awareness

Sleep

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It is amazing how sleep affects my life. It is more so an issue when I don’t get enough sleep. Having a baby is almost a contract to say that you vow to not get enough sleep for the rest of your life. At least, that is how having a baby has effected my sleeping patterns. If I am sleep deprived, I am more emotional, moody, I eat and drink more than I normally would, and I really struggle. I can certainly make it through, but it’s not my best, and it doesn’t feel good at all to scrape by like that.

My baby decided that 4am was the right time to wake up after a night of being up and down every hour or so since a short while after he went to bed. That’s a big deal. It was like this when he was a little baby and there was a point where my husband and I took shifts to so the other could sleep. So now when he’s 18 months old and a night comes like that, albeit it’s not as often as it was when he was brand new, it still carries such a weight with it. That weight is felt in my eyelids the next day, and even this evening as I type this out. That weight is felt in my body as I eat another burrito, and another tea. That weight is felt in my gaze as I drive, and it’s felt with every step when I heave him up to hold him on my hip.

It’s a big deal feeling slightly like a heavy zombie who has a dependent who cannot speak words and only demands via grunts and loud cries. You see, the baby is also sleep deprived. He also had a bad night. The poor guy. The situation with teeth coming in is rough. Almost any new growing pain that comes along can be really challenging for the little guy. Most of the time I realise this, but when I am also really tired, it definitely tries me.

I had to step outside with him at 430a into the starry autumn early morning just to jolt a change that would be different from crying inside holding him because nothing else I was doing was working. It did work, it helped us both actually. Isn’t the night sky amazing? I mean really, its so vast, so peaceful, so humbling. It’s hard not be taken aback a bit and feel that sense of awe and wonder, especially so when in the countryside where the sky is so clear and every star seems to be in it’s sparkling brilliance.

Sleep. I love you. Baby I love you. Now let’s have the things I love, love each other, please 🙂 Thank you. I promise I’ll be better tomorrow.

 

 

Sleep

Return to Uni Campus

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Today I was invited to have a catch up coffee with one of my old professors from Uni. How lovely it was to return to the lush Lismore campus! I could easily feel that relaxed vibe that oozes out of Southern Cross University. There were cute boho girls, surfy guys, dreadheads, asian students, and the academia. It was wonderful. My old professor teaches Marketing Principles and says they still use my example in class from a project I did nearly four years ago! That was quite the compliment to be honest. He then went on to tell me I was definitely one of the best students he has ever had, and that also felt really good to hear.

Truth is, I do know that I have amazing potential, that I am enthusiastic, fair minded, I enjoy problem solving and am a great communicator. I sometimes forget it seems, and it’s so nice to be reminded. I felt like I had to explain why I hadn’t achieved more than I have because I chose to get married and have a baby after graduating. I felt like I had to make excuses in a way, which felt kind of weird. I then remembered that I have actually started a business with my husband, the poultry processing business and it is actually running and brining in cashflow now. I always have these big images of what my business will be like, and how I will impact the world, and somehow I just ignore these other more mundane or less exciting, things in my life, even though they are also important.

Just for fun I keep up with Marketing topics via books, blogs, and general perception. I enjoy business and I enjoy marketing, so I naturally want to learn more about these, and I do. My learning certainly has not stopped since I graduated from University, it was just a nice restarting point for me, and I am grateful. I was asked if I was going to pursue my PhD or get my Masters, and I said that both were on my mind, but wasn’t sure when. I said I really needed to get my permanent residency first, which surprised him as he was certain I was already a citizen here. Yeah, I should be! I will be. Just not quite yet apparently.

It’s interesting to think of all the options out there in the world, ready and ripe for my taking. I trust that I am exactly where I need to be in life, and also trust that I am doing what I need in order to move forward in the best possible way. How nice it has been to be back home up here in the Northern Rivers with the divine weather and loving vibe.

Full Cup

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My cup feels so incredibly full right now. So full of joy, so full of warmth and love. It’s in the Northern Rivers where I feel this kind of ease and peace. When I was driving back from the shops, I saw my moon, the sliver that looks like a smile in the sky. Its the moon that I see as a reminder that I am in the right place. I looked up as I drove and said out loud in the car by myself “I know, I know”. This is the place where we need to be, where I and my family need to be.

I started to demand that the Universe show the steps, show the way now for this to happen. I am ready, I have never been more ready than right now. Our child is ready and it’s time for him to be spending more time with his grandparents while they are still able. It’s time for us to have the comforts and security of having money along with healthcare. It’s time for all of this. I love this feeling of a full cup, and I want more please. Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day

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Being a Mother is a big deal. It’s so much more of a big deal than I ever gave it credit, and probably still only know the beginning of it. I have learned that it is referred to as the “Initiation” when women become mother’s. It’s a leaving behind everything that you once knew in order to forge ahead in life as a wholly different person really. To experience such a wild transformation would of course yield major changes. It’s almost like climbing Mt Everest, something I haven’t done, but I imagine it’s similar. Having to battle the elements, with one foot in front of the other, feeling the weight of your bag getting heavier at each turn, then finally reaching the top, only to have to come back down again, exhausted, spent, and with new eyes.

It’s almost like major transformation requires that, it requires you to use every bit of physical and emotional stamina you have, it requires that you give everything, where nothing else is left, then you can make it through to the next stage of life. Being burnt to a crisp is so incredibly challenging, and I am sure that more women go through horrible post natal depression than they let on. I am sure that more women have battles with themselves and their choices than what they talk about. The image of the perfect mother getting back into shape, and carrying on like she wasn’t just broken physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, like a fast forward button had been pushed and suddenly it’s the same woman but now with a baby, is such a fallacy. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it isn’t this picture perfect image, not for any woman I know whom has actually divulged and truly shared what is happening for her in her life.

Even amongst the sample population within my mother’s group, there have been a myriad of situations including not healing all the way physically, having post natal depression, miscarriage or a pregnancy entirely too soon that did culminate in another child, relationships that were rocky, relationships that then ceased to exist as they once were, the push pull dynamic of needing to have 2 incomes versus having the mum spend these unbelievably important early years with the baby, it’s like every one of the women I know has gone through quite a bit with this. The challenge is real, that’s for damn sure. The perfect image is such bullshit, and I now know this firsthand.

So here’s to all the Mother’s who have made the most out of it. To all the mother’s who have silently dealt with their pain. To all the mother’s who have given of themselves so selflessly and have done it because it’s just what a mother does. Here’s to all the mother’s who nurture, who teach, who live in love every day, it is a special privilege and I am so thankful that I am one of them.

Driving as Meditation

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Oh how I love a road trip. I love the open roads, I love looking out to the big open sky, I love the changing scenery, and I love my mind unleashes in the car. It’s interesting when sitting in one place for hours on end, with a direct focus on the road, instantly puts me into a meditative state. It’s wonderful. It’s lucid, it’s both relaxed and alert, which is something I strive for in general. This happens as soon as I’m out of the city and on a stretch of road that I know I’ll be on for a while. It’s wonderful.

I have taken many road trips in my life and have taken solo ones as well, which I highly recommend to every person, just for your own growth. These days my road tripping is generally contained while on vacation, or when heading up the farm which is a full long day of driving. I honestly don’t mind it though. I find it rather soothing, as long as it’s not dark!

My mind comes up with such amazing thoughts, ideas, insights, and flares of brilliance when I’m driving. On a few occasions I’ve actually recorded it, but not nearly enough. It’s a great time to actually talk out loud and speak whatever is brewing at every level of my mind and heart. It’s sometimes totally divine and just comes out so easily.

I’ve often found refuge in my car, even from a young age. I would just go on drives by myself. Sometimes I still even sit in my car even after I’ve arrived some place because it feels comfortable to me. It’s a safe place, it helps me to go where I want to both physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have worked out so many emotions when driving, and it’s not reserved just for rage.

Music is a natural companion in the car as it speaks to the soul on a different level, and what better place than when you are on a road trip and in that relaxed yet alert state, so perfect. It’s also so perfect when the radio keeps scanning because there isn’t a station that can be picked up. That’s a great time to dive inward. Recently I was listening to a audible book and it was also so perfect to listen so openly, I am certain I absorbed those words more effectively than if I were doing much of anything else.

Meditation doesn’t have to be sitting lotus position with your eyes closed. It is available all the time, in so many different ways and I am thankful to realise and experience this for what it is, expanding consciousness and awareness, even when going from point A to point B.

Emotional Affair

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I do have an emotional affair with my inner self. I really do. I hadn’t fully thought about that until recently. I love experiencing my own emotions, my own feelings, and I particularly like when I get to do that on my own terms, in my own way, and alone. I don’t like to go through some emotional upheaval in the presence of others. I don’t feel like I can totally let loose and fully be in my emotions that way.

Perhaps this is why I have been journaling and blogging since I was 18, it’s been a way for me to talk to myself, privately, and intimately. As most long term love affairs go, it has only gotten better with time. I have become more honest with myself. I have exposed my whole soul to myself. I love that I have been brave enough to do this, because it does take bravery to be this way. To allow space for my own emotional vulnerability is brave, it does take intention, and I am almost proud of myself for starting this habit so many years ago. That means, that for half of my life I have been writing in some form. That’s beautiful. I love this emotional long term love affair, and it will only continue to grow stronger, deeper, more transparent, and expansive.

Home

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Returning to the Northern Rivers is like coming home. It well and truly feels unlike any other “Home” I’ve felt outside of Yosemite National Park. I have never felt this warm loving way about my actual hometown, nor the place where I went to University. Those were all places that I lived for a while, grew in, and then left. This however, this feeling of home in the Northern Rivers of Australia, is indeed home.

What is that feeling? It’s a warm mix of familiarity, love, openness, and a real sense of connection, of closeness. It extends beyond just the beautiful nature, and the friendly people, it’s in the air, it’s in the soil, it’s on the radio, it’s everywhere around.

Returning to the farm and seeing things of mine from before, before having baby even, it almost feels like what I have read about other people going home on Christmas holidays or the like. To me, it truly feels like this is my home, like actual home. I have grown so close to my husband’s parents, and I love them. I love them as though they were my own, and with a deepness like I have always known them. I love getting to come back home and experience this again, it is so special and I hope to one day make my own “home” that feels like home.

I Enjoy My Creativity

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I do thoroughly enjoy my creativity. It is something that makes me happy. Creating, in all ways, whether it is painting, writing, dancing, cooking, putting something together, I do take a lot of joy in it. In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert says that by truly enjoying your own creativity, you entice the muse, the inspiration to return again and again. I agree with this thought. It creates a space, a habit, a sankara, whereby every time I then go to create again, it happens in a joyous fashion. I did think for a quite some time that you needed to be a tortured artists in order to really dive in and feel the emotions to share them, but I don’t think that any more, and I am so freaking glad. I am so over the torment and tribulations that I have gone through which have created a depth of emotion, but really, I’m so over that.

Now, taking joy in whatever I am doing makes more sense, and feels better. This goes for everything! Everything I do with Joy and Ease and Grace. Yes, thank you, more please.

Writing as a Sexy Mistress

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“Treat your writing, your craft as a sexy mistress” Elizabeth Gilbert suggests in her book Big Magic. I love this idea. Get dressed up so that inspiration will come knocking on my door. Steal away moments with my sexy mistress late at night or for 15 minutes in the middle of the day because the opportunity has arisen.

Take to writing or painting or anything else that requires inspiration, to come forth with passion and vigour. Think about it like a passionate love affair, about being totally in love with it that you HAVE to do it, to be with it. What a romantic notion. I’ll take that, thank you.

Writing as Therapy

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Writing as a discovery process of myself naturally means that it is therapeutic to me. I am not certain how to discover more about myself and not see it that way. As I dive in deeper, as I explore who I am and naturally I become easier with myself.

When I am setting out to write, even these little thoughts bursts in the form of a blog post, it is for me. It has always been for me. I almost haven’t wanted anyone else to see it or read it, unless I share it, because I treat HonestThoughts.com as my online journal of sorts. It truly is a storage place of my thoughts, ideas, expressions, and personal explorations.

Now translating this process into writing something larger will be great therapy for me in many ways. When I go into detail about my NICU experience it will first and foremost really be for me. It will really be about me processing the whole ordeal so that I can gain some insight, distill it into myself, and then move on. I am certain that someone will get benefit out of it, and some won’t, and I’m not that concerned about the reception. Overall, it really is my own personal journey sharing what I’ve gone through in black and white so that it is done and out of my head and heart.

How wonderful is the process of going through ideas and experiences this way. I remember when I had returned from Brazil, I couldn’t not write, as in I HAD to write. I HAD to process my emotions and my experiences in some way and it had to be writing for me. I also did a lot of painting at that time which was nice, but the writing felt compulsory, and highly therapeutic for me. The difference is when i was writing about Brazil, I wasn’t thinking that it was just for me… I thought about it for others as well. Now that I’ve gained a bigger view, I see that it really is all about me helping myself via writing. If that isn’t as self-help as it gets I’m not sure what is.