perspective

I Am a Mother Now

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So I’ve been struggling pretty much since I was pregnant with my new role. I had completely unrealistic expectations of myself and what I would be able to accomplish as this baby was growing inside of me. I had entirely too many projects on board, and became super stressed when my body intervened and made me slow down. Then came the near death scare for both of us (baby and I) and subsequently his birth and my proverbial death. I was so burnt emotionally, physically, mentally, and I really began to struggle, I experienced the darkest of times and perhaps it’s a flashback of being sliced open when I was full of fear and had tried to make peace with dying before they put me under, who knows, but weird violent images would go through my head. I feel embarrassed to even admit that, but I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this. Then after that came five weeks of going back and forth to the NICU seeing my baby. I was a mother, but I was so distant as I healed and as he developed in the humidcrib and with the breathing help. Finally after he came home, here I was, here we were, a family.

Baby will have been born ten months ago this month. It is only now that I am really understanding that I cannot take on other projects. Period. I cannot. I feel an immense amount of guilt when I am not able to do it and that doesn’t help me at all. My main priority at this moment is being a mother to a baby that needs me. He is eight months developmentally this month and can stay sitting up on his own when I help him into that position. He is no where near crawling, he needs me all the time.

Two days ago I had an incredible scare when feeding Baby A while out with another mum and bub. I was giving him roasted veggie bites, and all of a sudden he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t cough, he was choking. I could see it in his eyes that he couldn’t fix it himself, I picked him up and patted him hard on his back again and again as he puked, as the pieces started to come out, but they weren’t all gone, I had to fish them out of his tiny little mouth, and I held him close to hear him breathe, it took what felt like forever, but he did. I was so shaken from this, I still am, I have tears in my eyes as I am sharing this.

My job as his primary caretaker, is to nurture and love him. It is to protect him and ensure that he is safe. It is to help guide him and help him develop into his own person. My role is all consuming. I wake up in the night with my heart dropping every time I hear his breath change. I feel him so strongly all the time. When he cries, it goes deep into my soul, and sometimes it makes me cry too.

I love my baby so very much. My husband and I consciously chose to have Baby A and we are so lucky to have him. We are so lucky to be parents. I am so lucky to be a mother, to be Baby A’s mother. I never imagined my life to be quite like this, but this is my role, one that requires me to be here one hundred percent of the time for my baby, for my precious little person. My role is to be the best mother, the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Everything else will sort itself out. My role as well is to be a wife to my husband and to ensure that our relationship is going well and feels balanced emotionally and physically as well.

This is a totally unique time in my life and it will never be this way again. It is up to me to deal with my own emotions and not project them onto anyone else, especially not our child. He is a pure expression of joy, of innocence, of total trust. I am so lucky to be in this position. I am so lucky to have such a happy and joyous baby. I am so lucky that I get to be the one to hold him. I am so lucky that I get to be the one who is there when he wakes up. I am so lucky that it is me whom he reaches for. I am a mother now. This is my role.

Struggle

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You never know what people are going through.

Some hide it with a smile

Some hide it with achieving great things

Some hide it by being the centre of attention, on stage

Most quietly go through their struggles, alone.

The older I get and the more I actually talk with people about what is really happening in their lives, I realise that we all have baggage of some sort. Some of it we acknowledge because it’s painstakingly clear, but some is so obscure and its like we unintentionally continue to act it out without awareness.

I have met so very many people in my life from all over the world due to living and working on popular destinations and from living abroad. I never really knew about the struggles that people were going through. I always kept it light and tried to just be present with what was going on at the time.

Now that I’ve gone through and am still going through my own struggles relating to the emotional pain I experienced leading up and birthing my son, I notice that more people open up to me about their own struggles. I had this happen as well after the head on collision, but not in the same way, now it is so raw, it is an emotional wound that I and other women that I have been speaking to, carry within themselves, not for show in the outside world, like a scar across the face.

Part of me thinks that the internal struggle that none can physically see is the harder to bear. At least when having a scar exposed, the topic is already on the table. However, for an internal scar, a wound that maybe hasn’t healed yet, it needs to be talked about in a loving space.

For most things in life I think that its best to just move on and focus on whats happening now and by doing so, life will automatically readjust to be the best for you. However, now having experienced this major internal trauma, I find it absolutely essential to talk about it, to feel all the emotions in order to process it as best as we can, and then allow time to lessen the burn.

I found myself bawling in a mother’s group that I am a part of yesterday as another woman shared her traumatic birthing experience, it felt all so real, and I know that we were so close to being like her, losing her baby at the final moment due to the same placental abruption that I had gone through with Baby A.

I felt the pain as it was so fresh, the wound was wide open. Some days I think I have been able to come to peace with it, and then other days I am completely amidst the throes of the memory. When Baby A came down with a cold around Mother’s Day all of those same painful emotions and fears came rushing back. I wasn’t expecting it, I wasn’t prepared for it, but all I could do was try to stay present, as present as possible.

My method of staying present when the feelings come rushing in when I am taking care of bubs and cannot have the time alone to really feel the feelings to let the go, I bring it back to right now, I remind myself that we are safe, we are alive, we are healthy, this is now, and I find some way to smile, to laugh.

I need to remember this, that everyone is struggling in some way the next time I get mad at someone on the road, or get frustrated with the way I see people behaving with their children. We all have something. We all have something to learn and grow from.

 

Creating Family

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I was just overcome with the amount of excitement and joy that I have about creating my own family. I never thought that this was in my future and now that it is, it brings tears to my eyes. I didn’t expect that I would start to feel this way, that I would really want to have my own family, my own children, my own husband, creating our world.

To essentially create my own tribe with the people I love the very most even if they aren’t born yet. I get to create our own little dip in the world, our own version of life. I get to share the love that I have, I get to experience their love, I get to expand into this amazing gift of life. It feels like the only real thing that matters right now, creating a loving space for my husband, myself, and our soon-to-be child, and possibly children.

This would not be happening had I not found and seized the moment with my husband. He is the most amazing person and it is with his love and support that I feel like this can happen, and that it is happening. I knew it really early on that he was the person I would spend my life with. I even slipped up and wrote that I knew he would be THE Great Love of my life, not A Great Love as I had intended when I started creating the card. It was so early on in our relationship, nearly three years ago when I wrote it and it’s completely turned out to be true.

This excitement of being able to create my own world with my husband feels so good. It’s hard to describe as I type, but I’m actually tearing up as I write this, it’s the kind of excitement that is so unknown, so deep, and so expansive. I feel blessed. I know I am going to make the most amazing mother. I know my husband is going to make the most amazing father. I know we will create the most amazing and loving family, and this makes me weep with joy.

I just never expected to feel this way. I was so utterly against having children and getting married when I was younger. I am so glad that I have experienced life in such way, that it has changed my perspective on this completely. I wouldn’t change a single thing of the past, no matter how tumultuous, no matter how disorienting it was at times, because it’s from this journey that I have come to this revelatory place. My life is only getting better and better and I am so thankful.

Why and How

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The best thing I have learned at University is huge and simple. It is to ask Why and How not just to tell what. This has transformed the way I think and the way I have been communicating. This allows me to convey what I believe, how I action it and why it’s important to me.

Here’s an incredible and inspiring video by Simon Sinek that confirms the importance of putting why at the heart of everything we do.

Changing the thought and communication process:

How Great Leaders Inspire Action

 

 

Red Rubies

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Drawn in by red-

a sudden need to have it in my life again

red hair

red bag

red ruby jewelry

power and connection to my source

utilizing the energy to revitalize and reenergize my soul

like a bull in the coliseum it fills me with fire

I feel the noble wisdom emanating from my heart

like a guardian angel helping me to change

holding my hand protecting me as I transform and shift frames

it lifts me up – encourages me

and reminds me to “Follow My Bliss”

the red, the rubies hekp me to see in the dark

showing a clearer path absent of resistance

i was an am a love being and I remmeber this truth.

I choose my life with eyes of love

and strength from the Divine to chart and venture onto my path

I am precious, rare and beautiful.

I love life and it loves me tremendously.

Spiritual wisdom, Knowledge, Health, Wealth, Bliss, Transition, Change, Choices

Trying on a New Dream

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Dreams of soup filled test tubes

slip on this new view

take a sip – see if its you

sample, experiment, try it on for size

there’s absolutely no obligation to buy

even if you do – rest assured sweet infinite soul

as in this great smorgasbord

everything has a shelf life

everything can be exchanged for less or more

Today in the sunlight you stand in a shared reality

the “collective conscious” so they say

I stand as a tall white woman

yet in my sleeping dreamtime I can be anything

last night a minature latino

anything is possible…

larger than life indeed –

new found confidence and self-esteem

waking dream…

sleeping dream…

slipping on a new view.

Kaleidoscope

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Looking through the kaleidoscope of life

from my heart through my eye

I see brilliant colors, the earth and the sky.

I’ve gazed at these shapes for years upon yars

but until recently when I’ve learned how to die

to let go of what I’ve always known

shifting my lenses into the great unknown

and seeing yet again through my kaleidoscope

brilliant colors, the earth, the sky and love

love painting and casting its light upon my world

tis the same instrument I’ve always looked through

only now I see the importance of the changing view

transforming my world and the way I see it

while remaining the same perceiver

as I’ve been… evolving, morphing, transforming

my body, my mind, my spirit and my soul

so torquing my kaleidoscope became natural.

Fern Spring

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broke-down

at the spring

the source

the fountain of youth….

but its dark

hard to see

whats around?

lanterns are needed…

ambassadors of light please hold space

he asks “is it safe”

I smilingly reply…

“oh yes, of course it is!”

“don’t be afraid…”

enjoy where you are,

you’ve made it this far!”

“Welcome!”

I am the Moon, dear

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I am just like the moon, dear.

I am just like the stars, dear.

I am just like El Capitan reflecting in the moonlight.

I am just like the valley, dear,

opening up and embracing the changes of atmosphere.

I am just like the moon dear.

When I’m full the stars seem dim dear.

They really stay quite static dear.

Yet I move around the world dear.

I reflect with the sun light –

the glorious male energy.

I wax and wax until I’m full,

I slowly rise dear.

I illuminate in the night dear.

Then I wane and wane until I’m gone

only to start again dear.

I’m even seen in the daytime dear.

My time to reign is in the winter dear.

It’s my season more than the other dear.

Where I get to help shine,

to shed light during the sun’s absence,

in those colder months, which, are inevitable,

where warmth is needed dear.

That’s when you’ll see me most dear.

Look to me for solace, dear.

Revel in the feminine, emotional feelings dear.

Snuggle up and keep warm with a love dear.

‘Tis the season when I reign for this to happen dear.

I am like the moon dear.

The “off season” where we recoup dear.

When it’s time to learn other things dear.

To develop feelings and thoughts dear.

To express and create output dear.

I am like the moon dear.

In the winter months I’ll be your saviour dear.

Always dear.

Always near.

Always here.