awareness

Training the Mind

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In the current series of visualisations I’m doing via Headspace, creativity is the focus. The idea is to create a light, bright, warm, expansive state in the mind and to feel comfortable in that. It starts with visualising a creative spark where I can feel my breath and then it grows to encompass my body, the room, our house, our neighbourhood, the state, the country, the globe, and into the universe. It’s beautiful. It feels great.

It is mentioned how great ideas and problem solving happens when our mind is relaxed but still alert. This is where big thoughts happen in the shower, or out for a walk, or while eating a blueberry pie. That last reference is from a film I watched years ago where the protagonist was suggested to stop and eat a slice of pie so the answer would come to him, and of course it did.

It’s funny how when we try to chase an idea down with the mind, it’s almost like chasing a rabbit, you get closer and closer and then you can sometimes catch it, but other times you just exhaust yourself in trying to find the way to catch it rather than actually catching it and working with it from there. The other option is that to quietly hold out a carrot or piece of alfalfa and watch the rabbit come to you. Drawing the rabbit in, drawing the idea in and giving it a safe space is really effective. Training my mind in this way gives me the “pull” factor, the attraction factor that I am looking for to create a space for ideas, solutions, dreams, and plans to form safely in big bright ways.

As an earnest student, I am taking this in and getting excited about the possibilities of what it means and how to apply it. During the day I am incredibly more present, and I can feel that expansion and calmness with me. I love that there can be the wonderful “AND” involved in life. I love that I can seek to be energised and calm, relaxed and alert, loving and strong, rich and ethical. This is my new realm of being, including the AND in my life with an expansive, bright, clear mind that helps me to best share my merits with others through creative problem solving and solutions.

Divine Intervention Anniversary

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Today is the 6 year anniversary of my Divine Intervention, a la head-on-collision that I experienced soon after arriving to Australia. Six years. Wow. What a life changing event that was and I am so completely and utterly grateful. Talk about silver linings! Since then, I have found the absolute love of my life, gotten married, created an amazing child, graduated from University, and grown in countless ways that have helped me to evolve into a really well rounded woman and human being.

So grateful. You never know how it all goes together, until looking back at your life, it does all connect, and it does all happen on purpose.

I am so lucky.

Morning Meditation

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How sweet is a morning meditation upon waking up. How lovely it is. It truly feels like a sweet start to the day. I’ve been meditating with the Headspace App and have really been enjoying it. I have even gone so far as to buy a year long subscription because I see the value it has and has added to my life.

Starting out the day with clarity of mind and thought, is a massive improvement of waking up and just scrambling to get ready. For me it usually involves having to quickly get up because the baby is in need of attention in the other room. The baby doesn’t wake up gently and quietly. Rather he wakes up with a full force of why are you leaving me in here, come get me now! That can be a jarring morning experience one that sets the day on high alert, and a bit of grogginess.

On days where I wake up naturally before baby wakes up, and have the time to stretch and meditate, the day is exponentially better. I feel ready, prepared, and very clear, it’s wonderful and a remarkable difference.

The key is when doing a morning meditation, that I’ve just woken up from a night of dreams, and it is so easy to slip into the meditative state because my mind hasn’t already been filled with the trappings of the day. I haven’t talked to anyone, I haven’t emailed, or read anything, I just go right back into my own mind and body, it’s beautiful, and easy.

When sitting a course at Vipassana Centres, every morning I would wake and meditate immediately. It was a part of the routine. I would literally realise I was awake and then promptly sit up in my bed right there, and close my eyes, focus on my breath and start my meditation practice. After my own personal meditation, then I would go to the hall or to my own meditation cell and continue my practice. All of this well before breakfast time. I could get in a good couple of hours first thing in the morning this way.

The whole purpose of sitting for meditation at a centre like that is so that there are no distractions so the meditator can solely focus on their practice. The reality of being at home and being a house person rather than say a monk, is that life is so much more complex, and I accept that. Having a little slice of morning meditation before getting into the day, feels like luxury to me and I’ll take more of that please.

Open to Money

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It’s interesting to think about the relationship between money and my self. I grew up without having much around and had to rely on the government for basic living expenses via my parents. I didn’t really learn how to handle money or anything about money really other than that you need it to buy groceries and food and to put gas into the car. As I’ve grown in age, I’ve also grown with experiences with money. We have had an on again off again relationship, rocky at times, super high and incredible at others, and now it’s steadily a third party relationship. All of my needs are met, but I don’t earn any money specifically on my own. I have a job that is generally very undervalued in society because it doesn’t bring in money, but it absolutely essential to the growth of said society, as I have chosen to stay with my baby as his primary caretaker while my husband is the sole monetary provider. Right now in our lives, this works and we make it.

Lately though, I have been thinking about how I envision that I will have 50 million dollars by the time I am 45, within the next 9 years. I think that’s a big amount, but on the other hand, it’s not that big at all in comparison to a lot of wealth out there. For me, from this moment right now, it feels like a lot. I think about how money buys opportunity, and how when I have a lot of money I will be generous and put my money where my mouth is and make a positive contribution with it. I actually don’t envision my life itself being all that different, strangely. I imagine that we’ll live in a nicer house in a nicer neighbourhood, or in the country side. I imagine that we’ll probably have a regular housekeeper like we have had in the past in moments. I imagine that we’ll probably eat well, as in healthy fresh foods, regularly. I imagine that I’ll take classes and expand my education, that we will travel, and life will be similar but a little different than it is right now. The thing is that I am still the same person, with a lot of money, or not. I am still me, my values will not change. I will still strive to develop myself as I do. I will still create art, I will keep writing, I will continue living my life in a full expression like I am now. Sure there will be some changes, but fundamentally I will be the same.

I welcome it into my life now. I wouldn’t have known how to handle it earlier in my life, and now I am ready. I am totally open to living the experience of having more opportunities, and being a donor of money to many causes, and philanthropies. I look forward to seeing the world and soaking up culture via more travel. I look forward to living my full expression including with the luxury style experiences I’ve had in bits and moments, as my regular life. I am ready. I am ready to do this with my husband and our child, from today on. I am ready and that feels incredible.

Body Issues

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I don’t know if I have written about this recently, but I am still amazed at how many women that are my age come out saying that they have hated their bodies, or really had serious body issues. I had a friend at Uni when I was in the sorority who would barf at the end of the night and I tried it with her a couple of times, but I really hate puking. I did it just because I was up for trying it out, not because I hated my body. I had a lot of other issues growing up, but being ashamed or feeling weird about my body was never one of them. Maybe if I really think about it, I was a bit self conscious about my feet because they grew in first and in 4th grade one of the twins used to say I had Ronald McDonald feet, but I then grew into them. Then I did have a thing where I wanted to have a nose job when I was in high school, but I think it was mostly because it was kind of accepted to want that, I am quite happy with my nose actually. I still do want to get Invisalign but to me that is just light cosmetic stuff, braces are normal, and I’d like to just straighten my teeth up a bit. I’m sure I could start looking for things to point out or name that I could improve, but overall, I have a very healthy sense of self and a positive body image. I am lucky. Apparently I am a minority it seems.

I know that the magazine and media culture is really harsh. I just happen to be lucky growing up in America and looked more or less like the people on the tv. I am tall, relatively thin, nice breasts, my body has a nice proportion to it, I have naturally blonde hair, a pleasant happy looking face, it was all luck of the draw and I am thankful. So very thankful. I obviously had other things to work on in this lifetime beyond my body. Granted, I still do take care of it, I have naturally been someone who gravitates to eating healthier and fresher. I also don’t normally overeat, and I do move my body. So all things considered, my body is good to me and I am good to my body. 🙂

Back to this thing about women with the body issues and those who have come through it, it’s hard for me to actually imagine what that is really like. I have never hated myself. I may have wished that I had a different family, or that the place I lived was better, or the clothes I wore were of better quality, but all of that was external, it wasn’t an internal battle against myself. Now that I’m an adult, I get to choose all of those external things and I have chosen very well, I even created my own new family whom I absolutely adore and love. My issues were always external, all things I could change, all things that if I worked on them, would indeed change and get better. So for me to think about what that internal battle like that must have been like or is like for women who have serious body issues, I really can’t relate and I want to.

I guess part of it is that I feel like I can relate to so many different people, from various walks of life, because I have lived such a diverse and rich life so far. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and find some common ground. If the topic comes to body issues, I just listen and stand there but can’t really contribute other than how hard that must have been. I’m glad I can’t relate actually, and maybe that’s the point of difference, it isn’t in that way that I will positively impact their lives.

Cleaning to Allow the New

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Being in a cluttered, messy environment makes me feel very uneasy. I get to a point at home where I cannot relax until the house is somewhat in order. It could be from my roots where this phobia comes from, or it could be that I don’t get overly attached to things, and all in all I’d rather not have a bunch of stuff around for stuff’s sake. Also having been a traveler, I came to Australia with hardly anything, so everything I have now, I’ve acquired in the last six years. I clean out my closet regularly and I try to donate or give away things that I don’t need and or use. The feeling after it’s gone, is so nice, and it makes it all worth it.

The idea that you cannot take anything else in your hands if they are full, totally resonates with me. If I let go of whatever I have in one of my hands, then I can receive something new and hopefully better. I can then upgrade my life piece by piece this way. I’m okay with that, since short of a big windfall of money, this is how I will make my way and help improve our lot in life as of now.

Decluttering can seem like a monstrous task, and procrastination easily joins in on the ride. I still have issues with throwing out papers, even though I know I can scan them because I just haven’t fully gotten into that yet. I don’t throw away my journals for the same reason. I also have a hard time giving away, donating or even selling books that I think I will use. Almost everything else, I can let go of.

It’s interesting to see what I become attached to and what I can easily say good bye to. There was one stage in my life where I was so unattached to things that I gave away what I would consider now, to be very sentimental things that I cannot get back. Such things are a piece of art that my little sister made when she was in junior high. It was a copper twisted tree hanging onto a big stone, I left it with an old partner when I moved out. Another was a quilt my grandmother had sewn and gave to me that I left at my friends house, who thankfully kept it and now has it with her in California, so I know I’ll at least get that back. Strangely another is the award I won for the “Face of Voyeur” when I was a part of the Byron Fashion Show that I just left in a share house that I had been living in. I wish I would have kept these things. There are probably some others, but these come to mind quite a bit for me.

So now, when I am decluttering, letting things go, and just eliminating things from my life, I take a bit more care to keep things that I still am emotionally attached to. I don’t want to end up in the position of longing for something I can no longer have, it only takes up mental space. In general I don’t cling to the past. I am fine to move on and keep progressing in my life. I almost feel that it’s because I am easy to let things go that it is conversely also easy for me to keep moving.

Decluttering and cleaning house has profound effects. The cleaner and clearer the house, the cleaner and clearer the mind. It’s all a manifestation and if I can do one to influence the other, then so I shall.

Muse

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The idea that I am a channel for a muse is exciting. I know I have served as a muse for numerous people and I am curious if that also exists in that way. That whenever you are ready, the muse will arrive in whatever form, in the form of inspiration, or some supernatural kind of thought or vision, or literally in physical form in front of you.

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic she talks about how the genius is the person who works beside you, it isn’t you. This isn’t a new idea, but it’s the most recent reference I have on hand. Further both her and Steven Pressfield talk about how the muse will visit many people before they find the one that is ready to take on the project.

I then wonder if that has any influence on the fact that in different areas of the world, without modern communication tools, ancient civilisations were progressing with similar hand made tools, and languages. It could be that they were open to it, and they received the inspiration to start making hieroglyphs, or to start tracking the seasons using tombs and rocks.

So how to be open to the the muse? My first thought is the equation Preparation + Opportunity = Success. Perhaps adding in to that a holding of the space in which to create that success is necessary, hence the idea of sitting down to write every single day like it’s a job so that the muse knows you are serious, knows you are there waiting, holding the space, ready to do the work.

 

Token for One Life

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I read something earlier that reminded me that this is only one wild and crazy life that I am given. That feeling of scarcity does two things, first it makes me freak out a bit and think oh my god. The other thing that happens is it spurs my mind into motion about how I can make the best most amazing life possible.

If I know I only have one life to live, then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me or who I am. None of it matters. All that matters is sharing the love I have with my family and friends, and any excess, with the rest of the world.

If I think about only having one life to live, my mind then starts to jump to being a whole new person in a whole new level of playing this game of life. I have already lived many reincarnations of myself in “different lives” in this body, but there is still so much I will accomplish, that I am accomplishing, that I will experience in my lifetime.

How will I best use this token? How will I best create anchors in my life to help me on my way to creating the better version of myself and my life every single day?

Women and Entrepreneurship

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Every female entrepreneur in the scene seems to be the same same but different to me. It’s like they had this crazy corporate life, drank way too much in their younger days, had a series of relationships that didn’t fit, and finally came around to help other women get through and find what they are looking for in money, love, and health. I am also amazed at how many women have had eating disorders and now talk about them. I really had no idea that this many women really hated their bodies and were so bad to themselves in that way. This part I do not relate to on their journey, but I certainly relate to a lot of it.

The thing is as I hear it or read it, it just feels almost bland to me now that I’ve been exposed to this scene for a few years now. It feels like it needs shaking up. I know that not everyone is meant to be a one-on-one coach and that’s great, but I guess now everyone has the opportunity to publish their own work, be their own talk show host and a lot of women are taking advantage of this.

I totally support this. I really genuinely support women taking a stand and doing life a different way. It’s like we have to. It feels like we are moving out of the stage where we were trying to be like men, to a stage where we are owning our own space, way and process of getting there.

Pre-Motherhood Judgey Bitch

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Whoa. I used to be the biggest judgey bitch about how other people were handling, or not handling their children in public. It was not beyond me at all to roll my eyes, give dirty looks, and sigh heavily when I would be around a child melting down or wild children running about reeking havoc in the grocery store. I used to always ask to myself and sometimes loud enough to where they probably could hear… “why can’t they control their children?!”. I am certain that I was not the only single person in the history of single people to have said something like that or have behaved so appalling. I was just as bad and I certainly did not make the situation any better.

Fast forward to now, where I have a baby and know very intimately what it is like to to a child into the grocery store, or any shop for that matter. There are times when my child is just so over being in his pram, or in the grocery cart and he lets everyone around know. My baby has an incredibly strong voice, his projection is something that amateur theatre actors would love to have, and for him it just comes naturally. Oh so naturally.

Now when my baby has a melt down and demands that i give him a squeezy yogurt in the shop, you know what? I do! I give him the damn thing. I let my child eat the food in the grocery store before we even pay for it. Yes, I am that person. I am also that person who is trying her best to concentrate on what has the least amount of sugar so I can give it to him all the while he is yelling and sometimes producing real tears. It’s crazy. It’s so crazy that I know I am putting off a vibe for everyone around to move out of my way while I try my best to stay calm, take deep breaths and carry on. I do my best to stay composed and I do, I really do. Underneath though… oh lord. However, I know that I need to not give him the attention, or whatever in that moment, I just need to make sure he is taken care of. I don’t want a tantrum thrower, please, not one of those!

The interesting thing is that when I see other people with kiddos, especially while this is happening, I can see the compassion, they totally understand. Then I see the oldies and they may have forgotten and seem kind of shocked. Then I see all the singletons who are quietly judging just like I did. Just wait singletons… just wait until it’s your turn.