Month: June 2014

There’s a Baby In There

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Last night as I lay in bed, I could actually feel the baby growing inside of me. I was on my back and it was clear that in one portion of my abdomen that there was something there, a semi-hard lump and it made me speechless.

I’ve been wanting to feel the baby move or something to let me know that it’s in there and for some reason I wasn’t expecting to be able to feel it with my hand before feeling it from inside, it took me by surprise. I’m just past 16 weeks now and in the past week I have grown a lot! It feels great and I’m so excited about this process!

Naturally I shared this experience with my husband and he felt it too. I’d like to think he was also as excited but he isn’t as free with words and emotions as I am at times. Although, funnily, this morning my sweater was so stretched that it was obvious that I am pregnant and I told him, look, this is all real! He laughed and was like, oh and the ultrasounds and the morning sickness didn’t make you realise? Funny enough, the visual image is what makes it feel very very real. Oh how I LOVE my body too! 🙂

Ratha Yatra Hinduism Festival

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My contact experience with Hinduism seems to be growing now in Western Sydney. Today we just happened to look up what was going on in the area and there just happened to be a Ratha Yatra festival happening nearby.

As soon as we parked and started walking towards the park where it was held, a parade processing was just starting! All the colours, the smiles, the dancing, happiness, symbols, drums, bagpipes, and chariots were enlivening! It was incredible! We were invited to dance along and be a part of the parade, which we did and danced in the streets for blocks and blocks! We helped pull the chariot along as part of the festival activities and I was overwhelmed with joy! It was all happiness, all good will, people holding hands, holding our hands, sharing in the event so freely!

Afterward there was a huge vegetarian feast completely free of charge and it was incredible! The thousand people or so all enjoyed the delicious homemade food while sitting in the park on this lovely sunny winters afternoon. It felt so good to be there and everyone genuinely looked like they were having a great time, the kiddos that were young, the teenagers, the adults, the young families, the elderly, it was incredible!

From the openness, the lack of judgement, the happiness, and good vibrations I’ve experienced at these Hinduism events, it certainly makes me feel very grateful that I no longer go to church and quietly sit in the pew hearing stories poured out like I did as a child and youth. Life is truly a celebration and I LOVED this experience today!

Energy Vampires

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There’s this feeling that comes along when you are talking with someone and they could care less if you are really listening, have anything to say, or what you think. It’s when someone already has what they will be saying next in their mind while you are talking instead of creating a flow of conversation. These people drain my energy in a big way.

I don’t always notice it straight away, but then when I do, I’m usually good about setting up my own boundaries and standing my ground to avoid them and to avoid the situations where I feel drained, depleted, or just frustrated afterward. Granted I do have A LOT of energy. I am lucky like that, but the reason that I do is because I have boundaries and I have ways of expressing myself, and know how to increase my energy levels on my own.

So for all the energy vampires out there… my boundaries are like garlic and a steel bullet… Steer clear from me.

Calling Someone Out

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I recently was in a situation where someone was painting a picture of themselves being the victim of the story they were telling. However, as the story went on, it became incredibly clear that the storyteller was more ego-hurt and being arrogant rather than a true victim of someone else’s deeds. I tried being subtle at first as I realised this and gave options of how to succeed in that situation moving forward. This didn’t go anywhere. Then eventually I said he was being a dick and that is why he was in that situation. Perhaps I could have had more tact, but I couldn’t figure out how to convey it in any other way that would have the cut-through needed for this person to actually hear it.

This leads me to question whether or not people really want to be called out or if they really are just looking for sympathy. I know myself some times I really just need some place to express myself, which is where HonestThoughts.com was born. I also write in my journal, I draw, I paint, I groom, I move my body, I meditate, there are many ways that I deal with my stuff.

However, I think I’ve come to realise that this person whom I do come into contact with regularly as we share a living space sometimes, could likely care less about any input I have. I am now looking at it like I am just being used for my energy so that this person feels significant or feels like they have some kind of power because other people listen to them. I have also learned recently that this person tells lies and bullshits on the regular, but I hadn’t understood this until the last few days. Do people to habitually lie realise they are doing it? Are they missing that emotional aspect where it is bad to lead people on like that?

Obviously I’m still sorting this out. It did feel really great to call him out on his shit. Perhaps I may do this more moving forward rather than just observing, witnessing and then keeping those people at a far enough distance away that they aren’t in my realm once I realise.

The Hero’s Journey

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Joseph Campbell has inspired me and the changes I’ve made in my life. So much so that back in 2007 or so when I first heard the idea of “Follow Your Bliss” that I held onto it as tight as I possibly could and made motions in every moment to do so, which in turn totally transformed my world. I was living in Brazil at that stage and so far from where I really needed to be and it was obvious. By choosing what felt the best at any given time, I slowly but surely created lasting change in my life. Thank Goodness!

Fast forward to 2010 and I was in a major car accident. I had just moved to Australia and was stopped in my tracks, a divine intervention really. Having nothing but time and space to heal, heal is what I did. I took the time to finally really dive into my own subconscious, learn about who I was, what I was doing, where I was going. I trained myself how to lucid dream, I kept a regular dream journal and analysed my dreams. I drew, painted, wrote, and expressed myself however I could within the healing space I was in. You see I wasn’t overly mobile at that time, so I had to work with what I had! I was living in a bus on an organic banana farm in the lovely village of Whian Whian in the Northern Rivers of New South Wales. The time there was right out of a storybook. Including a horse named Spirit whom I’d try to be friend while going to the nature loo, the outdoor compostable toilet which had a stunning view of The Channon area with it’s rolling hills and lushness.

Realising that I was far away from my doctors and community, I moved into the town of Lismore, after a  few months of living in Lennox Head with it’s healing Tea Tree water infused Lake Ainsworth. Lismore was fantastic. It is a creative hotbed and every walk of life can be seen there. Here I lived in a vegetarian meditation house on top of Girard’s Hill overlooking the whole town. There were koalas in the nearby lookout and it was what I needed in my next stage of healing.

In Lismore, I really dove into the Hero’s Journey. I had written it in the story arc with each stage and pasted it upon my wall. I studied it regularly. I would watch a film and dissect it based on the story steps. I noted that there always had to be a struggle that felt like against all odds it wouldn’t happen, and then a guide in some guise would appear, the struggle would have a climax and the Hero would triumphantly overcome the initial issue before returning better than ever to their regular life. I love how the story unfolded that way and I have always been keen to support the underdog.

I’m at a stage now where I am not sure if I embody the Hero’s Journey naturally and that is why I had to study it, or if I have studied it so much that my life now mirrors that. I understand the power of the thought and how it can influence and inform life in every aspect. I may naturally be the Hero, full on. With the amount of adversity and resiliency of overcoming the obstacles in my life, I sure feel like I am the Hero. Perhaps I just understand the process better and can identify it. Either way there is no coincidence that it came into my life in such a major way and that it still stays with me so strongly.

However, at this point, I’m ready to just have the easier way now. I’m ready for the smooth and easy sailing part which doesn’t have bam, bam, bam excitement left and right. Not that I’m asking for some dull ride through life, not at all. It’s just that I’m about to bring a child into this world, into my existence, and I want to just enjoy it rather than feel like I’m always overcoming some battle. This year alone has been a constant battle with major positive highlights too, like getting married; going on our lovely honeymoon at the Great Barrier Reef; conceiving a child. It’s certainly been clear that I’ve had a lot of challenges too, like setting and enforcing boundaries with joint venture partners; dealing with immigration issues between two different countries and still not having resolution; feeling every bit of joy, happiness, pain, and discomfort that comes with being pregnant in my mid-thirties, all the while creating a unique business that will solely be online to help women.

I love and admire the Hero’s Journey and I will always have my own personal stories to reflect upon. I am just ready for that feeling of “Ease” to take over, at least for a while.

Creative Fodder

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I recently heard something along the lines that a person has enough creative fodder accumulated by the time they reach 20 years old to last a lifetime. If this is true, then I have enough for multiple lifetimes.

If writing is all about sharing what you feel and how you are experiencing life and being human, how could it possibly stop at age 20? By the age of 20 I feel like I had already had at least four distinctly different lives. By now at age 34, countless more “lives” I have lived.

This makes me feel compelled to continue to put things on paper, and share what I think and what happens in my life. Maybe sharing more of the what actually happens, rather than my emotional interpretation of it could be helpful. Who knows. Sometimes, I read back on my poetry and am honestly not sure who the other person really was. Sometimes I wonder if that really matters in the grand scheme of things.

 

The Spiritual Mom

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At 13 weeks,

I became completely and utterly filled with joy

with excitement,

that I –

I Will Be A Mom.

Words cannot explain how truly excited I am about this stage of life.

For all the searching for what was spiritual,

for all the experiences I’ve had that have been totally connected,

where i have been enveloped in the beautiful flow of life,

for all of the love and unity that I’ve known before now…

It’s been so real, it’s been so surreal.

It’s been my personal journey.

Now, with my baby growing inside of me, conceived out of true love,

I feel a sense of connection and oneness and spirituality in a deeper, more expansive way than ever before.

Without a doubt this baby, this stage of life of being a mother, and being a wife, will forever change who I am, and I openly embrace it. I know that I will experience growth in ways that I cannot even imagine at this moment and I feel so ready.

I’ve never felt so ready for anything in my life.

It’s because of all the work I’ve done on myself. It’s because I finally fell in love with who I really am. It’s because I found my own strength. All of these revelations led me to meet my soul mate, my amazing and supportive husband. I could not, I would not, do this on my own. Two whole people coming together feels so secure, feels so delicious. I would only do this with him and together our love can create anything, I’ve known this and I’ve seen this, but now I actually get to grow this inside of me.

I love that this is so very the right time. I love that I am ready. I love that life changes and I’ve found such an amazing love. I love that now we get to experience it at it’s next level. So very blessed.

 

 

A True Love Baby

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We conceived on our wedding day.

A day that was a true celebration of love.

We conceived with absolute love and connection.

Our expansive love, the love between my husband and I,

took the largest next step that day, that special day.

Our deepness, our connection, or growth together, our commitment to one another, to our present, to our future, with full intention and openness created as perfect of a day, a series of amazing moments that stretched out and we will now forever more, have not only the memory of that day between us, but a child conceived on that auspicious and ominous day.

It was the equinox. Where day and night were in balance.

It was my birthday. My own rebirth and I could feel it.

It was the first day of the astrological new year and the force of moving forward and going into the “new” was so strong.

Together we were able to create the most amazing gift that we will ever know.

This baby is absolutely a true LOVE baby. Absolutely.

Such a blessing.