awareness

Resistance and Steven Pressfield

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In “The War of Art” Steven Pressfield discusses Resistance with a capital R as the nemesis to actually doing and creating the work you are meant to create. I’m about half way through the book, which I mostly read after bub has gone to bed at night, or in the precious private moments I have in the bathroom. Funny that I would take a book that will obviously have a profound impact about how I create, into the loo. I have to laugh about this.

If I look at the bathroom as a metaphor, it is the place of letting go of what is no longer needed. How amazingly appropriate is it that I would be reading a book about overcoming, moving past, letting go of the resistance, the constipation, the delay of the next stage, in the bathroom, specifically on the toilet. This is incredibly amusing to me. It fits my life so well too.

He talks about how we will enlist people in our lives who are living out our unfulfilled lives as a way to not do the work ourselves. As I spoke to a dear friend of mine last night, she was telling me about a book she is writing along with the short stories she has submitted for recognition and money. She is taking a self publishing course, and has a writing coach. I could hear her enthusiasm and I felt happy that she was doing this, and I have full faith that he will do well with this. She is dedicated to the cause, she gets in there, and is a highly ambitious person. Her partner is also a creative guy and both hold regular hours in jobs that are meaningful for them.

As I was taking in what she was telling me, I immediately realised that she was living out an unlived life of mine. One that I have kept secret more or less, in the way that I don’t go about saying “I’m a writer” and “I’m writing a book”. Although when I returned from living in Brazil, I did say just that, but partly because my ego was so hurt and I felt like I needed to have something to say that I did. Honestly I was writing a lot in the form of journal entries or blog posts, but it never fully eventuated. Oh boy that feeling sucks. When you’ve then told people you are doing something and then it doesn’t happen for whatever reason, or doesn’t happen as fast as anyone thinks it will. I would like to avoid that feeling as much as possible, so I don’t say things like that now. Instead I quietly keep it to myself.

So I didn’t mention to my friend that I have been regularly posting on my blog again. I didn’t mention again that it’s a goal of mine to publish work that matters to me and I hope that will positively influence people in the world. I didn’t mention any of this. I did have fear arise. I thought what if she writes about my own personal life, she knows so much and my life is so rich.

This makes me baulk at the idea now, its’ still could happen, but I don’t think she would jeopardise our friendship like that by telling my story from her lens, or at least I hope she wouldn’t’. It did however, spur fear into me. Fear is another form of Resistance. Fear stops us from succeeding even before beginning. Fear is the bedfellow of failure and I recognised it straight away. So what am I to do?

The natural competitiveness in me started to rise, I could feel it. I then thought what if I also start writing short stories and submitting them for recognition and money. Then I felt bad, because I only know of the idea because of her. That is also fear, that is fear of success before it even happens. I must move past this and recognise that it is again Resistance in the form of Fear.

Next the fire inside of me started to burn and said, WRITE MORE! Get your story out. Keep writing, continue to make this a habit just as I have my meditation practice, just as I have made it a habit to have a pot of tea with my husband in the morning. Create the habit.

The point of all this is that I can see Resistance in so many areas of my life, and now that I can identify it, I can and will do something about it. Steven Pressfield then goes on to say that if you hold your regular hours of writing, and your muse will show up there. I have found that if I wait until late at night, I am too tired, so I need to make it in the morning while my husband looks after bub. The thing is if I commit to saying I will do this every single day no matter what and something arises, then I will have more Resistance. So for now, I will just continue to commit to writing as of I have lately and let Resistance lose its’ power.

Love My Body

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I just caught a glimpse of my shadow as I walked upstairs. It’s morning, there’s a dewy kind of autumn fog outside, but inside it’s cozy, the perfect temperature to get you going in the morning. I saw my beautiful shadow with it’s hourglass like structure, the indention of my waist, the soft curves of my hips. It caught me off guard, even my shadow is lovely.

This may sound narcissistic. It may sound self absorbed. Truth is that it’s taken me a total shake up of my view of myself to fully come to love my body in the way that I do. I wasn’t one of those girls that struggled with body image when they were in high school or in their early 20s. I have been blessed in life to be tall, blonde, and with very nice large breasts. I am lucky, and it truly has been luck of the draw. I didn’t develop hips until I was in my mid-20s and now after having a child and being in my mid 30s, they are nicely filled out. How lovely to have curves.

When I see my reflection in the mirror I think good thoughts, I look at my caesarian scar and although it has never properly healed, I look at it with love. I see my body as a whole through eyes of love and that feels great.

How to get to this stage I guess could be the question. How to get to a point where you love your body and cherish it in such ways? Does it need to take one, err two, near death experiences to create this kind of loving awareness? Does it need to take hundreds and hundreds of hours of meditation to come to a state where love is the lens in which one looks through? Do you have to go through partners who didn’t appreciate your body and to partners who just about worshiped it in order to feel a sense of pride in your own appearance? Do you have to have your body in shambles and then rebuild it to understand the importance of maintaining your health and wellbeing which directly affects the way your body looks and feels?

If I knew how to pinpoint how to love and appreciate your body in a direct that would be helpful. However, when looking at my own life, it’s as always, a myriad of rich experiences that have cultivated this sense of self and again, I am lucky. I love you body. Thank you for everything.

Better Body After Baby

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This is going to sound crazy. My body seems to be better after having a baby. Better as in, slimmer than before and stronger. I wonder if I have been naturally toning my body because I lift my baby, my top of the chart in weight baby, all day every day. If it’s because I am constantly picking up things from the floor, moving around and bending over regularly.

I was lucky, bitter sweet advantage of having a baby 32 weeks along versus 40 weeks, but it was really easy for me to lose the baby weight, I had hardly gained anyway, and within two weeks I was back below what I had started before getting pregnant. This then fluctuated with lack of sleep, crazy eating patterns, stress, and the whole transition into being a mum, but overall my weight stayed the same. My body however felt pudgy, untoned, out of shape. It even created such a concern to me that I tried a ridiculous body wrap which in turn caused more trouble than any good, I was self conscious. Fast forward about six months, and baby is now about a year and a half old, and seriously my body feels like it’s in pretty good shape. I have endurance, I have strength, I am flexible, and I feel strong.

So maybe this isn’t a fluke. Maybe this is what happens to a lot of moms but the media seems to focus on diet this, diet that, or how to “lose the baby weight” which all of those do more harm than good. I didn’t do any diet, I have just been aware what I have been eating, gotten more sleep, and I play with my baby on the daily.

Share My Merits

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Lately when I have been meditating I have been creating a focus specifically about acting on ways where I can share my merits with others. I am keen to contribute to the growth and the support of others so that they can grow in beneficial ways and in ways that I can help.

Throughout my life I have had the opportunity of massive growth, of personal reincarnation again and again, of reinventing myself, of being the phoenix that rises from the ashes, of being my own hero on my own hero’s journey time and again. All of these evolutions, all of these insights, lessons, and developed awareness is ripe for the process of using it to help others. Absolutely ripe. I want to, I will, I must help others be their best selves too. It’s a constant process and I know it intimately.

When I was a little girl I would always end my prayers with “and please help me be the best person I can possibly be.” Now that I am an adult I have internalised that and now add to help me share my merits with others. So it shall be.

Lazy Sundays

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Sundays have a different feel altogether from the other days of the week. It’s almost like a calm comes over Australia and people just relax into the day where you don’t really have to do anything. It feels great.

I love to ride that energy and fully enjoy a Lazy Sunday with my family. It’s nice to just lounge and take the day at a snails pace. It doesn’t happen often, and perhaps that’s why it’s so nice. Today was one of those days and the weather was perfectly suited with autumn drizzle. Again, something that I like in small doses, to switch it up a bit.

We all need these kinds of days, where we can truly relax. In a world where being busy is the norm, the change helps to reenergise and allow for a recoup before the next surge of energy, the next project, the next endeavour.

Objective Look at Lack of Flow

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If I had a friend who told me she was trying to make it to a goal, but things kept steering her away, and so many obstacles came out left and right, I would likely tell her that she needed to slow down and take a look at what she is doing and why she is doing it.

When you are where you are supposed to be, and you are prepared for the opportunities that arise, things flow in your favour. When you are in a situation that you are truly not prepared for, things do not always flow in your favour, and it’s to your benefit from the eagle’s eye view point.

So take this time to step back, regroup, and think about what happens next. Slow it down, breathe, recenter, make a plan, and then move forward step by step. Then allow the flow to happen smoothly and seemingly effortlessly.

That’s a key point too, that it’s not that you just happen to be lucky and things all start going your way, sure that does definitely happen too, but it’s about being open and prepared in some way for the opportunity that allows that seemingly effortless flow. It’s all about the preparation beforehand, so that when in the present moment, intuition can guide, the gut instinct can be trusted, and things fall into place.

Take time, regroup, prepare, and then, start again with a calm and quiet mind.

One Million Dollars

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Truth is we really do need one million dollars. Well, specifically Nine Hundred and Ninety-Five Thousand dollars plus fees for buying the land. It’s my husband’s family’s farm, the bulk of the acreage. The family does need the money, his parents are in their 80s and they need to look after this next stage of life, which includes building a specific place to grower in, and having a carer. The other part of the farm, the smaller acreage is still theirs, but it only has about 3 usable acres, with the rest on a slope with trees they planted years ago, which apparently now they can’t cut down due to the possibility of koalas going through there. As much as I understand the koala situation, I also have never once seen a koala there and haven’t heard of seeing one ever.

We need to be the ones to buy that portion of the farm. It needs to be us because we will continue to treat the land fairly, we won’t infringe on his parents, we will allow the poultry processing plant which is on the smaller acreage to continue, and we will be great neighbours. We want to build a house on the farmland so that we can raise our son, and possibly other children if we have them, there too, just like my husband was raised there.

I ought to not go into too many details but I can say that the family farm and land is all under a trust and because of that the members have to vote on what happens, and not everyone wants the land to be kept. Not everyone has the attachment, and not everyone has the keen desire to see it kept in the family either. I’m not going to judge, but it certainly affects us and we have to deal with it.

After calling council and realising that they have a rule in place where a farm zoned area cannot be broken into smaller acreages other than by two, apparently, then the 110 acres must be sold in two lots as they are. They do this in order to stop people from whittling down the land to keep it farmland. Honestly there is no way in hell that a property that is one million dollars would ever recoup that running cattle, or chickens or any other animal that is suitable for that hilly land. So farmers are cut out of the option. Next would be someone who wants to buy the land and build a house on the “million dollar view” land, but surely they wouldn’t use it for farm land, unless it was a hobby farm and they didn’t need to generate money from it.

Since we are in the start up phase of our family life, we are not in the position to have that kind of money laying around, especially because I chose for me to stay at home with the baby to be the primary carer and to ensure that he is well looked after. I do not regret this one bit, AND I’d like to have the money to do this anyway.

So in essence I felt very sad, frustrated, dismayed and physically in pain when I saw the farm posted up on the real estate web page. There it was, with my mother-in-law’s Simmental cows grazing in the paddocks. It’s been talked about for a while and I’ve know this was coming, but something made it all too real seeing it posted along with every other property that is out there. It’s just so sad to me and I want to change this. We want it for all the right reasons, and I know life isn’t always fair, but I really want it to go in our favour, very soon and now, please.

Meditation, My beginnings

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Meditation has been something I’ve done since 2008, so a good 8 years now. I started out with teaching myself how to meditate while living in Sao Paulo, Brazil. I would lay down, with ear plugs in, and focus on one word, and then just keep going back to it it. This was effective and was a great start.

Vipassana was introduced into my world in early 2009 when I ended up staying about 2 months at the Vipassana Centre in North Fork, California. I had returned from Brazil and was seriously needing to find my own centre, funny that North Fork just happens to be the exact centre of California too. All so very fitting. In Vipassana, specifically in a 10 day silent meditation course, you think of nothing. For the first 3 days you focus only on your breath, narrowing it down the little triangle under your nose. Then for the next 7, the whole practice is scanning the body from head to toe, toe to head, and spending time on the painful/hard/heavy places before moving on. Then the very last 24 hours, Metta gets introduced which is like the salve after doing this major work. Jetta is all about loving kindness. The best way I found for practicing Metta was to focus on myself being vibrant, healthy, in a place that I have been, or an imagined state of being where I am full of happiness. After I really feel that, then I would think about others in the same way, imagining them full of health, being so vibrant, and with the biggest smiles ever. I would think about Goenka the teacher, I would think of dear friends, I would think about family, and then people I have had challenges with in the same light, then I would think of people I have seen but have never actually spoken to, because loving kindness extends to everyone always. It’s a lovely practice. When doing it all together in a single “sit” you start for a few minutes on your breath, then move to scanning the body as the bulk of the practice, then at the end a few minutes of Metta. Any time the mind wanders, just bring it back, always bring it back. We would sit like this for hours on end for days at a day. Overall I have sat more than 50 days in silence like this, and have served on courses where I have meditated 6 or more hours a day while serving others. It was the ultimate reset and what I needed. I did the majority of this kind of meditation from 2009 until 2011 when I had moved to Australia.

I have kept the scanning part of Vipassana very much with me even if I haven’t sat in the centre, it just became a way of life, even though I certainly never sat the two hours a day they recommend after leaving. That was too much for me outside of the centre world.

Life is Pretty Great

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There is nothing like getting away on holiday for long enough to fully appreciate your normal life. What a blessed life I live! Truly. There is an ample amount of love flowing through my family, we are all healthy, happy, enjoying one another. My husband has a day job that he really enjoys where he gets to make a difference and has some authority and responsibility. I have been really In-Joy-ing being a mother lately, being the person who is with our baby, looking after him, growing with him, discovering and revelling in the curiosity of life, it’s wonder-filled for certain!

We have a great place to live, the weather in autumn in Australia is perfect, it’s always around the mid-20s, with blue skies and some clouds, it’s divine. Our backyard is plenty big enough to house Mrs Brown and Mrs White our chickens and their coop. I just love watching them peck around and do their chicken thing of scratching, putting their bums up high and pecking into the ground. It’s so funny to witness them being who they are in their true chicken essence.

Our house is great, everything works and it’s in good repair. Our furniture and everything inside of our house feels comfortable and I have a spacious kitchen to prepare meals and get creative with our food. Our bed is so comfortable and I sleep so well in it.

The recent restart of meditating at least once, usually twice a day has really helped me and I need to remember, that by doing so, it brings such clarity, peace, presence and appreciation in my life. That along with travel and a whole heap of love, and life well and truly is great.

Yay!

So Much Love

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The amount of love I have been feeling for my baby, err toddler, is out of this world. Seriously, the dopamine must be pumping through my veins, as I feel euphoric a lot of times just cuddling with him. Gosh that feeling is amazing, it’s overwhelming at times, it’s like the feeling when you first fall in love and it feels so very warm, decadent, inviting, encompassing, and so very dreamy. I feel all of this and so much more when we are just cuddling on the chair. By cuddling, I really mean that he is sitting on my lap and I have one leg crossed so that I am holding him into place, and he lounges back onto me, essentially I am a cushy chair to him, and I happily oblige!

Interestingly this also corresponds with the recent notice that I can tell he is understanding me AND that he has a response for sure to what I am saying about what I am saying. It’s different than before, it’s like a click has happened in his head, and between us, and it’s so nice. He still grunts a lot and makes sounds but he does have a few words that he says that I know he knows what they mean, like when he says ahnana, for banana when he sees it. He also says dada and knows that is his dad now. He says mama, but certainly not as much as I would like for him to! 🙂

Also he has THE SWEETEST smile there ever was. I know I am biased because I am his mum, but for real, he does. He plays peek-a-boo with you, he shines that big beautiful smile where his entire face and being lights up, it is so precious. He garners the attention in a really subtle way where everyone just gives it to him and enjoys it too. It’s so sweet and certainly not look-at-me, over-the-top at all, he has a nice gentle way about him.

I just adore this baby, this little person, this unique being that I am blessed to be with on this life journey. How lucky did I get in life that I get to have this sweet boy AND an amazing husband. My cup runneth over and it’s wonderful.