is in this moment. Who knows how many more deaths I will experience in this life, but I do hope that they continue to be infused with an abundance of health, happiness, joy, and love. Thus far I’ve been so lucky in my life and I can only expect that this pattern will continue, especially from now moving forward.

Soon we will be living in our new house, living in the life we are setting up for us to be parents, to grow ourselves and our family. This brings me so much joy that I can hardly contain it. It makes me feel really blessed that I have died enough to get to this stage. I’m also still gestating and working on a project that will launch later this year as well, a program to help women change their love patterns. I can feel that I am dying here too, letting go of the fear of if I’m not knowledgeable enough, or whatever perfectionist tendencies I have had with it. This will also take on that phoenix story arch and I will rise about and lead the way with my fire, my light, all born out of the ashes of my past. It’s all so beautiful.

So here’s to death! Here’s to moving forward! Here’s to embracing life in ways that the “old version” would not have been able to! Here’s to the Joy that growth and change can bring!

Sex and Gender?

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Perhaps I’m still trying to decide or decipher between the difference between sex and gender. I mostly see past these terms and see people as just people, which is likely why I accept homosexuality in such an easy way. We love who we love, we are who we are, we are constantly changing, we are souls housed in human bodies and we get to live on this physical plane experiencing life day to day in a tangible way.

People are very quick to tell me why I shouldn’t find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I are keen to find out though. Not for the reason to choose blue or pink or other stereotypical things, but more because it will aid in the bonding process. Also, it’s nice to be able to plan. Sure, we can’t plan everything, but at least I can visualise and start to dream about it in a more solidified way. Granted that in next week’s ultrasound where we can find out the sex, there is a possibility that we won’t, and even so that they may be wrong about it.

The sex of this baby will not necessarily inform their gender, although it might. It may have an influence on how they grow up in society, but ultimately it is up to them to choose who they are and what they want to be. We are just the parents, the ones who are to look after them until they are ready to venture out on their own. We are the ones who will lead them to the knowledge that we’ve discovered, but allow them to find out and discover and make up their own minds about things, about everything. This is true whether this baby inside of me is a boy or a girl. It doesn’t really matter. We’ll be happy with either, we just have faith that it’ll be healthy and will naturally bring joy with it. I know that we’ll also experience joy and love in ways that neither my husband nor I could have imagined. I know that all of this extraordinary change will happen regardless of what kind of genitals they are born with.

 

Revolution, Evolution, Lessons

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I have a pattern of naively jumping into situations, hoping for the best, and just going for it. This has worked out really really well at many stages of my life. At other times it has gone drastically the other way. Nonetheless I learn an incredible amount of lessons about life, myself, other people, processes, and mostly, grow through the experiences which have helped me to evolve to the person I am now.

Jumping in is kinda like a revolution versus an evolution, but enough revolutions can also create an evolution, at least from my life stories, I find this to be a truth. Lots of sudden changes that create a lasting effect. This totally makes sense to me.

For instance, my latest Revolution has been becoming pregnant. Although my husband and I consciously went into this, as in we had conversations, said we wanted to create another life together, and we made divine love. This sounds like evolution, but the condensed time frame of me removing my contraceptive device and us expecting a child was so quick! I once heard that nothing in nature moves slow, and maybe this is the natural evolution of human life, my life, our life.

Now that I am pregnant and we are expecting our first child later this year, I feel like I am learning SO much about gestating and being healthy along the way in body, mind, and spirit. By the way this has been very important to me anyway, but now that there is literally someone who is completely and 100% affected by my actions, I am super aware of what I am doing and am making more responsible decisions as a whole.

I’m learning about different parenting methods and which ones jive the best. Prior to starting on this path we talked about having an Au Pair immediately to help with everything. Although that certainly isn’t ruled out, the more I learn about the importance of baby bonding the more the weight and responsibility of being a mother to a child comes in.

What I do and how I raise this child will have an impact upon myself, my husband, the child, our family and friends, the community, the world at large as the ripple effect of life happens. This thought, this HUGE thought is leading to a personal revolution within my mind, within my body, that I certainly did not see coming. Not only is it a constant thought on my mind, it is becoming more and more of a focus about how our lives will be.

With creating my own family, I literally have the ability to change the world by bringing and raising a whole human being. This feels like an incredible gift and opportunity for my own growth, the growth of my husband, the growth of our relationship, the growth of our child obviously as well. I’ve worked so hard to develop myself to be at this stage, and I feel so equipped to do my best to help create an environment where the child feels whole, safe, loved, cared for. I do this for myself, I do this for my husband, it’s what we have created, it’s what we consciously create.

It’s been by the crazy revolutions in my life that have lead to this stage of gestation with conscious love and all of a sudden I feel like I should be charging forth on a white stallion waving a flag of love, of honour, of connection. My promise, my duty as a parent bringing a child into this world, is that I will do my utmost to ensure that I am able to be there and provide for this dependent being so that it can then evolve and create it’s own revolutions.

 

1 bliss filled i

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Perspective gained

integration time

universal eyes

of love

in love

all love

the spectrum illuminates

my worldly view

diving into a droplet

the leaf of a plant

a wave of the ocean

the heartbeat of a bird

or a child’s smile

even debating friends-

it’s all me.

I am all of this!

the balance remains

at the ened of the the day

as it was today

at daybreak

Integrating

Integrating

Integrating

1 bliss filled i

Private Space

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Such a bizarre occurance

inviting others into my space

my personal space

amongst my manifestations

stepping into my unique nest

reminders to myself – everywhere I look

now they do too…

color, lots of color

the myth genre story steps

post-its to breathe and have awareness

sensations

in my smell

in my atmosphere

using my daily personal bathroom…

Allowing others into my private dream

my private inner sanctum of the physical world…

letting others in…

Sharing the private personal me

in my lair

lucky I am to even have such

I am grateful. grateful for sure.

Dinner and chatting

dinner and chatting

dinner and chatting

Sharing of Energy

nourshing our bodies and our hearts

fortunate to have the space

and openness to share…

to have the opportunity to entertain

entertain or whatever that means…

Perhaps soon singing and music…

or sharing of writing may accompany a meal…

in an easy flowing non-obligatory way…

Oh how the flow changes…

how I am grateful to be sharing my space

my private personal space

a blessing it is indeed…

perhaps i can hold this space

of openness

after they are in my guard is down…

tread lightly

but be sure to share…

Be

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Build Metta

the more love and kindness the better!

Don’t stop believing

continue to practice

challenge old paradigms

laugh!

cry!

experience the spectrum!

learn!

integrate!

spread my wings

FLY, FLY, FLY!

Communal support

be a part of what is

be there

be here

be

Mother Nature’s Flower

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A sweet love

really?

no.

daisies and roses

thorns yes.

lovely fragrance yes.

beauty yes.

blooming to be showcased

to be experienced

then to wither

and bit by bit have it’s beauty removed

by nature

by the elements

the inconsiderate

impersonal elements of mother nature

she knows best apparently

and she’ll rob one of its beauty, youth

essence…

she’ll take it all.

so enjoy whatever it is…

NOW

NOW

NOW