Writing

A Poem: And The She Woke

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one day she woke

she couldn’t breathe

she felt so sick

and was touched by the breeze.

 

The breeze turned to wind

as it swallowed her sin

she was standing still

while starting to spin.

 

The spin turned her ’round

shook her upside down – 

a little sideways

until she found…

 

She had been so lost

so off track

all she could think of

was heading back.

 

She’ll never be the same

it’s been a blessing in disguise

she had to fall down

before she could rise.

 

Now she’s found home

and flipped on the light

better than ever

and not having to fight.

 

She agreed with herself

to get up and go

from the valleys to the mountains

for reasons only she knows.

Good Genes

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People cannot help the way they look on the outside. Their physical features are beyond their control. To judge a person by the way they look, to be inclined to someone who is naturally more attractive and assuming they are a good person is like judging a person by their family… there is an influence, but there wasn’t a choice. We always have to work with the cards that we have been dealt. It is up to us what we do with such advantages to rise above and be a better person because of it.

Intellectuals, Obama and the WeatherUnderground

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Okay, just a little food for thought… we are who we are and we are never going to be anyone else and can never really know what it is like to be anyone else. I am sure you agree with this line of thought. I am a white American woman, aged 28, who grew up in the center of California in the countryside between two rural towns, went on to join a sorority at Fresno State University but left and dove into mid-level management at the age of 20, lived in national parks for 7 years and then dramatically changed my life and moved to Brazil after falling in love with someone on foreign exchange. My story is completely unique, as your story is completely unique. I have definitely come across a variety of people in my life, but I will never know what it is like to be a man, or to be black, or to be an Ivy League graduate or to be the first black president of the prestigous Harvard Law Review. I don’t know what it is like to grow up in Hawaii. I don’t know what it is like to have a very non-American name. I don’t know what it is like to lack a father figure while growing up with my grandparents.

With that said, I do know what it is like to finally start to see the world and the US for what it is. To finally have that breakthrough moment where you say… humn… things just aren’t right… it doesn’t make me unAmerican, and it doesn’t make me unpatriotic, in fact just the opposite because it drives me to ask questions and to research to find the answers about what we do and why we do it. I feel more American now than I ever did and am grateful for this every day.

I remember watching the WeatherUnderground documentary a few years ago… one of many documentaries I have seen in my adult life and to be quite honest… even though I don’t agree with what they were doing, I understood why they were doing it. There is a big difference. People go about things the way they see best, we always try to do what is right, we try to follow through with our convictions – that is why people join the Armed Forces or join the clergy or go to a University. Everyone has a different and totally unique way of looking at things and working towards their goal. I think above all else, trying to understand the reason of why people do what they do is of the utmost importance. That is where the real answer is, at the root, it always is.

To be able to see things for what they are. To be able to atain a birds eye view is to turn a blizzard into a breeze as they say. To be honest this is why Intellectuals are Intellectuals. Those Intellectuals usually go on to teach in the most prestigious Universities and write books and become successful in the Academic world, this is no coincidence. They have the ability to see beyond what most people see and have revelations and realizations about the things that have always been right in front of us.

Putting myself out there…

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I have just posted a blog on my myspace site about honestthoughts.com and I feel a little nervous about it. I have kept my little project a secret for the few weeks I have had it going, but for some reason felt compelled to share it today. It is interesting when you put yourself out there. Is it some kind of ingrained worry about what other people will think of me after reading what I think and what I think about? Maybe. Is there a way to get over this? Sure… by putting myself out there… right?

For years I have remained so neutral on a vast number of topics, partially because I really didn’t have a stance but now there are only a handful of items that I am really truly neutral on… partially because I knew that if I did declare a side that I would and could be put into a corner and I really don’t like corners. I let the fear of it and the “bliss” within the ignorance is bliss comfort me… not any more. I cannot always ride the middle… I cannot always be PC or always put on a smile when I don’t feel it… I cannot anymore… and I don’t, or at least I am aware of it now and can choose to be if I want…

This is becoming more of a rant than anything and I feel it… maybe it is the same idea that when some people are nervous they just keep talking and talking… maybe that is what I am doing… more is less or less is more? how does that go? or more is really more? and less is really less? cirlces.

Surfwise Documentary Comments

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My Goodness! I finally saw Surfwise, a documentary about the Paskowitz family! A basic rundown is that an esteemed doctor decided to do things his own way. He found a woman who would live the kind of life that he wanted and set out on a 25 year adventure of traveling around, having children and living a life in an alternative way. It really is an interesting story.

I understand the idea of removing yourself from regular society to avoid its nasty influences, as it seems to be a theme amongst the counter culture for quite some time. I understand the idea that we should go back to being a bit more primative than we are now, especially with what we consume in our bodies, not to mention the wanton consuption of capitalism. I understand the idea of procreating so that you send more seeds out into the world that are a bit more like you and a bit less like others, hopefully in turn spurring some change along the course of life.

The vagabond lifestyle full of freedom and liberty is very attractive on so many levels. Definitely as an individual, even as a couple I can imagine. However throwing a kid into the mix really does turn it a little sideways, let alone adding in 9 kids… there is definitely a reason that they had all boys up until number 8. One of the kids said that they were either going to be a rockstar or homeless which is really rather interesting because as I percieve it is only a fine line between the two, or at least there used to be before music became so commercial… and funny thing I actually saw the Black Flys play when I was in my teenage years.

Their lifestyle definitely set them apart from everyone else. Not having the opportunity of a formal education in our society would have a dramatic effect on anyone and it seemed to be commonly expressed through their interviews… except the one guy who was very jim morrison-ish who said he was going to keep the dream alive. That is fantastic but what about that oldest guy, he was fucking crazy. seriously, when he was singing that song that he wrote for his dad and in a matter of minutes he had worked himself up into quite a sweat and tears even, my god. there is a lot of angst and frustration still lingering. Also, that same guy, “the captain” is the one who injected business into the Paskowitz family’s life even though he said that he was in line with his fathers ideas… it just goes to show that everyone, no matter where they are will always percieve one thing a little different than the other.

Going off the grid has definite appeal, but I think if there is one thing that became so apparent to me is that if you do, you will end up falling so far behind what else is going on in the world. Which may be alright, if you decided to never return, but things will continue to evolve no matter what… It is about the consciousness that we must have in our daily lives that will propel us into that next level. Any extreme either way is extreme and in some fashion does cut you off or away from the rest.

It then also made sense to me why we have gone this route of processed easy accessible food, and lines of credit so that everyone in the pack can keep up (unfortunately lead by corporations with dollar signs in their eyes). Why make things harder than they have to be when there is another way of doing things? Sure you can regress because you find that it is more rewarding or beneficial to do so, but I think the key idea that I got was that we just need to have a sense of freedom and general moderation to enjoy what is out there in our daily lives. Those kids are products of something that they didn’t choose, like all children are… someone mentioned recently how childhood is an affliction that everyone suffers from… and they just had it a little different and how many adults can look towards that and fantasize how wonderful it would be to leave it all behind, live in volunatry poverty for the sake of freedom and just be. Children aren’t quite that way and we are really only this way as adults because our lives weren’t really like that growing up… is it a case of the grass is always greener?

Sex every night. That is definitely a luxury that should not be overlooked. I did like his idea of having sex with 100 women and finding his mate that way. That when he learned to “eat pussy” his life changed!!! WOO HOO! That the most important aspects were to be a good husband, a good father and of course a great lover (I wrote this down last night!). About keeping the passion alive… and being sexual. I was particularly fascinated with his idea that it is due to lack of sexual expression that we then become more pornographic in our society… that was an interesting viewpoint… and I might just have to agree… However, on tv kids programs here it is more common than not to see a bikini wearing hot brazilian babe dancing for no apparent reason… I haven’t really been exposed to porn here, but I can definitely say that there are A LOT of transvestites and one of the largest gay parades in the world held here in São Paulo every year… there might be some correlation to that as well…

The Blank Page Apprehension

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A feeling of apprehension usually fills me before I start to fill a new journal. The blank page staring at me begging me to begin. Daring me to do something bold, something different, something extraordinary. The feeling that I must make that first page something extra special used to create this enormous feeling of anxiety. It has to start somewhere, but how to start? How to start that will make this one a bit different than the last? How to outdo myself from the last time?

There have definitely been times, especially when I would have a beautiful new journal with specially designed pages, where I would be sooo anxious of what to write, that I would delay writing in it! I would hold the thoughts in my head and sometimes I would even lose them. Then in a mad rush I would scribe like a hungry man would eat his first meal in days. Word after word, page after page, with my hand starting to cramp, yet, I still continued on.

Nowadays, on a meager budget in order to buy such luxury items, I now use your basic run of the mill spril notebook with lined pages. I have learned that you really can never judge a book by its cover and I must say there is so much less pressure in an ordinary journal than a designer one. In the end it is all me anyway. So I am starting this new blog as I would any of my recent journals… by just writing out what is in my head and seeing where it takes me. No premeditation, no apprehension and no worries.

Of course this applies to any new project… whether that be a blank piece of art paper in front of me, a blank word document before I start to write a story or even when I am just starting out decorating a room… the thing I have learned though is that you have to just go for it. If you stall, if you procrastinate, the magic in that moment is lost. It will never be the same, maybe the next time around it is better, but maybe not… I never know.

So for now, I am letting it all out. The beauty of a blog post is that I can add to it later, I can take unnecessary words away and I can even delete it if necessary. This blog is not going to be really limited, although in my head I have this thought that I should keep it to just a few simple subject, but I am going to just throw that out the window for now and write on.