awareness

There’s Something Inside of Me

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It is the weirdest and simultaneously awesome experience to feel a little human being formed inside of my own body. I’m now at 19 weeks and the movement inside from this baby is constant! Especially when I am sitting down, I feel it tip tapping, stretching, moving, rolling, I’m not sure really what’s going on in there, but A LOT is obviously occurring. If this is any indication of what life will be like for this baby, my guess is that it will have heaps of energy! Naturally I have a lot of energy myself which has definitely declined in an outward way since being pregnant, so I must assume that the baby is getting all of it! It is good that I have an abundance and can freely share!

A few days ago I felt, what seemed like constant movement, for the first full day. Honestly, I was trying to get some stuff done and I found it distracting! Then I felt bad for finding it distracting, but now I just laugh about it. Maybe I’m getting used to it? Maybe now I feel it but realise it’s not something to be worried about and I can carry on with what I’m doing.

I do take time to spend with my belly and this baby inside. I also take time to spend with my husband and have him touch and even talk to the baby through my belly. I’d be stretching it if I didn’t say it was slightly awkward, but I think it’s good. It feels like a nice bonding for this process of rapid growth for all of us. I know soon enough my husband will be able to feel the movements in my belly too and I look forward to sharing it with him as best I can.

It is a constant reminder that I am taking part in the divine process of creation. I have a sign that I made earlier this year that reads “Create Daily” and suffice to say, I think that by the nature of what is happening whilst gestating, that I am fulfilling this goal.

Revolution, Evolution, Lessons

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I have a pattern of naively jumping into situations, hoping for the best, and just going for it. This has worked out really really well at many stages of my life. At other times it has gone drastically the other way. Nonetheless I learn an incredible amount of lessons about life, myself, other people, processes, and mostly, grow through the experiences which have helped me to evolve to the person I am now.

Jumping in is kinda like a revolution versus an evolution, but enough revolutions can also create an evolution, at least from my life stories, I find this to be a truth. Lots of sudden changes that create a lasting effect. This totally makes sense to me.

For instance, my latest Revolution has been becoming pregnant. Although my husband and I consciously went into this, as in we had conversations, said we wanted to create another life together, and we made divine love. This sounds like evolution, but the condensed time frame of me removing my contraceptive device and us expecting a child was so quick! I once heard that nothing in nature moves slow, and maybe this is the natural evolution of human life, my life, our life.

Now that I am pregnant and we are expecting our first child later this year, I feel like I am learning SO much about gestating and being healthy along the way in body, mind, and spirit. By the way this has been very important to me anyway, but now that there is literally someone who is completely and 100% affected by my actions, I am super aware of what I am doing and am making more responsible decisions as a whole.

I’m learning about different parenting methods and which ones jive the best. Prior to starting on this path we talked about having an Au Pair immediately to help with everything. Although that certainly isn’t ruled out, the more I learn about the importance of baby bonding the more the weight and responsibility of being a mother to a child comes in.

What I do and how I raise this child will have an impact upon myself, my husband, the child, our family and friends, the community, the world at large as the ripple effect of life happens. This thought, this HUGE thought is leading to a personal revolution within my mind, within my body, that I certainly did not see coming. Not only is it a constant thought on my mind, it is becoming more and more of a focus about how our lives will be.

With creating my own family, I literally have the ability to change the world by bringing and raising a whole human being. This feels like an incredible gift and opportunity for my own growth, the growth of my husband, the growth of our relationship, the growth of our child obviously as well. I’ve worked so hard to develop myself to be at this stage, and I feel so equipped to do my best to help create an environment where the child feels whole, safe, loved, cared for. I do this for myself, I do this for my husband, it’s what we have created, it’s what we consciously create.

It’s been by the crazy revolutions in my life that have lead to this stage of gestation with conscious love and all of a sudden I feel like I should be charging forth on a white stallion waving a flag of love, of honour, of connection. My promise, my duty as a parent bringing a child into this world, is that I will do my utmost to ensure that I am able to be there and provide for this dependent being so that it can then evolve and create it’s own revolutions.

 

There’s a Baby In There

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Last night as I lay in bed, I could actually feel the baby growing inside of me. I was on my back and it was clear that in one portion of my abdomen that there was something there, a semi-hard lump and it made me speechless.

I’ve been wanting to feel the baby move or something to let me know that it’s in there and for some reason I wasn’t expecting to be able to feel it with my hand before feeling it from inside, it took me by surprise. I’m just past 16 weeks now and in the past week I have grown a lot! It feels great and I’m so excited about this process!

Naturally I shared this experience with my husband and he felt it too. I’d like to think he was also as excited but he isn’t as free with words and emotions as I am at times. Although, funnily, this morning my sweater was so stretched that it was obvious that I am pregnant and I told him, look, this is all real! He laughed and was like, oh and the ultrasounds and the morning sickness didn’t make you realise? Funny enough, the visual image is what makes it feel very very real. Oh how I LOVE my body too! 🙂

Ratha Yatra Hinduism Festival

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My contact experience with Hinduism seems to be growing now in Western Sydney. Today we just happened to look up what was going on in the area and there just happened to be a Ratha Yatra festival happening nearby.

As soon as we parked and started walking towards the park where it was held, a parade processing was just starting! All the colours, the smiles, the dancing, happiness, symbols, drums, bagpipes, and chariots were enlivening! It was incredible! We were invited to dance along and be a part of the parade, which we did and danced in the streets for blocks and blocks! We helped pull the chariot along as part of the festival activities and I was overwhelmed with joy! It was all happiness, all good will, people holding hands, holding our hands, sharing in the event so freely!

Afterward there was a huge vegetarian feast completely free of charge and it was incredible! The thousand people or so all enjoyed the delicious homemade food while sitting in the park on this lovely sunny winters afternoon. It felt so good to be there and everyone genuinely looked like they were having a great time, the kiddos that were young, the teenagers, the adults, the young families, the elderly, it was incredible!

From the openness, the lack of judgement, the happiness, and good vibrations I’ve experienced at these Hinduism events, it certainly makes me feel very grateful that I no longer go to church and quietly sit in the pew hearing stories poured out like I did as a child and youth. Life is truly a celebration and I LOVED this experience today!

Energy Vampires

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There’s this feeling that comes along when you are talking with someone and they could care less if you are really listening, have anything to say, or what you think. It’s when someone already has what they will be saying next in their mind while you are talking instead of creating a flow of conversation. These people drain my energy in a big way.

I don’t always notice it straight away, but then when I do, I’m usually good about setting up my own boundaries and standing my ground to avoid them and to avoid the situations where I feel drained, depleted, or just frustrated afterward. Granted I do have A LOT of energy. I am lucky like that, but the reason that I do is because I have boundaries and I have ways of expressing myself, and know how to increase my energy levels on my own.

So for all the energy vampires out there… my boundaries are like garlic and a steel bullet… Steer clear from me.

Calling Someone Out

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I recently was in a situation where someone was painting a picture of themselves being the victim of the story they were telling. However, as the story went on, it became incredibly clear that the storyteller was more ego-hurt and being arrogant rather than a true victim of someone else’s deeds. I tried being subtle at first as I realised this and gave options of how to succeed in that situation moving forward. This didn’t go anywhere. Then eventually I said he was being a dick and that is why he was in that situation. Perhaps I could have had more tact, but I couldn’t figure out how to convey it in any other way that would have the cut-through needed for this person to actually hear it.

This leads me to question whether or not people really want to be called out or if they really are just looking for sympathy. I know myself some times I really just need some place to express myself, which is where HonestThoughts.com was born. I also write in my journal, I draw, I paint, I groom, I move my body, I meditate, there are many ways that I deal with my stuff.

However, I think I’ve come to realise that this person whom I do come into contact with regularly as we share a living space sometimes, could likely care less about any input I have. I am now looking at it like I am just being used for my energy so that this person feels significant or feels like they have some kind of power because other people listen to them. I have also learned recently that this person tells lies and bullshits on the regular, but I hadn’t understood this until the last few days. Do people to habitually lie realise they are doing it? Are they missing that emotional aspect where it is bad to lead people on like that?

Obviously I’m still sorting this out. It did feel really great to call him out on his shit. Perhaps I may do this more moving forward rather than just observing, witnessing and then keeping those people at a far enough distance away that they aren’t in my realm once I realise.

Aphrodite Archetype

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The Aphrodite Archetype I completely resonate with. I am strong yet uber feminine. I dive deep into relationships and give my all to the moment until it’s done. Sensuality is one of the divine gifts of the physical world and I enjoy colours, flavours, textures and touch as part of my “must have”. I take great care of my self and my body, I take the time to enhance my feminine nature and my features by choosing clothing that suits me and works well with my curvaceous figure.

Aphrodite was able to inspire change in those she spent time with and I do the same. I consistently am in a process of continual rebirth and blending my feminine and masculine aspects to create an incredible whole. I am highly creative and love to express myself in every aspect that I can whether it be by painting, drawing, speaking, dressing, creating a meal, in every way I express my creative energy.

I feel very blessed to resonate with the Aphrodite archetype. I am a very strong woman and appreciate that I can gain insight and inspiration from such a tremendous Goddess!

 

 

Eel Totem and “Great Change”

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Three weeks ago I graduated from University. Since then I have gone through a series of different emotions, running fast, then slowing right now, and even sprained my ankle! It’s an interesting space to be in where there are expectations of what a new graduate does, as in gets a typical job works and makes a little money. However, I haven’t wanted to return to something or a way of life that I have previously experienced, so I have been feeling the pull towards that familiar route and simultaneously a strong push away from it. It’s not that I don’t want to spend my time making valuable contributions to the world using my new knowledge and positively impact the world. I do! It’s just that old way of working does not appeal to me. Trading my life for someone else’s goals and ideas when I may just happen to find them on a job board is not appealing to me.

Offers have been coming my way that are not traditional as well, which I am very thankful for. None have fully resonated with me though. It’s not like they aren’t totally suited to me, because they are, it’s just that I don’t feel passionate about them. They happen to be jobs that are in line with my interests and the way I operate in the world, but for some reason that voice inside of me isn’t saying “GO GO GO”! Instead what’s happening is that I spend a heap of time deliberating if it’s a good idea, and it usually is, and if the pay will be enough for me and for the most part it has been, but there’s something vital missing. In all of these offers I’m still pushing someone else’s agenda which still does positively affect the world, but I don’t feel energised by the thought of actually doing the work to do it.

Obviously I am curious about myself as I witness this space of transformation. When I truly think about what does appeal to me, it is the ability to be my best self, make a difference in the world, make and complete highly ambitious goals and live a high end lifestyle. This is what I want and I am researching and learning about how others have done it and are doing it to gain some insight and inspiration. What I want is to combine all of my awesome into one package and deliver it in a relatable way to others. What I want is to inspire change in others like I have been inspired over the years and help people live in their best version of themselves. I want this for others because I want this for myself. I want to be happy and generous and kind and appreciative, and I also want to inspire others to also find their key qualities.

I truly believe that I can change the world but I know it will take collaboration and trust. I choose to live a meaningful life where I feel great about what I do every day, where I look my best, and I present my very best version of me.

Of course as I’m coming to all of this, the outside world reflects something so interesting and shows up as a guidepost on my path. Where I live there is a duckpond, it’s lovely. There are brown ducks, black ducks, a couple of white ducks and I took down some toasted bread for them this evening. Well, as I stood there passing out toasted treats to the ducks, I noticed an eel! Not just one but two eels! I’ve visited the pond countless times, not once have I ever seen this! I watched them and saw that the ducks left them alone and the eels left the ducks alone, they just both lived together. Every once in a while a duck would mistake the eel for food and give it a nibble but the eel just went along on it’s way.

As soon as I got home I looked up what an eel totem represented and lo and behold it all about awakening the kundalini energy of the serpent and “Great Transformation”! That the eel watches and takes in all the information and at the opportune time moves forward with ease. I know I am going through a major change and to have this reflected in the outer world still amazes me. Perhaps I needed to be reminded of the divinity in nature and in the world so that I can further honour it and allow myself to fully be present and accept that I will get everything I want as soon as I want it enough to just be it.

 

Final Exam, Final Semester

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This morning I have a final exam in Digital Marketing. This is the very last exam I have as an Undergraduate. There is an intense feeling of excitement and heaviness mixed with the completion of my Bachelors and this stage of life. There is a comfort in the stages of growth, however, each chapter must come to an end so that the story, my story can progress.

Without a doubt I am an eternal student. I have a curiosity about life that never ceases. I find that learning is available in every interaction, in every moment, it’s just up to me to realise it. Undertaking formal education is very different from my self-guided exploration, but I appreciate it nonetheless. I like the structure, I like the guidance and oddly I think I like deadlines within reason. I also appreciate that my courses have been very holistic in nature. Perhaps its due to the fact that they have been primarily Marketing courses this last year, but my professors have crafted such a wide variety of materials into the learning experience and it’s made it all that much more rich. When a guide/professor is experienced and they share what they have learned along the way with passion and enthusiasm it is like magic, where time and space in that moment cease and it’s all about the expansion within it. This doesn’t always happen, and it isn’t with every professor, in every class, in every subject, but when it does happen, it is one of the most joyous experiences at a higher learning institution.

Heading into this exam I have a High Distinction, which is the American equivalent to an A grade. I have excelled in the projects that have been required including a Digital Marketing Business Plan and a full Case Analysis on the largest social media platform at the moment, Facebook. I do hope that I can express what I have learned and the insight I have gained along the way in both formal and informal education about this topic in the exam today! I know I’ll just need to relax into it and let it come out of me as it’s all in there.

Perhaps this heaviness will pass after I am done. Perhaps the heaviness is due to the restriction of transformation, that moment where all things are tight and limiting until freedom is gained and a new beginning is made. I’ve had many transformations in my life and thankfully have lived very fully within each of those chapters, this one as a returning student is no exception. I’m very glad that I returned in my 30s. I have been able to get so much out of the subjects from this experience, a vast different from the social experience which I would definitely categorize during my first time at University when I was 18.

We’ll see what happens next! I’m sure it will be good, really good, it always is!

Awake?

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Awake or not awake. Isn’t trying to classify someone as “awake” or “not awake” just another way of segregation? By using those labels it brings further separation rather than the unity that is needed.

I find it interesting when people throw their views on you. I’m sure I do this as well and that’s why I can recognize it. Most of the time I think they are sharing what they need to hear as well, probably as much if not more than the person which whom they are talking.

So if I’m hearing the gospel from a person who has proclaimed to be “awake”, I question why they are telling this, especially when it has not been prompted. If I bring this back to marketing, it is when a brand is forcing its message upon a consumer when the consumer would rather feel like they are discovering it for themselves.

Immediately I pull back in situations like these. I try to really listen to what is going on, not just what is being said. I listen and I choose my next action, which is generally to exit.