Emotion

Death at 60

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What if 60 is the limit.
What if 60 is when the time is up.

What if I only have another 23 years left?

Another 20 years?

That isn’t much.

Patterns show me that most people don’t make it past 60.

If they do, then usually they seem to make it for a lot longer.

I want to be of healthy body and mind well into my 100s.

Is this a false belief? Is this overly optimistic? Is this based on any actual evidence?

I don’t want to die at 60. I don’t want to die at 70, I don’t want to die in another 20 or 30 years.

One of my biggest fears is that I won’t be able to experience and live all the different lives that I want to in my lifetime here on earth. It’s always scared me. I can detach from it and realise that death is such a natural part of the human existence, but it doesn’t stop me from deep down inside feeling terrified of it.

I’ve heard that’s what separates humans from other animals, is that we know we die. What if that in itself is a lie too, it’s only what we think we know. How do we know any of it? This is such a dangerous and exhausting spiral to go down, and I don’t want to.

I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I may only have another 20 years left and it is about to make me cry. I can focus on all the good things. In fact, this feeling emerged when I was thinking about all of the good things in my life last night. I was looking at my dear little son and feeling so much love for him, and I saw my husband and felt so much love, I thought about my incredible day with my mother’s group and my cup felt like it was overflowing, and I loved that feeling, I love that feeling. So why on earth is this dark shadow now creeping up, this shadow that makes me want to believe that I only have so many more years to live. I mean, I know it’s true. I know death is inevitable, but it’s not going to happen tomorrow, it’s not going to happen tonight. Honestly I really don’t know if any of that is true, I only know about right now.

Does it help writing it out? Do I feel like I’ve released some of the pressure? Yes. Can I take a deeper breath because I’ve let it out? Yes.

I want to live. I want to experience more life in my life. I have so much more to give, love, experience, absorb, learn, dance with. I need more time.

Self Esteem

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I’ve come to realise that over the past two or more years, almost three really, I have had a huge blow to my self-esteem. There have been highs of course and a lot of really incredibly rich experiences, none of which I would take back. However, the blows to my self-esteem have been a lot actually. Not being able to find a job, even a menial job after graduating was really challenging, and it seemed mostly to revolve around me not having Permanent Residency, but it was hard. There was a constant struggle with some renters at the farm which caused so much stress and a feeling of frustration and not being able to just get other people to do the right thing like take care of the animals. We had a lovely celebration for our wedding amidst it all, but were dealing with this other stuff before the wedding, during the honeymoon and afterwards. The there was the not-so-easy pregnancy. I shouldnt’ even sugar coat it, it was a very complicated pregnancy. It was like my body wasn’t cooperating with me. Then there was the crazy flatmates that totally lied to us and then left without ever paying the money they owed and finding out that they had betrayed us by speaking so poorly about us to our other flatmates who we are actually still friends with these years later. That was hard to deal with especially while pregnant. Then the craziness of being in the hospital for  the weeks leading up to my son’s birth, having to take pain killers, having to some how accept whatever outcomes because my body wasn’t coping and the baby was in jeopardy. Then the actual emergency delivery which was so very traumatic. Followed by the five weeks of hell in the NICU going back and forth not knowing what to do all the while having to leave my new son at the hospital. Not being able to take care of him, or myself at that stage. Then the constant looming feeling of death due to a dislodged blood clot and the twice daily self harm I had to do by way of injections of blood thinners. This was al wearing me down something fierce. Then having a baby, a new baby at home and not knowing what to do and having hardly any support with my husband working big 12 hour shifts, and having zero family support here in the city, and not knowing anyone. I felt so alone and helpless and incapable. Even now still not knowing about if I have permanent residency, waiting for over two years after being told that it would go right through in six months by the immigration department, and it clearly not happening that way. Every once in a while I still look through jobs and am always hung up on the lack of having PR. It sucks. Then all the time wasted with the banks and talking about buying the other part of the farm land for years now and still not being in a position to actually do it and feeling like I just can’t get it together to make it happen.  Also the huge amount of money wasted with the program that I signed up for to build my own business as a way to get around having PR, and feeling like they didn’t have the right support in place to help me and me not knowing how to help myself all amidst the craziness of everything going on at the farm and in my body and then as a new mum. And as of late some unknown illness that was pointing to a cyst on my ovary that may or may not have burst and who the hell knows why the ovarian tumour marker really is elevated, it’s all so unknown. and somehow I need to be okay with this. And all the while knowing that my own dad died last year within a month of being diagnosed with cancer, jesus, it’s been a rough last couple of years. It’s been so crazy. I need a win.

Sometimes, I feel like I can only express myself so much, like I’ve just been beaten down and I don’t like that feeling. I play nicely, I am in an area of Sydney where I feel like I need to and it’s in part for companionship but mostly because I need them or I have needed them to help me and support me through this phase of becoming a parent.

I need a win in a major way. I keep having this strong desire to have my own place, our own house that we own so that I can have a sense of permanency, a sense of ownership, and a sense of pride almost. It’s like I need to grab onto the part of making a home so that I can fulfil this sense of feeling incapable, or helpless, or just not able to do what I need to do.

I am not always so blue about this and about what I’ve struggled with, but I really have struggled in the past stretch of time, more than I readily like to admit. I also got a degree in a field that I am both fascinated and horrified by, and don’t want to actually work in it. I feel like my plans are always changing yet nothing really changes. That’s not actually true though, things have been changing, but not at a pace that I want, and I need to be okay with this.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I need to try some antidepressants, and I know that isn’t really the answer, the answer is adjusting my life so that I don’t feel like this. I am not sure exactly how to do that right now, as a mum, as a wife, where I am. I just know how to make the smaller changes, so I do. My biological clock is still ticking and I’m so overtly aware of it it makes me question like every choice right now as well. Do we make another baby, do I go back to school, what do I do? I feel like there are so many choices, so many options, and at the same time, I feel a bit stuck, a big weighted down, a big heavy in it all.

A Pivotal Moment

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The last time I had a scare in the feminine area, I had some precancerous cells taken off of my cervix. This was enough to scare the hell out of me and enough to light a major fire under my bum to change my life. I had been working for a corporation for about nine years at the time and at that stage I was the Accounting Manager for our operation at the Grand Canyon, and wasn’t really enjoying it all that much. I found that just because you are relatively good at something doesn’t mean that’s what you are meant to be doing. I had also recently left a long term relationship with a person who I should have stopped dating six months into it, but I was young, naive, and really he was emotionally abusive, specifically with mind games and I had a hard time navigating out of it, until right before I got the call about my very abnormal pap smear.

I was twenty six just made the cut-off age for the Gardasil vaccine to prevent anything else like that happening down there for me, I was living on my own, dating various guys one after another in a very short time frame, and was really lost. Eventually came this over the top very passionate Brazilian man into my life and I just needed everything about that at the time. I ended up resigning from my job and gave away everything I owned and moved to Brazil.

This crazy time prompted a total life change. A complete jumping of timelines into a complete different path and universe. I am so thankful that it happened and I did what I did because I am here now with this beautiful son and husband that I have.

So my mind goes into thoughts about what is going on in my life, and what needs to change because something major needs to shift externally as well. I am unwell in my body for some reason, yes it can just be a random event that is happening in my body, but I do strongly believe that my mind and personal well being really does have an impact on my health. It will be essential for me to create an environment that is more aligned with my values and life. I know this. I know this means not being in the suburbs even though I have a great group of friends from my mum and bub group.

I am open to change. I am specifically open to positive change that is beneficial for myself and my loved ones.

Thoughts on being unwell

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Lately I’ve been having some issues that seem to be pointing to the large cyst that is on one of my ovaries. The combination of major bloating, loss of appetite, tiredness, abdominal pain, and general fear and stress about this has been a lot to handle. It’s been two and a half weeks straight of this and honestly it’s really wearing me down. I’m tired.

It’s so strange that my mind automatically goes to worst case scenario. In the Emergency Department they thought it was appendicitis at first, then another doctor on call there happened to be a gynaecologist and was tipped by the symptoms thinking it could be an ovarian cyst. It makes me cry thinking about it, but I’m lucky she was on duty that day and the week after when she called me to talk to me about the results of my ultrasound and what I needed to do next. I’m also lucky that I have a GP in our rural town who gives a damn and has helped me follow up with this. I have seen a GP here and they are so blase about everything and all the gynos here are booked out, with a possibility to be squeezed in a few months from now. Again that good rural GP has come through and secured me an appointment with the best gyno around in just a few days. I am so thankful and scared.

I am thankful because I can finally get some answers and not keep living with this pain and discomfort. It’s really challenging to be an energetic mum to a two year old when I feel like this. It’s really challenging emotionally as well, and I’ve been struggling with it. Sometimes I think I may need to get some antidepressants or something because my mind really does go to worst case scenario so quickly and I seem to get drowned in that feeling pretty easily. I’m not sure if it’s somehow still all triggered and tied in with my undiagnosed PTSD after having my son, or the fact that my father was diagnosed with cancer and died within one month, just last year, but it’s intense. So if physically I am having it hard, emotionally I am having it really hard.

I have such a fear of dying. I recently heard the thought that death gives life meaning, and although that can bring some comfort, overall, it still makes me question to myself “have I done enough” and this makes me sad. It makes me sad to think about all of the life I have not lived yet. It makes me sad to think about all of the experiences I have not shared with my husband and child yet. It makes me feel like I am going to miss out so much. This is a slippery slope to go on and seriously my mind just slides right in. I have to be careful.

So how do I overcome this? How do I overcome this feeling of helplessness while feeling so worn down? Usually I would say to a friend if they sought my help, I would tell them the following: Take time to feel your feelings. Then find every way possible to laugh. Find the positives that way. Eat really well. Groom really well. Wear nice clothes, wear makeup and perfume or whatever makes you feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror. Be good to yourself. Be easy on yourself, and trust that everything is happening as it ought to. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. Do what makes you feel the best. Do what brings you joy. Create, create, create. Focus on the love, the joy, the goodness happening right now.

Love Still Shines Through Immigration Woes

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“Can you please sign this Stat Dec for immigration for us verifying our relationship.” It’s the strangest thing to have to go outside of my own relationship to have justification that it exists and is viable and continuing. It’s almost like with immigration that you are guilty until proven innocent and there isn’t anything I can do about it. They just assume that the relationship is not genuine and make you go through so many hoops, years, and money, to finally get the stamp of approval to stay. It’s a heartless process for something that is supposed to be about love, about partnership, about sharing cultures and values.

This process of applying for Permanent Residency has been heart wrenching for me. It doesn’t matter that I am married to an amazing man. It doesn’t matter that we have a child together, who was born here. It doesn’t matter that we have been in a relationship for over 5 years now. At this stage, I can still be asked to leave at any time, even though I do have a current Partner Visa. It sucks. It’s so hard to not have that base security. It’s so hard to always feel on edge about whether or not you might have to leave the life you have built.

Most recently I’ve had to ask friends, some for the second time, to bear witness to my relationship. Not only that but I need them to then  get it certified and prove that they are a citizen themselves or at least have PR. It’s a hassle, it’s all a hassle. The thing is that if it’s only me having to be the one going through this hellacious process, that’s one thing, but it’s not just me. It has to extend to family on both sides, it has to extend to people who know us both. It’s such an invasive process of asking for someone else’s okay about the relationship that normally wouldn’t be any of their business. Not only that but normal relationship rules don’t even apply to my husband and I. Since I was not born here, and I am in the process of immigrating, we have to go through so much more effort, and more authority based things than normal couples would even go through, like having a joint bank account, or both of our names being on the lease, or doing either of those two things literally the day that you decided to have an exclusive relationship. No one does that. Not normal couples. So to then be judged as a normal couple when our standards are already so much higher, is crazy, and redundant to me.

A positive in this process, is that I have gotten back some of the statutory declarations and they have been heart warming. Where friends have written how they can see the love between David and I and that we try to make everyone else’s lives happy. This makes me cry even writing it. So a strange twisted positive is, that I actually get to have feedback from friends about how I operate in the world, and how my husband and I as a family operate in the world. That isn’t something you’d normally get, and it’s endearing. It has shown me that I really do extend my love to those around me, that my husband and I really do show loving affection for one another and that we are a connected family unit. I always want to do my best to help improve the world and share love, and oddly, in this process, that has been confirmed.

Now, I’d just like to have my PR granted and move on to citizenship and be done with all of this. In the end we all want to be loved, and I know that loving myself and loving others, is the way that it circulates around. Even with having this heavy burden of loving someone foreign and wanting to have a family who gets to live and have all the same rights as everyone else, it still shines through, my love, our love still shines through.

Everything Matters

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The stance “Everything Matters” and “Nothing Matters” are actually a part of the same polarity. They are each the extreme end on the spectrum of what matters.

After sitting days on end in silent meditation I had come to the conclusion that nothing really mattered in my mind. However, even though in my mind I thought that, I still strove to do my very best in my interactions, I began an open and honest relationship with myself about my emotions, and started really taking better care of my body of what I consumed.

So if the spectrum of nothing matters and everything matters are on the same line, then I can in turn think about the fact that everything matters, as I do live with the underlying idea that indeed, everything that I do, think, say, feel, matters. For some reason though in my mind I defaulted to “nothing matters” even though my actions showed that “everything matters”.

Now that this thought has arisen in my reality again, I am choosing consciously to also align my mind with the thought that I have been practicing that Everything Matters. Everything I do matters. Everything I say matters. Everything I think matters. Everything I feel matters. Everything I am matters. Everything matters. This is how I change the world.

Entertainment Holds Emotional Space

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I love how entertainment in pretty much all it’s guises holds space for feeling emotions that aren’t always easy to hold, or for feelings that you want more of. I have been grieving a bit of my old life where I was completely a stay at home mum and the primary carer of my son. It’s been small steps but nonetheless I can feel the heaviness of it all. Along with that I heard some information about myself and my parents from when I was very small which just confirmed that my parents always had another agenda other than being parents, and it hurt me. The combination of all of this has created a very heavy heart. I have cried, I have been a bit distraught. I have sought out music to soothe, and movies to cry along with.

Most recently I have found that the movie Me Before You just makes me bawl, I mean full on sobbing, chin quivering kind of crying. It follows a storyline of a pretty happy go lucky guy who then becomes a paraplegic from the neck down who then gets a carer who wants to convince him not to end his life in six months which is his plan. It’s sad. I mean it’s a really sad story. A good guy who gets hit by a motorcycle while he’s walking around town and his life is changed forever. I know how things can change in an instant and I’m thankful consistently that in my head on collision, I came out relatively unscathed, with just a scar across my face to show of it physically. This poor guy is in pain and doesn’t accept that this is his new life, and I get that, I totally get that and there isn’t a way for him to get better, it’s irreversible. Then comes this lovely, quirky carer who brings another layer of emotion and in the end he still makes his decision. She is so sad that he would choose euthanasia, but I understand his part as well. He talks about how he will never be able to give her the life she deserves, and that he never wants her to ever have a regret that she chose a life caring for him like that. In the end he reminds her via a letter he wrote before, that when she is ever sad, to live well, and just live. Oh it’s so sad and it ends with a feeling of the importance of living life fully right now.

I feel like I have used this movie as a safe space for me to really experience the deep emotions that are surrounding my own life transitions right now. I can feel that I need to let it out, and I really appreciate that I have the option of using media to help me let this go.

From my own experience with grief, after my father passed away last year, I came to realise that all of my emotions are like their own little wells. That each well has a spring and maybe another little pool of water. At first it’s just the top of the spring that is experienced, but as the emotion goes deeper it’s like I come to one of the pools, but if I keep going, I notice that all of the memories where I have experienced that feeling, all seem to be held in that bottom well, that super deep space within myself. It’s almost by accessing one of those memories I can then use that to dive deeper into that feeling and explore more. It’s actually really fascinating.

So by having a safe guided experience, that is totally normal in society, like sitting in the dark watching something like a dream on the big screen while we feel everything, I am allowed to fully express my emotions there. I can scream if I feel scared, I can cover my eyes and my ears, I can laugh a hearty laugh with my head tiled back, I can cry and cry like a big baby, and it’s all so very okay.

The Waiting Place

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I fear that I may have found myself in the waiting place. Not intentionally, but I think it’s where I am. Earlier I was talking to my husband and said that I can just feel like this next chapter is going to be the one where I really break out from where I am personally now, professionally now, and move forward in that area. As I said this I realised how I was unintentionally putting a “grass is greener” lens on the next phase, and ALSO putting myself in the waiting place! How could I have done that!

So whenever I realise that I am feeling weird about a place or a situation that I’m in, I do my very best to do whatever I can to appreciate it and show gratitude because those feelings, those emotions ripple into so many different areas of my life, as they are mental habits that I make and are patterns that make up me. So I am in a stage where I need to be appreciative and grateful for living in Western Sydney and along with that, all of the other aspects of my life. So…

I am grateful that I completed my Bachelor’s of Business Administration and Marketing because I’m drawn to that subject matter and it was a long standing goal that I have now achieved.
I am grateful that I got married to my loving husband, who happened to have accepted a job in Western Sydney because he is my love and I’ll go wherever he goes.
I am grateful that we chose to have a baby and that our lives have been forever changed with his blessed presence.
I am grateful that I chose to live with him and bub here in Western Sydney, because being a family is important to me, and raising our son together is essential for a family life in my eyes. I am also grateful for living in Western Sydney because I have met a great group of women who are also first time mums and we have all grown together.
I am grateful that I have devoted the time to grow and develop with bub. I am grateful that I get to experience the all the special moments with him because he is only this age once, and I am only this age, at this stage of my life, once. I am grateful that I slowed my career path down a bit while relatively continuing to keep up to date with blogs and books.

Now is the time where I need to keep writing, keep sharing, keep expressing myself. Right here, right now is where I will do it all. Period. That’s it.

Emotional Hangover

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My head hurts, my eyes hurt, I feel withdrawn, slightly manic almost going from a momentary high to back down into the wallowing blah that is. It’s hard having an emotional hangover. They can last for days, up to a week. For some people they get so used to being in that emotional hangover state that it consumes their life and months go by, even years before they really bounce back. I guess I’m lucky. I have a high tolerance because I’ve gone through a lot of unnecessary crap in my life. I guess that make me lucky in some regards, I know it passes, it always does.

The emotional hangover can be caused by a number of things. It doesn’t have to be solely around losing a loved one, or breaking up. It can be not getting the recognition for a job well done after you spent months working on it. It can be not getting thing you’ve been dedicating time and energy into only to be turned down, not given the chance, or just ignored all together. It can be trauma as well like after having a baby, or having a car accident, falling and breaking a bone, it can all cause this feeling. It’s almost like life gets put slightly on hold so that you can reconcile what has happened and then move forward.

Some positive points about an emotional hangover include learning how to look after and love yourself. This is only if you have worked on it. The easy way is to indulge in some escapism with drinking too much, getting high, binging on Netflix, overeating or fantasising about the old glory days. None of this really helps, but it seems to, at least momentarily, and when you are feeling low, anything that makes you feel even a little bit better seems like a great option, at the time.

As I’ve gotten older, and hopefully wiser, I’ve learned that I need to do the opposite of the negative indulgence. I really need to feel the feelings before I can let it pass, and then I focus on me. What really cures the emotional hangover is a whole lot of self love, self nurturing, and self compassion. This includes getting some body work done such as a massage, or acupuncture. There are many other options, but for me, this really helps get everything back in order. I know I need to eat well, as in healthy good foods that make me feel nourished. I normally don’t eat meat, but when I am feeling like I need something extra, I don’t even hesitate getting some salmon or some kind of beef, it just helps everything in that moment. Moving my body is a key upper as well. It can be as simple as taking a walk around the neighbourhood, or doing the stairs more. I also have a sauna at home, so letting my body sweat a bit definitely helps get it all moving which helps me move through the emotional hangover. I also find that if I groom myself, even if it’s a DIY mani/pedi, and a DIY facial and DIY hair mask, it all makes a world of difference. I also make a point of putting on makeup because when I look in the mirror I see a more perky version of myself and it holds space for me to move back into that, even if I don’t feel that way right then.

Sex can be a great aid for the emotional hangover. Orgasms and releasing in that way specifically helps to reduce stress in a major way. This can even be effective without a partner but oh boy it’s so much nicer when it’s with the one you love.

Expressing the feelings or the even what happened in a factual way can be helpful. Writing it out, painting it, speaking it all helps. It can be very harmful to keep it all in, just be sure not to hurt anyone’s feelings when you do share. Also taking responsibility for your own feelings is essential. Working out how to avoid another emotional hangover is also awesome if you can do that too.

Sometimes, in life, you just have to understand that things will go the way they do. Control is often out of your hands, and all you can really do is manage your own self, your own reactions, and seek help if you need it. Use every experience as an opportunity to grow more into who you really are, to learn what you can from it, and move on.

The well of emotion

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So I’ve come to realise that every time I experience a really strong emotion, it’s like it activates a deeper well within me that houses that same emotion. I felt this when I was grieving over my father, it was like a wave of all the grief I have ever felt came rushing in, not just for my father.

Most recently, the well of emotion has been about frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I have that feeling about not being able to save the farm and I currently do not have the resources to buy the property to help with everything, and I must accept this, however, the feeling of limitation is so very strong. I noticed that it’s the same helpless feeling I had after having my baby and he was in the NICU. I couldn’t do anything about it, I just had to focus on healing myself, and trust that everything was going to be okay, and I know that it did end up that way as he is 18 months old now and flourishing. It’s that same feeling of limitation that I have felt about not getting my permanent residency after all this time. It’s the same feeling of limitation and frustration of having to be in the hospital prior to bub arriving and having to just surrender to taking medication because I was in so much pain. It’s all the same feeling that things are out of my control and it causes tremendous frustration.

Since I know this is all the same emotion, and I know I am experiencing this emotion, I am not the emotion, but I have the emotion, yet for some reason I still have a hard time rising above it all. My higher self knows that it shall pass and to trust the process, yet my human self has been getting all worked up and now feels rather emotionally raw.

If all emotions spring up from a well that has been created before them, then all emotions likely boil down to just a handful, even though the streams may seem like they are different, they all come from the same source. Now how can I use this information to help myself. Also how can I use this information to help others as well? How can I make it clear that it’s just a pattern, a well of emotions and it’s okay to have them, just realise that I am experiencing them not that I am them.