Finding Me

Stay at Home Mum is Okay

Posted on by admin

A funny and strange thing is just coming to surface and I’m going to try my best to tease it out and allow it to flow here in black and white. I think I bought into the idea of how hard it was to be a stay at home mum because I was doing it myself and I wanted to prove that it should be valued and that in order to be valued without being paid with money, that it had to be hard. It wouldn’t seem fair if it were fun and you were just staying home with your baby while your husband goes out and works his butt off so you can be at home frolicking with your child. It’s like if it’s hard, then it’s okay to justify the stay at home mum role. However, if it’s something that you actually enjoy and get into the flow and find your rhythm that becomes a new version of easy for you, then some how that isn’t okay. It’s like I’ve been trying to justify me being home by viewing it and sharing with others how hard it has been. Granted, it has been very very challenging, and definitely harder than anything else I have ever done, especially for this long. There was a turning point though, where I really was feeding into a loop that wasn’t so healthy while I was dealing with my own post traumatic symptoms after having a baby, which definitely include the role change and not feeling useful, which was compounded by not being able to provide breastmilk and not being as physically capable as I had been, so many things were tied up in that really.

I’ve come to it now that it’s mostly quite enjoyable, I really do enjoy hanging out, playing and enjoying time with my soon to be two year old. He’s really pleasant, he’s smart, he really brings out all of my emotions and I get to grow in ways that I haven’t before, all through my relationship with him. It’s really awesome actually. I do feel guilty that I am not providing financial income to my family, but I know that I am providing way more in terms of how my son will be in the world and how we will all be affected because of that.

So no more leading on to how hard it is, it only makes it harder. I’m now going to focus on the happy bits more, the fun and joyful parts of this role I am in. It’s okay to enjoy it. There are hard parts too, all the time. However, It’s such a privilege that I even get to do this, I’m now changing the page to where I look at it through eyes of playfulness, love, and joy.

The Waiting Place

Posted on by admin

I fear that I may have found myself in the waiting place. Not intentionally, but I think it’s where I am. Earlier I was talking to my husband and said that I can just feel like this next chapter is going to be the one where I really break out from where I am personally now, professionally now, and move forward in that area. As I said this I realised how I was unintentionally putting a “grass is greener” lens on the next phase, and ALSO putting myself in the waiting place! How could I have done that!

So whenever I realise that I am feeling weird about a place or a situation that I’m in, I do my very best to do whatever I can to appreciate it and show gratitude because those feelings, those emotions ripple into so many different areas of my life, as they are mental habits that I make and are patterns that make up me. So I am in a stage where I need to be appreciative and grateful for living in Western Sydney and along with that, all of the other aspects of my life. So…

I am grateful that I completed my Bachelor’s of Business Administration and Marketing because I’m drawn to that subject matter and it was a long standing goal that I have now achieved.
I am grateful that I got married to my loving husband, who happened to have accepted a job in Western Sydney because he is my love and I’ll go wherever he goes.
I am grateful that we chose to have a baby and that our lives have been forever changed with his blessed presence.
I am grateful that I chose to live with him and bub here in Western Sydney, because being a family is important to me, and raising our son together is essential for a family life in my eyes. I am also grateful for living in Western Sydney because I have met a great group of women who are also first time mums and we have all grown together.
I am grateful that I have devoted the time to grow and develop with bub. I am grateful that I get to experience the all the special moments with him because he is only this age once, and I am only this age, at this stage of my life, once. I am grateful that I slowed my career path down a bit while relatively continuing to keep up to date with blogs and books.

Now is the time where I need to keep writing, keep sharing, keep expressing myself. Right here, right now is where I will do it all. Period. That’s it.

Giving Up Alcohol

Posted on by admin

I stopped drinking alcohol some time in late 2010/early 2011. I had was living in Australia, I was recovering from a head-on collision, I was meditating a lot, and just didn’t see that it had a place in my life anymore. I also valued having the clarity of mind and body over the feeling of escapism that happens when taking alcohol.

It is a big difference when you go out to places where people drink alcohol, and I try my best to avoid them. I don’t fancy hanging out in pubs, or in venues where people get drunk. Quite frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I can tell that they are under the influence and not their normal selves and it freaks me out a bit. There is only one exception to this and it’s when my husband has a glass of wine every three or four months and he gets this very relaxed vibe and then goes to sleep. I think it’s kind of cute and it really doesn’t happen often, so I just accept and enjoy it.

Choosing to stop drinking alcohol is not as big of a deal though if you start doing other things. I started doing other things that didn’t involve alcohol. I started getting involved with the theatre and although they definitely do drink in the theatre, they don’t while preforming and usually don’t while rehearsing, so that was a good option. I also started to be a part of a kirtan event in the local town and started to do other things that engaged me in ways that were better when sober. I guess that is the key, doing the things that are better sober, then doing those more. haha. That sounds funny. I’ll see if I can refine that.

The key to stopping alcohol and not feeling like a social outcast, is to go with the evolution that you are in, and find new social scenes to be a part of where being sober is normal. This is the key. Then it’s not weird. You may outgrow friends, scenes, venues, and your old self, but there is always another tribe, another version of you that is waiting with open arms.

Cheers!

Resistance and Steven Pressfield

Posted on by admin

In “The War of Art” Steven Pressfield discusses Resistance with a capital R as the nemesis to actually doing and creating the work you are meant to create. I’m about half way through the book, which I mostly read after bub has gone to bed at night, or in the precious private moments I have in the bathroom. Funny that I would take a book that will obviously have a profound impact about how I create, into the loo. I have to laugh about this.

If I look at the bathroom as a metaphor, it is the place of letting go of what is no longer needed. How amazingly appropriate is it that I would be reading a book about overcoming, moving past, letting go of the resistance, the constipation, the delay of the next stage, in the bathroom, specifically on the toilet. This is incredibly amusing to me. It fits my life so well too.

He talks about how we will enlist people in our lives who are living out our unfulfilled lives as a way to not do the work ourselves. As I spoke to a dear friend of mine last night, she was telling me about a book she is writing along with the short stories she has submitted for recognition and money. She is taking a self publishing course, and has a writing coach. I could hear her enthusiasm and I felt happy that she was doing this, and I have full faith that he will do well with this. She is dedicated to the cause, she gets in there, and is a highly ambitious person. Her partner is also a creative guy and both hold regular hours in jobs that are meaningful for them.

As I was taking in what she was telling me, I immediately realised that she was living out an unlived life of mine. One that I have kept secret more or less, in the way that I don’t go about saying “I’m a writer” and “I’m writing a book”. Although when I returned from living in Brazil, I did say just that, but partly because my ego was so hurt and I felt like I needed to have something to say that I did. Honestly I was writing a lot in the form of journal entries or blog posts, but it never fully eventuated. Oh boy that feeling sucks. When you’ve then told people you are doing something and then it doesn’t happen for whatever reason, or doesn’t happen as fast as anyone thinks it will. I would like to avoid that feeling as much as possible, so I don’t say things like that now. Instead I quietly keep it to myself.

So I didn’t mention to my friend that I have been regularly posting on my blog again. I didn’t mention again that it’s a goal of mine to publish work that matters to me and I hope that will positively influence people in the world. I didn’t mention any of this. I did have fear arise. I thought what if she writes about my own personal life, she knows so much and my life is so rich.

This makes me baulk at the idea now, its’ still could happen, but I don’t think she would jeopardise our friendship like that by telling my story from her lens, or at least I hope she wouldn’t’. It did however, spur fear into me. Fear is another form of Resistance. Fear stops us from succeeding even before beginning. Fear is the bedfellow of failure and I recognised it straight away. So what am I to do?

The natural competitiveness in me started to rise, I could feel it. I then thought what if I also start writing short stories and submitting them for recognition and money. Then I felt bad, because I only know of the idea because of her. That is also fear, that is fear of success before it even happens. I must move past this and recognise that it is again Resistance in the form of Fear.

Next the fire inside of me started to burn and said, WRITE MORE! Get your story out. Keep writing, continue to make this a habit just as I have my meditation practice, just as I have made it a habit to have a pot of tea with my husband in the morning. Create the habit.

The point of all this is that I can see Resistance in so many areas of my life, and now that I can identify it, I can and will do something about it. Steven Pressfield then goes on to say that if you hold your regular hours of writing, and your muse will show up there. I have found that if I wait until late at night, I am too tired, so I need to make it in the morning while my husband looks after bub. The thing is if I commit to saying I will do this every single day no matter what and something arises, then I will have more Resistance. So for now, I will just continue to commit to writing as of I have lately and let Resistance lose its’ power.

Love My Body

Posted on by admin

I just caught a glimpse of my shadow as I walked upstairs. It’s morning, there’s a dewy kind of autumn fog outside, but inside it’s cozy, the perfect temperature to get you going in the morning. I saw my beautiful shadow with it’s hourglass like structure, the indention of my waist, the soft curves of my hips. It caught me off guard, even my shadow is lovely.

This may sound narcissistic. It may sound self absorbed. Truth is that it’s taken me a total shake up of my view of myself to fully come to love my body in the way that I do. I wasn’t one of those girls that struggled with body image when they were in high school or in their early 20s. I have been blessed in life to be tall, blonde, and with very nice large breasts. I am lucky, and it truly has been luck of the draw. I didn’t develop hips until I was in my mid-20s and now after having a child and being in my mid 30s, they are nicely filled out. How lovely to have curves.

When I see my reflection in the mirror I think good thoughts, I look at my caesarian scar and although it has never properly healed, I look at it with love. I see my body as a whole through eyes of love and that feels great.

How to get to this stage I guess could be the question. How to get to a point where you love your body and cherish it in such ways? Does it need to take one, err two, near death experiences to create this kind of loving awareness? Does it need to take hundreds and hundreds of hours of meditation to come to a state where love is the lens in which one looks through? Do you have to go through partners who didn’t appreciate your body and to partners who just about worshiped it in order to feel a sense of pride in your own appearance? Do you have to have your body in shambles and then rebuild it to understand the importance of maintaining your health and wellbeing which directly affects the way your body looks and feels?

If I knew how to pinpoint how to love and appreciate your body in a direct that would be helpful. However, when looking at my own life, it’s as always, a myriad of rich experiences that have cultivated this sense of self and again, I am lucky. I love you body. Thank you for everything.

Share My Merits

Posted on by admin

Lately when I have been meditating I have been creating a focus specifically about acting on ways where I can share my merits with others. I am keen to contribute to the growth and the support of others so that they can grow in beneficial ways and in ways that I can help.

Throughout my life I have had the opportunity of massive growth, of personal reincarnation again and again, of reinventing myself, of being the phoenix that rises from the ashes, of being my own hero on my own hero’s journey time and again. All of these evolutions, all of these insights, lessons, and developed awareness is ripe for the process of using it to help others. Absolutely ripe. I want to, I will, I must help others be their best selves too. It’s a constant process and I know it intimately.

When I was a little girl I would always end my prayers with “and please help me be the best person I can possibly be.” Now that I am an adult I have internalised that and now add to help me share my merits with others. So it shall be.

Birthday Expectations

Posted on by admin

I was married on my birthday. Unusual, yes, but it’s true. Two of the biggest days of my life are on the same date, and on the same day of the week even.

When deciding on the day to get married, I really wanted it to be on an equinox or a solstice for the symbolic reason of change, of balance, and of the newness that comes with the changing of the seasons. My first choice was not my birthday however, my first choice was the spring equinox in the southern hemisphere in September, but due to my finals at Uni falling exactly amidst that timeframe, it was out. We chose to go with my birthday instead, which in the southern hemisphere is the autumnal equinox.

It was symbolic on many levels, of night and day being in balance, of my own personal rebirth, of this new life beginning on the day that I first took air in this body, of the commitment that it would no longer just be me alone in my journey. Along with this, the more practical thought was that it would be easy to remember, and would give reason for a bigger celebration because the two were merged into one.

It’s a funny thing when birthdays come around, and major holidays for that matter too. It’s like we’ve been preprogrammed, or have been advertised so much to expect a lot on these days, like a grand celebration must occur in order to have happiness in life. Almost due to this weird programming, I’ve bucked the trend and haven’t really celebrated major holidays or my birthday, not really, in quite a while. I wonder now if it’s also due to feeling like I didn’t want to be disappointed if I wasn’t able to afford a celebration that I would consider to be good. As much as I try my best not to compare, it is hard for me not to when everyone around also celebrates and the common question after is “so what did you get?”. This has always been weird for me anyway because I grew up in a family who didn’t have very many financial resources, so our holidays were always a bit slim on gifts, but we always had plenty of food, enough to invite others along who didn’t have someplace to go or something to eat.

So I wonder now, if I subconsciously wanted to have my birthday and wedding anniversary on the same date, to help me avoid feeling at a loss of what my expectations were or are. Perhaps due to my constant pushing back of it saying that I don’t really celebrate is a way to protect myself from feeling less than, of feeling unimportant, of feeling that I didn’t get what I wanted.

Sure, I can go and buy what I want for myself, and honestly I think that way about most things from day to day life, like buying myself flowers so that any additional flowers I get are just an added bonus. However, I feel like I want someone to fuss over me now, to feel special, to feel celebrated.

Perhaps this is why most of the time when my birthday rolls around I feel a bit of a loss, and kind of sad. I haven’t wanted to share my desires for being cared for extra specially on my birthday, and in turn, I haven’t been. If I truly did not care, I wouldn’t feel this uncomfortable feeling in my throat and tears wouldn’t be streaming down my face.

I pretty much forced my husband into taking our toddler and I on his work trip abroad because the days happened to fall over my birthday and our anniversary, even though we cannot actually afford this trip at the moment. The same trip where it’s already been said that this shouldn’t have happened and we are only a couple of days into it. I must find a way for myself to not feel like a burden. I feel like I’m having a pity party for myself right now.

I feel like I need to have my own money and the freedom to spend it. I need to have my own power. I need to have my own independence and not feel limited. I need to be celebrated, and to feel loved in a celebratory way.

As I move forward, I will celebrate. I normally say that any excuse for a celebration, and I’m in, and I’m going to now include holidays and birthdays too.

On the eve of my 36th birthday I feel like I am coming clean.

8 Hours a Day

Posted on by admin

8 Hours A Day

The only time I get

to play

to read

to cuddle

to laugh

to share meals

to learn

with my darling son.

He is 16 months old.

He sleeps

more or less

on average

16 hours in a 24 hour period.

 

With the thought of doing a job outside of the home, it’s almost like the decision has been made, almost in the same way that you know the answer before the coin drops and you find out if it’s heads or tails. I do not want to be away from my baby for 7 hours a day 4 days a week. I don’t want to see him in the morning and then not again until it’s dinner time then bath and bedtime. Just thinking about that makes my stomach turn. I chose to have Baby A. I had NO idea how much I would change in all of this, but I am not willing to sacrifice my time with him, for a pocketful of dimes. I know that we are tight financially, so I will find another way to help bring in cashflow. A way that has me still here within reach for anything that my baby needs.

 

In the last two weeks we have gotten an au pair and life has already felt so much easier in comparison. I really do a lot in my days to keep my baby and myself happy and healthy. I do a lot to help keep my husband happy and healthy. I do a lot to keep our house and our home environment happy, healthy, and clean. It’s not that I am sitting idle. Far from it. I do have some down time, and it does seem to pass by very quickly while he naps, but I need that down time.

 

I am just not ready. I don’t think he is either. We have the opportunity for it not to happen and I will find another way.

I’ve Come So Far

Posted on by admin

After reflecting upon some of the choices I’ve made romantically in the past, I came to the conclusion that I don’t have any regrets, but if given the chance to do it again, I would go about it differently. When I was young, I was so very naive, which is a major part of youth. I was reckless at times not realising how my actions affected others. I was definitely foolheartly and definitely went by how I felt, let my primal urges dictate what I was doing. I also drank quite a lot and it was in these times that my more questionable decisions occurred.

I was hashing this over and sharing it with a girlfriend yesterday and I realised that I have come so very far from where I was to who I am now. I am thankful that I have gone through the tumultuous times that I have from my previous life, but I am even more thankful that I have come through to the other side of it.

Personally I have evolved so much. I have reinvented myself so many times as well. I have given myself the opportunity again and again to grow and change… and I continue to do so.

The Love Glow

Posted on by admin

I appreciate my body, I appreciate the way that I look, I am super grateful that I have such a nice physical structure and appearance. It’s hard to say this to other people without feeling like I’m coming off as being stuck on myself, or conceited. This hasn’t necessarily been the easiest turn of events to get to this stage though. Through the head on collision, I was transformed as I had to build myself from what felt like the ground up. I had to rework my own sense of self, the perception of who I was, which definitely included how I looked from outside as well as inside.

Having to rebuild myself was likely the best blessing I’ve ever had in my life. It is one that has forever changed the course of my life because I now have well and truly fallen in love with who I am inside and outside. It hasn’t been an easy road, and I certainly would not recommend getting into a major car accident to achieve these results, but since I have I can clearly see the silver lining in it all.

Since I now I have a true love for my own self, I then attracted that in the outside world in the form of the most amazing, loving, supportive partner, who is now my husband. Since I now have that true love for myself, I allowed the possibility of us bringing a child into this world, something that I was not keen on earlier in life. Since I cultivated this deep sense of love for me, I have discovered how truly feminine I am and that I don’t have to necessarily shed off the protective masculine exterior way of being in the world that served me so well while working years climbing the corporate ladder. It’s like I get to take that fierceness, that ambition and now apply it to all of my life rather than focusing just on career. It’s brilliant. It’s working wonders for me as well.

After the car accident, which I’ll nicely refer to as the “divine intervention”, I had a series of different people helping me recover – facial doctors, general doctors, surgeons, physical therapists, acupuncturists, massage and bowen therapists, therapists, and of course a psychologist. The psychologist was very helpful for many reasons, but one of which is she reminded me of the importance of getting ready every day, even if there wasn’t anything scheduled. What a boost this is and has become a mainstay of my life. I enjoy the process of getting ready, of adorning my body with beautiful clothes that make me feel good, with doing my hair, moisturizing my skin, putting on makeup, it feels great.

Coupling the good feeling of getting ready and being prepared for whatever the day brings, along with this sense of true love for myself, and now the corresponding love from my husband, as well as the love that is being mutually exchanged with this baby growing inside of me and I have become an incredibly attractive woman. I look at myself quite objectively when I say this and also when I look in the mirror, because all of this is what it is in this moment and is destined to change. I just truly appreciate the amount of love that I have in all of these areas and how that love is made manifest by creating this beautiful glow of femininity. This is the stage where I wish everyone was able to cultivate this kind of overflowing love because being bright and shiny feels oh so good.