Month: May 2015

Dad and Health

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An emergency message

never good to get

call me, we need to talk

it’s not good

he fell a week ago

hasn’t gone to hospital

until now.

Scans, MRI, Biopsy

It’s been years since he’s been in.

Truth is he’s sick

he’s been sick for a while

He’s ignored it.

We have too.

It’s easier to ignore it than confront it sometimes.

This time it’s gone much further.

I’ve been trying to call him, to talk to him for months and months.

He’s been out of reach

no phone

out of reach.

Now it’s an emergency

masses in his body

around his lungs

around his heart

in his lymph nodes

in his brain

oh fuck.

he has to be in pain

and this is what pains me the most

i also feel bad that we haven’t kept in contact

he isn’t much of a letter writer

and doesn’t really do the whole internet thing

and doesn’t seem to have a phone

so the only way I know would be to actually show up

on his doorstep

hoping that is still where he is.

Even if we haven’t talked since we told him that we were expecting a baby

about a year ago now

I still wouldn’t ever want anyone to be in pain

especially not those that I love

especially not my family and close friends.

My sister said he was all choked up when she came back into his hospital room after we hung up

I could hear the strain in his voice, he couldn’t even say I love you back

and it was killing him and I could hear it and I couldn’t do anything

I was bawling and I didn’t want him to know that either

this pains me too.

My father has always been a very strong man, stubbornly strong

and even now he is still that way.

There is a part of me that feels like I need to come to grips with the fact that my father will likely die, soon. The other part of me is asking should I still hold onto threads of hope that he will somehow make it through this? With hope that the doctors will be able to reduce and remove the masses in his brain without majorly affecting him, that he will then be able to continue living his life. That he would then go through Chemo or Radiation or both to eradicate the rest of the masses so he will then be able to continue living his life. This isn’t about me, but I feel like I need something to hold onto because all of it hurts, all of it.

I live on the other side of the world, a 17 hour flight minimum. Baby’s passport will take at least 15 working days from yesterday. Time is short. Every day, every minute counts. It’s so easy to take life and all of the chances. I’ve been living my life, married now and haven’t been back to visit my family once in five years. I did strangely say that I would either be back in one year or five years when I left the states, I just wasn’t expecting nor wanting this to be the reason why.

He is just 60 years old. He isn’t even at retirement age yet. Not that he has a typical job, he hasn’t since I was just a wee little one. Most others of his generation bought into the work all your life so you can take it easy when you retire at 65 and live your golden years relaxing. However, that is the time when the body slows down, the health issues start creeping in. My dad at least was determined to make his own rules and live life how he wanted to, on his own terms, not saving anything until retirement age, burning like a holy roman candle, a mad one he is.

 

 

Fallen In Love

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It’s taken me a while. Baby A is now 7 months old in actual age and I have just full fallen in love with him It feels great. I love to see his sweet smile and the way he looks at me. I love to watch and learn with him. I love to give him hugs and hold him close. I love to have fun and play with him. It feels very good.

I’ve loved him for some time, in varying degrees. It is nice to finally allow myself to fall in love too. I know he’s going to live, I know we are both healthy, and I know my husband is in love with us both too. It is important to me that my husband is in love with Baby A too. I really want us to be a family of love, of full love, not just between mother and son or father and son or even mother and father, but all of us in love together, as a unit, as an alliance.

The feeling of being in love is so magical. It makes me feel very good, it makes me happy. It makes everything in life so much more viivd and brighter. It makes life more joyous, and any perceived challenges as laughable and something that is kinda funny. The power of love is incredible.

I feel a sense of relief as well. It has been a rough patch for all of us and I’m glad that we are finally moving on with our hearts, minds and bodies.

Here’s to love!

I’ve Come So Far

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After reflecting upon some of the choices I’ve made romantically in the past, I came to the conclusion that I don’t have any regrets, but if given the chance to do it again, I would go about it differently. When I was young, I was so very naive, which is a major part of youth. I was reckless at times not realising how my actions affected others. I was definitely foolheartly and definitely went by how I felt, let my primal urges dictate what I was doing. I also drank quite a lot and it was in these times that my more questionable decisions occurred.

I was hashing this over and sharing it with a girlfriend yesterday and I realised that I have come so very far from where I was to who I am now. I am thankful that I have gone through the tumultuous times that I have from my previous life, but I am even more thankful that I have come through to the other side of it.

Personally I have evolved so much. I have reinvented myself so many times as well. I have given myself the opportunity again and again to grow and change… and I continue to do so.

Mum and Bub Group

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I am so amazingly grateful for the Mother’s Group that I’ve dubbed the “Lovely Ladies with New Babies” that I have here in Western Sydney. We meet every week and we just hang out, commiserate, share, and just are there. If all relationships are just a matter of being there for someone when they need then I truly do have ea relationship with these women. We laugh and cry together, we are vulnerable and able to really support one another. Having a new bub can be isolating, it’s hard work and it’s non-stop.

Today we all went out for a movie together and we rolled in like 10 prams deep and it was great! I felt more energy while out today than I have in a very very long time and it felt wonderful. I love having friends. I love that they are all in the same boat right now with bubs who also cry, poop, decide not to sleep, who grow out of clothes quickly, who know what it’s like to be in this situation right now. It’s truly a blessing.

Struggle

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You never know what people are going through.

Some hide it with a smile

Some hide it with achieving great things

Some hide it by being the centre of attention, on stage

Most quietly go through their struggles, alone.

The older I get and the more I actually talk with people about what is really happening in their lives, I realise that we all have baggage of some sort. Some of it we acknowledge because it’s painstakingly clear, but some is so obscure and its like we unintentionally continue to act it out without awareness.

I have met so very many people in my life from all over the world due to living and working on popular destinations and from living abroad. I never really knew about the struggles that people were going through. I always kept it light and tried to just be present with what was going on at the time.

Now that I’ve gone through and am still going through my own struggles relating to the emotional pain I experienced leading up and birthing my son, I notice that more people open up to me about their own struggles. I had this happen as well after the head on collision, but not in the same way, now it is so raw, it is an emotional wound that I and other women that I have been speaking to, carry within themselves, not for show in the outside world, like a scar across the face.

Part of me thinks that the internal struggle that none can physically see is the harder to bear. At least when having a scar exposed, the topic is already on the table. However, for an internal scar, a wound that maybe hasn’t healed yet, it needs to be talked about in a loving space.

For most things in life I think that its best to just move on and focus on whats happening now and by doing so, life will automatically readjust to be the best for you. However, now having experienced this major internal trauma, I find it absolutely essential to talk about it, to feel all the emotions in order to process it as best as we can, and then allow time to lessen the burn.

I found myself bawling in a mother’s group that I am a part of yesterday as another woman shared her traumatic birthing experience, it felt all so real, and I know that we were so close to being like her, losing her baby at the final moment due to the same placental abruption that I had gone through with Baby A.

I felt the pain as it was so fresh, the wound was wide open. Some days I think I have been able to come to peace with it, and then other days I am completely amidst the throes of the memory. When Baby A came down with a cold around Mother’s Day all of those same painful emotions and fears came rushing back. I wasn’t expecting it, I wasn’t prepared for it, but all I could do was try to stay present, as present as possible.

My method of staying present when the feelings come rushing in when I am taking care of bubs and cannot have the time alone to really feel the feelings to let the go, I bring it back to right now, I remind myself that we are safe, we are alive, we are healthy, this is now, and I find some way to smile, to laugh.

I need to remember this, that everyone is struggling in some way the next time I get mad at someone on the road, or get frustrated with the way I see people behaving with their children. We all have something. We all have something to learn and grow from.

 

Dean Potter

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Today I learned of a Yosemite icon passing away

dying

doing what he loved doing

climbing the granite walls he spent so many years getting to know.

I met him really only once or twice

The most recent time was a few years ago

at a Climbing week in the park

He was humble, he got so much flack for getting sponsored for making money to do what he loved.

He was so drunk, didn’t really know how to handle being out and about

or maybe it was just all too much, who knows, I don’t. Drunk in Yosemite is commonplace, it is.

He was a hero though.

He broke records, he did the impossible, he was a true trailblazer in all senses.

He would free climb without any ropes up the massive walls of the valley

He would base jump in a flying squirrel like suit soaring down back to earth

An adventurer, someone who always pushed it

It’s no surprise that someone who always goes hard burns out in one way or another

dying while doing some extreme sport isn’t something new

However, I feel the loss of Dean Potter.

The image of the helicopter with body bags tied to the end of the rope

flying past Half Dome is with me.

May he rest in peace and may others still be inspired by his courageousness.

Baby: Tongue Tasting

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When I lean in and play with Baby A, getting my head in close to his chest, he then pulls me in with both hands, sticks his tongue out and tastes my forehead. It’s funny that this is his way of exploring things around him.

He love to look out over my shoulder, or at least have his eyes over my shoulders. When he is up there and I have a bare shoulder, he tastes the entire length sometimes. Its so funny how he becomes entranced with it too, just going back and forth like a typerwriter.

 

Finding His Feet

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Baby A is 4.5 months corrected, 6.5 physical age; 21 weeks corrected or 29 weeks physical.

The paediatrician said that I should only go by his corrected due date because it doesn’t matter if he was in the humidicrib or in the womb, he was still developing and wasn’t ready to be out yet! He also said that 2 months is a big time frame when you have only been alive for six months. Same goes for one year, and even two years, then it starts to even out a bit.

So now at 21 weeks he touches his toes and grabs his feet! He had casually done it before, but now he does it with such a sense of discovery and joy. His favourite time to really play with them is when he is on the change table, diaper free! He puts his cute plump short legs into the air and reaches his hands up and pulls on his feet and toes! The cutest thing ever! He lights up with his eyes taking it all in, and a huge smile paints his face with joy.

I love getting to watch his grow and discover!

First Mother’s Day

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Today was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. Poor Baby A was sick, sneezy, coughy, snotty with a hoarse voice and not feeling well. My husband was at work for a long 12 hour shift. Motherhood is not a glamourous affair. It is challenging, it takes all that I have.

My intention is not to come across as being ungrateful for the gift that I have, I know I am lucky to have a baby, to have a husband, to have a family. I just think that all too often, people gloss over the hardships that also go with having a baby. The sleepless nights, the sleep deprivation that becomes the new normal, the constant laundry due to slobber, vomit, pee, poo, for both bub and us. The necessity of always looking after someone else and having them be completely dependent upon you. The comforting of a bub when all you really want to do is crawl into bed and sleep yourself, but you cannot, you will not because someone else is counting on you. There are so many sacrifices that happen and I think we just jump to “well at least you have a healthy baby” comment or the half hearted threat that if you don’t enjoy this time now then you’ve missed out on the supposed glory days that you create by having a child, a baby.

There are so many really sweet quiet times. There are moments when I just hold baby and marvel at how perfect he is. There are times when his smile just melts my heart. There are times when we are looking into the mirror and I see him see himself and see him smile at himself because he’s now discovering who he is apart from me. The new discoveries he makes regularly keep it so interesting and precious. All of it is so precious.

So even though my husband was away and my baby was sick and I was at home all day with him, it was still a good Mother’s Day because I am a mother and this is how life is now. <3

Holding My Little Person

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I’ve just put my little person, our baby, Baby A to bed. He’s nearly 5 months corrected age and he’s been alive for nearly 7 months now. Alive… that’s actually not true, he’s been alive for a lot longer, he was alive within me before his first gasp of air nearly 7 months ago.

I rocked him to sleep and as I held him close I could feel my heart in the centre of my chest beating, expanding, deepening. My love for him has blossomed and continues to grow as the days pass. I held him in my arms and I just listened to him breathing, his sweet little breaths in and out. I felt his body with complete trust being held in my arms. I gazed upon his sweet innocent face looking so peaceful. I felt so much love. I still feel so much love.

Still I feel so tender from the NICU experience, about having him so early, about all of the complications in my pregnancy and with his birth. I am hoping that time will help heal this wounded heart of mine.

I am grateful that we made it out alive. I am grateful that we are healthy. I am grateful that we are a family. I am grateful that I continue to know love in ways that I never knew before.