evolution

Reproducing Thoughts Out Loud

Posted on by admin

I am a curious person by nature, it’s an integral part of what makes me who I am. I love learning new things, I love the getting the opportunity to explore and experience life in new ways. I love asking questions that go deeper, I love getting to know people.

When talking to a mum in my Mother’s Group recently and discussing whether or not we will have another child, I explored within myself why I am sometimes very much for it, and then again also not wanting to go there again. A major reason that came up when diving in to find why I do want another child was rather beautiful. I hadn’t put it into words quite like I did that day, but I’ll try again now. One of the most amazing parts of being a parent is that I have this incredible privilege to get to know someone else on such an intimate level, to know all about them and to really hold that sacred space. It’s such a beautiful experience that comes with a lot of emotions and overall it has brought a depth to my life that I hadn’t known quite like this before. It’s very different from getting to know a lover, it’s different from any other kind of relationship I’ve ever experienced. The parent aspect of the parent-child relationship is all about being there for someone else, and helping them, guiding them to learn and grow, helping to set up their foundations for their lifetime and it’s such a huge role, and so ordinary and so extraordinary at the same time. It’s so everything.

I would love to get to know another person the way I have gotten to know our son. I have really enjoyed getting to know his personality, getting to know how he thinks and how his mind works, to understand his emotions, and to see his process of becoming. He’s an incredibly special person and I don’t take that for granted at all, he’s such a gentle and kind person by nature. He’s intriguing and happy, and has the most infectious laugh. He tries and he likes to perfect what he does alone without my husband or I watching so that then he just does it when he’s ready in front of us like it’s not a big deal. He isn’t showy, he isn’t proud like that, he’s just someone who does what he does and takes his own pride in what he does. He loves to be around people, but even so, sometimes he’d much prefer to just play on his own, even within a group, and he chooses to do both on his own. He’s such a fascinating person and an absolute blessing.

It has been amazing to see my husband develop into the man he is as a father, as a husband, as a really strong role model who is gentle, kind, and supportive. He was made to be a dad and it’s such a blessing to see that happening in his life too. He would make an incredible parent to more children, absolutely and that is also a big reason why when I feel “yes” is the feeling, this is in that mix.

I have grown so much as well as a parent, as a woman, as a human being, man, so very much. I realised recently that a part of my letting go of social media in the past couple of months has been because it made my mind too confused. Seeing so many different lives of people whom I’ve shared life with at some stage or another, all converged in the same room, when truly they should be separated, they are meant to live in their chapters, and not be jumbled together. I’ve always looked at my life as having very distinct chapters, and by having all the characters, and all the chapters essentially open at once, I found it to be subconsciously, stifling to my growth. I am fully in my motherhood stage, but seeing other women my age that I know doing other things, like having careers that they stress out about, or vacations they take because they are still single, or even the ones who are single and putting their posts out there like that, it was just too confusing for my internal compass. I am not sure I like this part of myself, and I am trying to let this come out without judgement, but I am the kind of person who needs to know rules, the kind of person who needs to know what the standard is so that I can surpass it. It’s like I have to know what the benchmark is so that I can not only meet it, but create a new one. With social media blending it all together, it became entirely too confusing because I am not that, I cannot be all of that and still surpass all of it. I cannot be a newlywed couple anymore, I cannot be a single business owner anymore, I cannot be or live any of those old lives at any stage, because my own life is in a new chapter. My own chapter was getting muffled and I had to pull back and refocus on this current chapter with all it’s beauty, with all it’s glory, with all it’s life, with all it’s physical presence. I am here, I am here right now, in person, living my life, and this is where I want to have my headspace, not in some other world that I just happen to be able to access because I have the internet. I want to live the life I have and I find it so much easier to do that, and to appreciate it, when I unplugged from social media and really began living inside of my own life again. Even though I wasn’t actively comparing, subconsciously I was, and it wasn’t healthy. I wanted to be the most genuine or the most “real” because that’s what I know. There will always be people who are prettier, or smarter, or richer, or whatever, but I felt that my area was in being the most honest about what my life is and what was going on in it, so I went that route, but it didn’t really feel good, I looked for the confirmation via my “peers” who aren’t really my peers anymore, and that also became confusing. I definitely needed to clear that out and I have and am starting to see things in a new way, which feels much better. It was like all of a sudden my benchmark for everything came from the internet rather than from my real life. It was the same kind of thing that happened when I grew up in a small town and everyone who was popular copied the magazine look, or what was being shown on MTV. It wasn’t authentic, it wasn’t self generated, it was imposed by some outside force and we just followed along. I found I was doing that too, but that isn’t healthy, at least, it isn’t congruent with the way I want to live my life, with the creative and spontaneous way that I like to lead from within. It’s taken me a bit to step out and see this, and it’s still crystallising. From looks, to way of being, to everything… social media in all it’s guises became some big marketing machine and I really don’t want to be a part of that because it doesn’t feel good.

Wow. Okay, that was a bit of a tangent, but in essence, by cutting out social media, living in my own physical life, it becomes a lot clearer to me what I really do want in my life. Will we as a family every travel around the globe and be “that” family? Only if it happens organically. Will we be the family that is self-sustainable living on our own land and inviting our friends and family to enjoy life with us? That sounds more likely and more congruent with who my husband, myself and our son are as a family, and it’s been happening organically, it’s been happening because that’s how our life has been unfolding based on what we value and what feels the best to us. Wow, that feels great to get out. It’s so true too. This is who we are. Will we be the family where the mum is a corporate woman who puts here kiddos in daycare, no. Will we be the family who has our own business, that ends up supporting our lifestyle, quite likely yes. Will we be the family who everyone wants to be around because we are good, kind, gentle, fun, loving people? Yes, yes we will.

So will there be another person added to our family? I said recently that if my body was willing and we had unlimited resources then I’d love to have a big family with lots of kids. I would love that. It would be a lot of work and I’d need help, and it would be wonderful. If we had just one more, how great would it be? It would be great.

So when I think of “No” its because our life is really really good right now. Our son is really such an amazing person and we all mesh so well together. A part of me doesn’t want to rock the boat. I also have a fear in there regarding the pregnancy and birth, and if anything is wrong with the child, and if my body can successfully go through another pregnancy. These are all valid fears, and risks, and I’m aware that with having children so many variables come into play. Am I willing to go through the experience again of a NICU? Am I willing to go through the experience again of injecting myself with blood thinners twice a day for months? Am I willing to risk getting stretch marks? Am I willing to have a child with a disability? That last one scares the living hell out of me. Am I willing to have twins if that happens? That’s crazy but so intriguing. What if, what if, what if… what if the child is not like our son, or is like our son… I could play this game for ages… but it’s such a wild card… do we risk what we have for someone possibly even greater? Do we risk what we have with our small little family of three and allow someone else in?

Is one enough? Will we add one more to our family? I’m going to allow this to still simmer in my mind, and allow it to form… it’s becoming clearer… I hope…

A Pivotal Moment

Posted on by admin

The last time I had a scare in the feminine area, I had some precancerous cells taken off of my cervix. This was enough to scare the hell out of me and enough to light a major fire under my bum to change my life. I had been working for a corporation for about nine years at the time and at that stage I was the Accounting Manager for our operation at the Grand Canyon, and wasn’t really enjoying it all that much. I found that just because you are relatively good at something doesn’t mean that’s what you are meant to be doing. I had also recently left a long term relationship with a person who I should have stopped dating six months into it, but I was young, naive, and really he was emotionally abusive, specifically with mind games and I had a hard time navigating out of it, until right before I got the call about my very abnormal pap smear.

I was twenty six just made the cut-off age for the Gardasil vaccine to prevent anything else like that happening down there for me, I was living on my own, dating various guys one after another in a very short time frame, and was really lost. Eventually came this over the top very passionate Brazilian man into my life and I just needed everything about that at the time. I ended up resigning from my job and gave away everything I owned and moved to Brazil.

This crazy time prompted a total life change. A complete jumping of timelines into a complete different path and universe. I am so thankful that it happened and I did what I did because I am here now with this beautiful son and husband that I have.

So my mind goes into thoughts about what is going on in my life, and what needs to change because something major needs to shift externally as well. I am unwell in my body for some reason, yes it can just be a random event that is happening in my body, but I do strongly believe that my mind and personal well being really does have an impact on my health. It will be essential for me to create an environment that is more aligned with my values and life. I know this. I know this means not being in the suburbs even though I have a great group of friends from my mum and bub group.

I am open to change. I am specifically open to positive change that is beneficial for myself and my loved ones.

The Genre Must Change

Posted on by admin

If your genre always thinks its at the edge of destruction, it will never fully emerge into the next paradigm. Instead of holding onto the hippie movement, let go and embrace the next chapter. Take the good things with you, but don’t hold on to what was because it will never be that again. Let go of nostalgia, and do whatever you can to make this next paradigm the best version of itself.

If the mindset is always that “we are so close” then that’s all it will be, so close, but never actually gets there.

The mindset for actual change must be that it’s already happened. It must be of a thought solely of the new paradigm and how it operates. It’s about understanding the virtues of the new paradigm.

If the new paradigm is that technology is here to stay, then one must embrace it and use it wholeheartedly to avoid the heartbreak of the feeling of not wanting to be a part of something that is happening anyway. It would be a matter of embracing the “this is now” paradigm and making the most of it. of course, understanding the shadow side and still working with it as well.

The old is old, the new is here, let it be. Infuse the goodness of the past and work it into the future that is now. Holding on is a futile effort as it will always be filled with strife and disappointment because it is not what will survive in the future.

In order to emerge into the next realm of growth, of evolution, we have to announce that it is here, not that it’s coming. It is here. It is now. This is how the change can happen without holding on to what was because that is long over. That genre is over. It’s over. The next one is fuelled by it, but it is not the old one, it is its own new version.

In order to be the next version, you have to be The Next Version.

Announce that the new is here. This is it. Be in it. Breathe it in. Learn it’s ways. Thrive. Then Flourish and Lead.

Everything Matters

Posted on by admin

The stance “Everything Matters” and “Nothing Matters” are actually a part of the same polarity. They are each the extreme end on the spectrum of what matters.

After sitting days on end in silent meditation I had come to the conclusion that nothing really mattered in my mind. However, even though in my mind I thought that, I still strove to do my very best in my interactions, I began an open and honest relationship with myself about my emotions, and started really taking better care of my body of what I consumed.

So if the spectrum of nothing matters and everything matters are on the same line, then I can in turn think about the fact that everything matters, as I do live with the underlying idea that indeed, everything that I do, think, say, feel, matters. For some reason though in my mind I defaulted to “nothing matters” even though my actions showed that “everything matters”.

Now that this thought has arisen in my reality again, I am choosing consciously to also align my mind with the thought that I have been practicing that Everything Matters. Everything I do matters. Everything I say matters. Everything I think matters. Everything I feel matters. Everything I am matters. Everything matters. This is how I change the world.

The Nostalgic Point of No Return

Posted on by admin

Recently I’ve been having a realisation that I am in a relationship with my family and we as a whole have relationships with other people, family units, and places.

There comes a point in a relationship, when after you have left it, there is a time when you can return and are able to make amends, things can patch back together. However, after that time, say 2 years, if you go back, it’s mostly due to nostalgia of what was, of who the other person was, of who you were, and none of it is based in what is really happening now in your reality. When returning to a place that has already passed its point of nostalgic no return, at first you’ll be fooled by your self of all the great things, you’ll see it all through rose coloured glasses and things will feel almost better than ever before. However, in a week, the reality starts to creep in. You’ll start noticing all the things that made you decide to leave in the first place. You’ll notice that the show of good behaviour fades away and the truth of the situation, of the people, surface showing a reality that you don’t really want to be a part of anymore.

Two years, is a major amount of time when your growth game is strong. In two years, you can grow apart something fierce and still have the nostalgia to make you think that’s what you want, but in moments of clarity you realise that’s exactly what it is. The old place is the old place that entertained the old you. It’s where you grew in that stage of life. It’s a fine place to visit, but you don’t live in nostalgia as it stunts your growth.

In two years, from leaving the lovely regional area where I met my husband, we have lived in suburbs outside of Australia’s most populous city, we have had a child together, our whole lives have shifted and we are well and truly different people than we were when we first moved here. How can we ever really go back to what was, because we are not that anymore, that place is not the same either, we have all changed. AND this is all okay.

The better option is to take what you’ve learned and move into the new version of you, of your family, and align it with a location that fits your aspirations best, based on who you are now and who you are becoming. A place that supports your growth, your overall well being and your direction in life. Along with that, all of the right players will come in, at the right time, to help along this path, because it is the right path to take. It will be easy, so easy that we’ll look back at how hard the other path has been to get back to and realise that it was because that other path was never the path we were really meant to travel down together, as a family. It’s heartbreaking and liberating at the same time.

Life is meant to be easy. Life is meant to be joyous and fun. Life is meant to have more laughter than tears. Life is meant to be shared. Life flows along when you are in the path that you are supposed to be in. When aligned with the truth, all things fall into place, it’s that simple, it’s what happens. I have experienced this time and time again in my own personal life. The only time it gets hard is when I am out of sync.

By releasing attachment to the old relationship, the old path, the former town where growth occurred, it gives space for the new opportunities to arise, and they will.

It’s a blessing that things change. I also know it’s a blessing to feel that now I get to change with my family, as a unit. We together get to manifest our new lives together. We together get to build our lives how we want them, letting go of any past expectations, letting go of anyone else’s version of life. We get to forge ahead together and have the blessed life we deserve. <3

Navigating the Waters

Posted on by admin

In the last week, I have turned a corner, a major corner. I have started to allow someone else to look after my child in a maximum of 2 hour increments. This is a big deal. He’s now almost 22 months, and prior to now, I pretty much count on one hand the number of times someone else has looked after him besides my husband or myself.

I have so many feelings that are arising from this. Perhaps this is what primary carers of little people go through with this transition. Simultaneously wanting to have freedom and independence, but at the same time wanting to make sure that my little person is completely taken care of. The feeling of, YES FINALLY, I’m Doing Something For Myself, AND the feeling of guilt that someone else is looking after my most precious being, who is completely defenceless, completely incapable of articulating with words anything that goes on.

Exhale. I am doing that a lot, deep breathing. He is going to the day care option that is available at the gym I have joined. It’s all super new, totally customer oriented, and really top of the line. The classes are incredible, the machines are the newest available, the instructors are top notch, the child care is incredible. Even in the baby area, they have a huge play section that rivals the places you have to pay to go into for $12 for 2 hours where you have to buy an obligatory coffee as well. The carers are so lovely, so friendly, so very obviously kid people with big hearts and huge smiles.

All of this is good, I know it. I do. Me progressing forward by moving my body and getting back into shape, along with allowing the next stage of our lives to happen by me letting go and accepting help with my child. I know all of this, I know it’s truly all good. There is still a fountain of feelings coming up and I can’t ignore them. I even invited a fellow Mum from my mum and bub group to come over and watch a tear jerking movie that left us both sobbing, just so we could let the emotions out in a safe place.

The new chapter is beginning and I am grieving the last one. It’s normal, and it’s okay. I have loads of self compassion for myself and am being as gentle with me as I possibly can in this transition. I am also doing my best to be there for my son while he transitions, because it’s also a major shift for him as well. Such a big deal.

How could they?

Posted on by admin

My stomach is turning, my throat is tight, my brow is furrowed. I have blocked out the majority of my childhood, only a glimpse or two remain from before I was in my teens. Recently, as in about 20 minutes ago, I learned from a close relative, whom I trust, that when I was 4 or 6 weeks old, that my parents asked this relative to look after me for a couple of hours, so they could go on a motorcycle ride, and did not come back for 3 days. THREE DAYS! Three days they left me, their premature baby of 6 weeks, with someone else.

My relative only brought this up after asking if I had put my own child into preschool or daycare yet. I said I hadn’t, and that I honestly didn’t really trust it, at least not until he is old enough to speak. This is a deep untrusting level I have, and maybe this is where it comes from. She said that I was so different, like the opposite of my own parents, and told me that story jokingly. She of course didn’t realise how it would effect me, neither did I.

I feel so disappointed. I feel so sad. I feel so very angry and pissed off. How could they do this to me? Why have children if you aren’t going to take care of them? Really, and me? How selfish of them, it really is the opposite of how I am with my own child. No wonder I was reluctant to have children.

This all shows that even from the beginning they didn’t want to be parents. I had this rosey view now that I have my own child, that maybe in their early days they did care, that we really did have a family atmosphere, but clearly that is a fantasy, and certainly not one based on any memories, just hope.

External, internal talk: I love you Jennifer. I know this is hard for you. It is so very unlike what you would do. Try to have compassion. You are special, you have gone through so very much and look how far you have come. I know it hurts. I know it hurts to feel like someone doesn’t care, I know it must be devastating to feel like your parents didn’t care, but they did their best. You are highly resilient, and no matter what happened as a child, you are not destined to repeat their lives nor their mistakes. You are better than that. You are a beautiful, thoughtful human being, and you get to choose every single day how you operate in the world. Let this be fuel to make you better. Let this be fuel to understand your own self reliance, your own self worth that you have developed because of you.

I really feel gutted right now. NO wonder I’ve had self worth issues. NO wonder I’ve had issues with security. No wonder. Without a solid base, everything else is hard to build. I am so lucky that I have chosen this conscious route and have rebuilt myself as an adult. It still hurts though, uncovering a bit of the truth that is so utterly revealing.

Also just from a baby’s perspective, not having your parents there, for days on end. Not having the security of your parents for days on end. I know that can be overcome, like it has with Abraham after him being in the NICU, something I did not choose. However, it has taken conscious effort to rebuild that trust, no wonder I never really trusted my parents.

Women and Entrepreneurship

Posted on by admin

Every female entrepreneur in the scene seems to be the same same but different to me. It’s like they had this crazy corporate life, drank way too much in their younger days, had a series of relationships that didn’t fit, and finally came around to help other women get through and find what they are looking for in money, love, and health. I am also amazed at how many women have had eating disorders and now talk about them. I really had no idea that this many women really hated their bodies and were so bad to themselves in that way. This part I do not relate to on their journey, but I certainly relate to a lot of it.

The thing is as I hear it or read it, it just feels almost bland to me now that I’ve been exposed to this scene for a few years now. It feels like it needs shaking up. I know that not everyone is meant to be a one-on-one coach and that’s great, but I guess now everyone has the opportunity to publish their own work, be their own talk show host and a lot of women are taking advantage of this.

I totally support this. I really genuinely support women taking a stand and doing life a different way. It’s like we have to. It feels like we are moving out of the stage where we were trying to be like men, to a stage where we are owning our own space, way and process of getting there.

Giving Up Alcohol

Posted on by admin

I stopped drinking alcohol some time in late 2010/early 2011. I had was living in Australia, I was recovering from a head-on collision, I was meditating a lot, and just didn’t see that it had a place in my life anymore. I also valued having the clarity of mind and body over the feeling of escapism that happens when taking alcohol.

It is a big difference when you go out to places where people drink alcohol, and I try my best to avoid them. I don’t fancy hanging out in pubs, or in venues where people get drunk. Quite frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I can tell that they are under the influence and not their normal selves and it freaks me out a bit. There is only one exception to this and it’s when my husband has a glass of wine every three or four months and he gets this very relaxed vibe and then goes to sleep. I think it’s kind of cute and it really doesn’t happen often, so I just accept and enjoy it.

Choosing to stop drinking alcohol is not as big of a deal though if you start doing other things. I started doing other things that didn’t involve alcohol. I started getting involved with the theatre and although they definitely do drink in the theatre, they don’t while preforming and usually don’t while rehearsing, so that was a good option. I also started to be a part of a kirtan event in the local town and started to do other things that engaged me in ways that were better when sober. I guess that is the key, doing the things that are better sober, then doing those more. haha. That sounds funny. I’ll see if I can refine that.

The key to stopping alcohol and not feeling like a social outcast, is to go with the evolution that you are in, and find new social scenes to be a part of where being sober is normal. This is the key. Then it’s not weird. You may outgrow friends, scenes, venues, and your old self, but there is always another tribe, another version of you that is waiting with open arms.

Cheers!

Share My Merits

Posted on by admin

Lately when I have been meditating I have been creating a focus specifically about acting on ways where I can share my merits with others. I am keen to contribute to the growth and the support of others so that they can grow in beneficial ways and in ways that I can help.

Throughout my life I have had the opportunity of massive growth, of personal reincarnation again and again, of reinventing myself, of being the phoenix that rises from the ashes, of being my own hero on my own hero’s journey time and again. All of these evolutions, all of these insights, lessons, and developed awareness is ripe for the process of using it to help others. Absolutely ripe. I want to, I will, I must help others be their best selves too. It’s a constant process and I know it intimately.

When I was a little girl I would always end my prayers with “and please help me be the best person I can possibly be.” Now that I am an adult I have internalised that and now add to help me share my merits with others. So it shall be.