Parenting

Not Meant as a Single Parent

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Seriously I am not meant to be a single parent. Specifically, I am certainly not meant to be a person who has to solely look after another person who is dependent upon them. It is too much. Add to that the additional tasks of looking after elderly people and I am at a breaking point. I literally broke down in tears as I just couldn’t do any more. There’s a thing where I can hold it all together to a point. Then it will be something minor that is the straw that breaks the camels back. Today it was the criticism of too much salt in the meals I have been making after I was some how given the task of being the meal creator for everyone else along with myself and my little person. I am stretched too thin as it is. Not having family support due to geographic location and the rest of the family not being so family oriented, leaves the whole raising of the child to the parents. Then when one parent is away, it’s just that one person. Then to add more to that workload, it’s too much. Too much.

Also people forget what it’s like to have their first child. They also forget what it’s like to have only one child. It’s a big freaking deal. No one else occupies their time, no one else plays with them, it’s all left to me. It’s all, every thing, left to me. We have had a demi pair in the past and that has helped to alleviate that, but at the farm that isn’t the case. Everyone is so stretched here, and that is just the way of land, but now, for me at this stage of my life, it’s more than I can handle.

Exhale. This is me venting. It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m also so frustrated that I can’t fix the issues here, I don’t have the money right now to afford a million dollar property to help everyone out. I don’t have the means and it’s so frustrating. I feel like it’s all slipping away and I’m too taxed personally to do anything about it. Also being at the beginning stages of making a family it’s at odds with being at the beginning stages of building a grand fortune. I chose to have a baby with intention. I chose to have a baby so that I can experience this, so that I am there with the child. I don’t want to give that experience away to someone else, that isn’t what I want in my life. The solution isn’t just to send the baby to daycare so that I can work a full time job and bring in income and then see my baby for maximum 3 hours of wake time a day. It’s fucking bullshit. I am not doing that, I am not doing it that way and it makes me feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to find another way. Sure getting another demi pair will help. that will alleviate some time, but for christ sakes, when I don’t have the money to pay the freaking person, then i get someone who isn’t really qualified and I don’t trust them. So I have to be on hand, with my ear out all the time anyway. I don’t know how to win at this right now without having the financial resources.

This post isn’t really about being a single parent, it’s really about being frustrated with the limitations in my life, the lack of income, and the additional load of looking after others. That’s what it’s about. It’s that I feel this life is out of our reach. It’s that I need to just let go of the idea of buying the farm because it’s not going to happen. How on earth would I magically get 1 million dollars and then how would I then have money to do anything with that land after that? It’s too much and I can’t do it.

My husband is away at the moment and looking after bub full time all day every day and night, when he is not sleeping, is really wearing on me. I need help and if I do have another person in looking after bub, i want them to be an actual au pair, and one that I don’t then also have to clean up after, because that’s bullshit too, exchanging looking after one person to then look after another. This doesn’t make sense.

Additional thought after venting and 15 minutes:

Now that I’ve had a moment, the thing is that the farm needs help. They need help to maintain the farm, to maintain the egg business, to maintain the processing business, and to maintain the animals. On top of that my husband’s parents also need help. They need help by someone cleaning up the house. They need help by someone cooking meals. They need help for my mother in law who will likely have to have a heart operation. They need help to look after my father in law who has parkinson’s. They need help anyway because they are in their 80s. I also need help as I have a small child and that seems so minor when looking at everything else here that needs help, but I need help too. I need to realise that the farm is not mine to fix. It is my mother in laws, and she always says that it is a family company so it’s everyone’s even though no one else seems to really care other than my husband and I. It’s not enough. I am not the superhero and I need to understand that my position in life right now is as a mother to a toddler and as a wife to a husband who works non-stop. This is what it is. This is where we are, this is where I am, and somehow I just need to accept this so i don’t get into these big emotional meltdowns about it all. I am too attached to it and without help myself I certainly cannot help the rest.

I guess selling the farm is the right move. Then my parents in law can afford the help they need. They can stop doing the egg business and just focus on this small property. They can have a single woofer to help them maintain the yards and garden, and then it’s done. Maybe it really is for the best. Sure the person who buys the rest of the land may very well build their new house directly in front of this house, and that would be there right and then the view would be lost, and in turn this last part of the land would lose its’ value, and you know what, that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Sure the person who buys the land might protest about having a chicken farm next to them, and it would be there right, and all of the money we have put into it would be for naught, and that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Maybe all of this has to be let go after all.

Sleep

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It is amazing how sleep affects my life. It is more so an issue when I don’t get enough sleep. Having a baby is almost a contract to say that you vow to not get enough sleep for the rest of your life. At least, that is how having a baby has effected my sleeping patterns. If I am sleep deprived, I am more emotional, moody, I eat and drink more than I normally would, and I really struggle. I can certainly make it through, but it’s not my best, and it doesn’t feel good at all to scrape by like that.

My baby decided that 4am was the right time to wake up after a night of being up and down every hour or so since a short while after he went to bed. That’s a big deal. It was like this when he was a little baby and there was a point where my husband and I took shifts to so the other could sleep. So now when he’s 18 months old and a night comes like that, albeit it’s not as often as it was when he was brand new, it still carries such a weight with it. That weight is felt in my eyelids the next day, and even this evening as I type this out. That weight is felt in my body as I eat another burrito, and another tea. That weight is felt in my gaze as I drive, and it’s felt with every step when I heave him up to hold him on my hip.

It’s a big deal feeling slightly like a heavy zombie who has a dependent who cannot speak words and only demands via grunts and loud cries. You see, the baby is also sleep deprived. He also had a bad night. The poor guy. The situation with teeth coming in is rough. Almost any new growing pain that comes along can be really challenging for the little guy. Most of the time I realise this, but when I am also really tired, it definitely tries me.

I had to step outside with him at 430a into the starry autumn early morning just to jolt a change that would be different from crying inside holding him because nothing else I was doing was working. It did work, it helped us both actually. Isn’t the night sky amazing? I mean really, its so vast, so peaceful, so humbling. It’s hard not be taken aback a bit and feel that sense of awe and wonder, especially so when in the countryside where the sky is so clear and every star seems to be in it’s sparkling brilliance.

Sleep. I love you. Baby I love you. Now let’s have the things I love, love each other, please 🙂 Thank you. I promise I’ll be better tomorrow.

 

 

Sleep

Happy Mother’s Day

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Being a Mother is a big deal. It’s so much more of a big deal than I ever gave it credit, and probably still only know the beginning of it. I have learned that it is referred to as the “Initiation” when women become mother’s. It’s a leaving behind everything that you once knew in order to forge ahead in life as a wholly different person really. To experience such a wild transformation would of course yield major changes. It’s almost like climbing Mt Everest, something I haven’t done, but I imagine it’s similar. Having to battle the elements, with one foot in front of the other, feeling the weight of your bag getting heavier at each turn, then finally reaching the top, only to have to come back down again, exhausted, spent, and with new eyes.

It’s almost like major transformation requires that, it requires you to use every bit of physical and emotional stamina you have, it requires that you give everything, where nothing else is left, then you can make it through to the next stage of life. Being burnt to a crisp is so incredibly challenging, and I am sure that more women go through horrible post natal depression than they let on. I am sure that more women have battles with themselves and their choices than what they talk about. The image of the perfect mother getting back into shape, and carrying on like she wasn’t just broken physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, like a fast forward button had been pushed and suddenly it’s the same woman but now with a baby, is such a fallacy. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it isn’t this picture perfect image, not for any woman I know whom has actually divulged and truly shared what is happening for her in her life.

Even amongst the sample population within my mother’s group, there have been a myriad of situations including not healing all the way physically, having post natal depression, miscarriage or a pregnancy entirely too soon that did culminate in another child, relationships that were rocky, relationships that then ceased to exist as they once were, the push pull dynamic of needing to have 2 incomes versus having the mum spend these unbelievably important early years with the baby, it’s like every one of the women I know has gone through quite a bit with this. The challenge is real, that’s for damn sure. The perfect image is such bullshit, and I now know this firsthand.

So here’s to all the Mother’s who have made the most out of it. To all the mother’s who have silently dealt with their pain. To all the mother’s who have given of themselves so selflessly and have done it because it’s just what a mother does. Here’s to all the mother’s who nurture, who teach, who live in love every day, it is a special privilege and I am so thankful that I am one of them.

Pre-Motherhood Judgey Bitch

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Whoa. I used to be the biggest judgey bitch about how other people were handling, or not handling their children in public. It was not beyond me at all to roll my eyes, give dirty looks, and sigh heavily when I would be around a child melting down or wild children running about reeking havoc in the grocery store. I used to always ask to myself and sometimes loud enough to where they probably could hear… “why can’t they control their children?!”. I am certain that I was not the only single person in the history of single people to have said something like that or have behaved so appalling. I was just as bad and I certainly did not make the situation any better.

Fast forward to now, where I have a baby and know very intimately what it is like to to a child into the grocery store, or any shop for that matter. There are times when my child is just so over being in his pram, or in the grocery cart and he lets everyone around know. My baby has an incredibly strong voice, his projection is something that amateur theatre actors would love to have, and for him it just comes naturally. Oh so naturally.

Now when my baby has a melt down and demands that i give him a squeezy yogurt in the shop, you know what? I do! I give him the damn thing. I let my child eat the food in the grocery store before we even pay for it. Yes, I am that person. I am also that person who is trying her best to concentrate on what has the least amount of sugar so I can give it to him all the while he is yelling and sometimes producing real tears. It’s crazy. It’s so crazy that I know I am putting off a vibe for everyone around to move out of my way while I try my best to stay calm, take deep breaths and carry on. I do my best to stay composed and I do, I really do. Underneath though… oh lord. However, I know that I need to not give him the attention, or whatever in that moment, I just need to make sure he is taken care of. I don’t want a tantrum thrower, please, not one of those!

The interesting thing is that when I see other people with kiddos, especially while this is happening, I can see the compassion, they totally understand. Then I see the oldies and they may have forgotten and seem kind of shocked. Then I see all the singletons who are quietly judging just like I did. Just wait singletons… just wait until it’s your turn.

 

Better Body After Baby

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This is going to sound crazy. My body seems to be better after having a baby. Better as in, slimmer than before and stronger. I wonder if I have been naturally toning my body because I lift my baby, my top of the chart in weight baby, all day every day. If it’s because I am constantly picking up things from the floor, moving around and bending over regularly.

I was lucky, bitter sweet advantage of having a baby 32 weeks along versus 40 weeks, but it was really easy for me to lose the baby weight, I had hardly gained anyway, and within two weeks I was back below what I had started before getting pregnant. This then fluctuated with lack of sleep, crazy eating patterns, stress, and the whole transition into being a mum, but overall my weight stayed the same. My body however felt pudgy, untoned, out of shape. It even created such a concern to me that I tried a ridiculous body wrap which in turn caused more trouble than any good, I was self conscious. Fast forward about six months, and baby is now about a year and a half old, and seriously my body feels like it’s in pretty good shape. I have endurance, I have strength, I am flexible, and I feel strong.

So maybe this isn’t a fluke. Maybe this is what happens to a lot of moms but the media seems to focus on diet this, diet that, or how to “lose the baby weight” which all of those do more harm than good. I didn’t do any diet, I have just been aware what I have been eating, gotten more sleep, and I play with my baby on the daily.

So Much Love

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The amount of love I have been feeling for my baby, err toddler, is out of this world. Seriously, the dopamine must be pumping through my veins, as I feel euphoric a lot of times just cuddling with him. Gosh that feeling is amazing, it’s overwhelming at times, it’s like the feeling when you first fall in love and it feels so very warm, decadent, inviting, encompassing, and so very dreamy. I feel all of this and so much more when we are just cuddling on the chair. By cuddling, I really mean that he is sitting on my lap and I have one leg crossed so that I am holding him into place, and he lounges back onto me, essentially I am a cushy chair to him, and I happily oblige!

Interestingly this also corresponds with the recent notice that I can tell he is understanding me AND that he has a response for sure to what I am saying about what I am saying. It’s different than before, it’s like a click has happened in his head, and between us, and it’s so nice. He still grunts a lot and makes sounds but he does have a few words that he says that I know he knows what they mean, like when he says ahnana, for banana when he sees it. He also says dada and knows that is his dad now. He says mama, but certainly not as much as I would like for him to! 🙂

Also he has THE SWEETEST smile there ever was. I know I am biased because I am his mum, but for real, he does. He plays peek-a-boo with you, he shines that big beautiful smile where his entire face and being lights up, it is so precious. He garners the attention in a really subtle way where everyone just gives it to him and enjoys it too. It’s so sweet and certainly not look-at-me, over-the-top at all, he has a nice gentle way about him.

I just adore this baby, this little person, this unique being that I am blessed to be with on this life journey. How lucky did I get in life that I get to have this sweet boy AND an amazing husband. My cup runneth over and it’s wonderful.

8 Hours a Day

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8 Hours A Day

The only time I get

to play

to read

to cuddle

to laugh

to share meals

to learn

with my darling son.

He is 16 months old.

He sleeps

more or less

on average

16 hours in a 24 hour period.

 

With the thought of doing a job outside of the home, it’s almost like the decision has been made, almost in the same way that you know the answer before the coin drops and you find out if it’s heads or tails. I do not want to be away from my baby for 7 hours a day 4 days a week. I don’t want to see him in the morning and then not again until it’s dinner time then bath and bedtime. Just thinking about that makes my stomach turn. I chose to have Baby A. I had NO idea how much I would change in all of this, but I am not willing to sacrifice my time with him, for a pocketful of dimes. I know that we are tight financially, so I will find another way to help bring in cashflow. A way that has me still here within reach for anything that my baby needs.

 

In the last two weeks we have gotten an au pair and life has already felt so much easier in comparison. I really do a lot in my days to keep my baby and myself happy and healthy. I do a lot to help keep my husband happy and healthy. I do a lot to keep our house and our home environment happy, healthy, and clean. It’s not that I am sitting idle. Far from it. I do have some down time, and it does seem to pass by very quickly while he naps, but I need that down time.

 

I am just not ready. I don’t think he is either. We have the opportunity for it not to happen and I will find another way.

I Am a Mother Now

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So I’ve been struggling pretty much since I was pregnant with my new role. I had completely unrealistic expectations of myself and what I would be able to accomplish as this baby was growing inside of me. I had entirely too many projects on board, and became super stressed when my body intervened and made me slow down. Then came the near death scare for both of us (baby and I) and subsequently his birth and my proverbial death. I was so burnt emotionally, physically, mentally, and I really began to struggle, I experienced the darkest of times and perhaps it’s a flashback of being sliced open when I was full of fear and had tried to make peace with dying before they put me under, who knows, but weird violent images would go through my head. I feel embarrassed to even admit that, but I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this. Then after that came five weeks of going back and forth to the NICU seeing my baby. I was a mother, but I was so distant as I healed and as he developed in the humidcrib and with the breathing help. Finally after he came home, here I was, here we were, a family.

Baby will have been born ten months ago this month. It is only now that I am really understanding that I cannot take on other projects. Period. I cannot. I feel an immense amount of guilt when I am not able to do it and that doesn’t help me at all. My main priority at this moment is being a mother to a baby that needs me. He is eight months developmentally this month and can stay sitting up on his own when I help him into that position. He is no where near crawling, he needs me all the time.

Two days ago I had an incredible scare when feeding Baby A while out with another mum and bub. I was giving him roasted veggie bites, and all of a sudden he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t cough, he was choking. I could see it in his eyes that he couldn’t fix it himself, I picked him up and patted him hard on his back again and again as he puked, as the pieces started to come out, but they weren’t all gone, I had to fish them out of his tiny little mouth, and I held him close to hear him breathe, it took what felt like forever, but he did. I was so shaken from this, I still am, I have tears in my eyes as I am sharing this.

My job as his primary caretaker, is to nurture and love him. It is to protect him and ensure that he is safe. It is to help guide him and help him develop into his own person. My role is all consuming. I wake up in the night with my heart dropping every time I hear his breath change. I feel him so strongly all the time. When he cries, it goes deep into my soul, and sometimes it makes me cry too.

I love my baby so very much. My husband and I consciously chose to have Baby A and we are so lucky to have him. We are so lucky to be parents. I am so lucky to be a mother, to be Baby A’s mother. I never imagined my life to be quite like this, but this is my role, one that requires me to be here one hundred percent of the time for my baby, for my precious little person. My role is to be the best mother, the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Everything else will sort itself out. My role as well is to be a wife to my husband and to ensure that our relationship is going well and feels balanced emotionally and physically as well.

This is a totally unique time in my life and it will never be this way again. It is up to me to deal with my own emotions and not project them onto anyone else, especially not our child. He is a pure expression of joy, of innocence, of total trust. I am so lucky to be in this position. I am so lucky to have such a happy and joyous baby. I am so lucky that I get to be the one to hold him. I am so lucky that I get to be the one who is there when he wakes up. I am so lucky that it is me whom he reaches for. I am a mother now. This is my role.

Fallen In Love

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It’s taken me a while. Baby A is now 7 months old in actual age and I have just full fallen in love with him It feels great. I love to see his sweet smile and the way he looks at me. I love to watch and learn with him. I love to give him hugs and hold him close. I love to have fun and play with him. It feels very good.

I’ve loved him for some time, in varying degrees. It is nice to finally allow myself to fall in love too. I know he’s going to live, I know we are both healthy, and I know my husband is in love with us both too. It is important to me that my husband is in love with Baby A too. I really want us to be a family of love, of full love, not just between mother and son or father and son or even mother and father, but all of us in love together, as a unit, as an alliance.

The feeling of being in love is so magical. It makes me feel very good, it makes me happy. It makes everything in life so much more viivd and brighter. It makes life more joyous, and any perceived challenges as laughable and something that is kinda funny. The power of love is incredible.

I feel a sense of relief as well. It has been a rough patch for all of us and I’m glad that we are finally moving on with our hearts, minds and bodies.

Here’s to love!

Mum and Bub Group

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I am so amazingly grateful for the Mother’s Group that I’ve dubbed the “Lovely Ladies with New Babies” that I have here in Western Sydney. We meet every week and we just hang out, commiserate, share, and just are there. If all relationships are just a matter of being there for someone when they need then I truly do have ea relationship with these women. We laugh and cry together, we are vulnerable and able to really support one another. Having a new bub can be isolating, it’s hard work and it’s non-stop.

Today we all went out for a movie together and we rolled in like 10 prams deep and it was great! I felt more energy while out today than I have in a very very long time and it felt wonderful. I love having friends. I love that they are all in the same boat right now with bubs who also cry, poop, decide not to sleep, who grow out of clothes quickly, who know what it’s like to be in this situation right now. It’s truly a blessing.