Body

Coming into my own beauty

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Something has been happening lately. I’ve been much more comfortable and proud of my own unique look. I am a beautiful woman. I have features that are uniquely mine and that help me stand out from the crowd. I am celebrating these now and don’t have the feeling to look like the best version of the acceptable social standard like I did when I was younger and that feels very refreshing. When I wash my face at night and am getting ready for bed in my bedtime routine, I feel so beautiful and it feels incredible. I go to sleep feeling that way and I wake up feeling that way, it’s really quite a nice shift and feels great.

It wasn’t always like this. It has taken me a while to realise that even subconsciously I had this image of what was the most popular way of looking and since my natural looks are similar, I just did the extra work to make myself look like this image. I don’t feel like that now. I am embracing the fine lines and wrinkles developing on my face, I am embracing the shape of my nose and the petite chin I have, I am embracing the beauty of my natural lips and their generous shape, I am embracing the curves of my body like never before, and it all feels so very good. I’m even embracing the unique, maybe not so unique, physical aspect of my toes where two of them, the second and third toe, are relatively the same length, they are mine, they are my beautiful toes. All of this feels great. I’m also realising how much better I like the natural volume and wave to my hair, I do accentuate it a bit, but nothing crazy, and I just love how it feels.

Overall, I’m just feeling more comfortable, confident, and at home in my own body, and it feels fantastic.

Thoughts on being unwell

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Lately I’ve been having some issues that seem to be pointing to the large cyst that is on one of my ovaries. The combination of major bloating, loss of appetite, tiredness, abdominal pain, and general fear and stress about this has been a lot to handle. It’s been two and a half weeks straight of this and honestly it’s really wearing me down. I’m tired.

It’s so strange that my mind automatically goes to worst case scenario. In the Emergency Department they thought it was appendicitis at first, then another doctor on call there happened to be a gynaecologist and was tipped by the symptoms thinking it could be an ovarian cyst. It makes me cry thinking about it, but I’m lucky she was on duty that day and the week after when she called me to talk to me about the results of my ultrasound and what I needed to do next. I’m also lucky that I have a GP in our rural town who gives a damn and has helped me follow up with this. I have seen a GP here and they are so blase about everything and all the gynos here are booked out, with a possibility to be squeezed in a few months from now. Again that good rural GP has come through and secured me an appointment with the best gyno around in just a few days. I am so thankful and scared.

I am thankful because I can finally get some answers and not keep living with this pain and discomfort. It’s really challenging to be an energetic mum to a two year old when I feel like this. It’s really challenging emotionally as well, and I’ve been struggling with it. Sometimes I think I may need to get some antidepressants or something because my mind really does go to worst case scenario so quickly and I seem to get drowned in that feeling pretty easily. I’m not sure if it’s somehow still all triggered and tied in with my undiagnosed PTSD after having my son, or the fact that my father was diagnosed with cancer and died within one month, just last year, but it’s intense. So if physically I am having it hard, emotionally I am having it really hard.

I have such a fear of dying. I recently heard the thought that death gives life meaning, and although that can bring some comfort, overall, it still makes me question to myself “have I done enough” and this makes me sad. It makes me sad to think about all of the life I have not lived yet. It makes me sad to think about all of the experiences I have not shared with my husband and child yet. It makes me feel like I am going to miss out so much. This is a slippery slope to go on and seriously my mind just slides right in. I have to be careful.

So how do I overcome this? How do I overcome this feeling of helplessness while feeling so worn down? Usually I would say to a friend if they sought my help, I would tell them the following: Take time to feel your feelings. Then find every way possible to laugh. Find the positives that way. Eat really well. Groom really well. Wear nice clothes, wear makeup and perfume or whatever makes you feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror. Be good to yourself. Be easy on yourself, and trust that everything is happening as it ought to. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. Do what makes you feel the best. Do what brings you joy. Create, create, create. Focus on the love, the joy, the goodness happening right now.

Walking Feels Good

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Walking gets the energy flowing and it feels good. When I take a walk, even just around the block in our neighbourhood, I feel a shift. I also tend to meditate while I walk, which means that I focus on my body, my breath, the immediate things around me, and it really helps to connect me and get me out of my own head.

Perhaps being cooped up all weekend long in the rain made me even more grateful for the walk today, but it certainly reminded me that I ought to not take the effects for granted, and incorporate it as a daily habit for my own body and mental health.

Body Issues

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I don’t know if I have written about this recently, but I am still amazed at how many women that are my age come out saying that they have hated their bodies, or really had serious body issues. I had a friend at Uni when I was in the sorority who would barf at the end of the night and I tried it with her a couple of times, but I really hate puking. I did it just because I was up for trying it out, not because I hated my body. I had a lot of other issues growing up, but being ashamed or feeling weird about my body was never one of them. Maybe if I really think about it, I was a bit self conscious about my feet because they grew in first and in 4th grade one of the twins used to say I had Ronald McDonald feet, but I then grew into them. Then I did have a thing where I wanted to have a nose job when I was in high school, but I think it was mostly because it was kind of accepted to want that, I am quite happy with my nose actually. I still do want to get Invisalign but to me that is just light cosmetic stuff, braces are normal, and I’d like to just straighten my teeth up a bit. I’m sure I could start looking for things to point out or name that I could improve, but overall, I have a very healthy sense of self and a positive body image. I am lucky. Apparently I am a minority it seems.

I know that the magazine and media culture is really harsh. I just happen to be lucky growing up in America and looked more or less like the people on the tv. I am tall, relatively thin, nice breasts, my body has a nice proportion to it, I have naturally blonde hair, a pleasant happy looking face, it was all luck of the draw and I am thankful. So very thankful. I obviously had other things to work on in this lifetime beyond my body. Granted, I still do take care of it, I have naturally been someone who gravitates to eating healthier and fresher. I also don’t normally overeat, and I do move my body. So all things considered, my body is good to me and I am good to my body. 🙂

Back to this thing about women with the body issues and those who have come through it, it’s hard for me to actually imagine what that is really like. I have never hated myself. I may have wished that I had a different family, or that the place I lived was better, or the clothes I wore were of better quality, but all of that was external, it wasn’t an internal battle against myself. Now that I’m an adult, I get to choose all of those external things and I have chosen very well, I even created my own new family whom I absolutely adore and love. My issues were always external, all things I could change, all things that if I worked on them, would indeed change and get better. So for me to think about what that internal battle like that must have been like or is like for women who have serious body issues, I really can’t relate and I want to.

I guess part of it is that I feel like I can relate to so many different people, from various walks of life, because I have lived such a diverse and rich life so far. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and find some common ground. If the topic comes to body issues, I just listen and stand there but can’t really contribute other than how hard that must have been. I’m glad I can’t relate actually, and maybe that’s the point of difference, it isn’t in that way that I will positively impact their lives.

Love My Body

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I just caught a glimpse of my shadow as I walked upstairs. It’s morning, there’s a dewy kind of autumn fog outside, but inside it’s cozy, the perfect temperature to get you going in the morning. I saw my beautiful shadow with it’s hourglass like structure, the indention of my waist, the soft curves of my hips. It caught me off guard, even my shadow is lovely.

This may sound narcissistic. It may sound self absorbed. Truth is that it’s taken me a total shake up of my view of myself to fully come to love my body in the way that I do. I wasn’t one of those girls that struggled with body image when they were in high school or in their early 20s. I have been blessed in life to be tall, blonde, and with very nice large breasts. I am lucky, and it truly has been luck of the draw. I didn’t develop hips until I was in my mid-20s and now after having a child and being in my mid 30s, they are nicely filled out. How lovely to have curves.

When I see my reflection in the mirror I think good thoughts, I look at my caesarian scar and although it has never properly healed, I look at it with love. I see my body as a whole through eyes of love and that feels great.

How to get to this stage I guess could be the question. How to get to a point where you love your body and cherish it in such ways? Does it need to take one, err two, near death experiences to create this kind of loving awareness? Does it need to take hundreds and hundreds of hours of meditation to come to a state where love is the lens in which one looks through? Do you have to go through partners who didn’t appreciate your body and to partners who just about worshiped it in order to feel a sense of pride in your own appearance? Do you have to have your body in shambles and then rebuild it to understand the importance of maintaining your health and wellbeing which directly affects the way your body looks and feels?

If I knew how to pinpoint how to love and appreciate your body in a direct that would be helpful. However, when looking at my own life, it’s as always, a myriad of rich experiences that have cultivated this sense of self and again, I am lucky. I love you body. Thank you for everything.