Finding Me

Learning through Experience

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I often say that the only way I know anything or have learned anything in life is because I have experienced it myself, first hand. This is how I operate in the world. I need to do something on my own, with my own hands, using my own body, with my own thoughts, in whatever environment I am in, so that I can learn and be in it to gain from it what it is. I am like a sponge in that respect, I take it all in, everything I can around me – the people, the smells, the culture, the overall feel of the energy around and I do my best to find myself amongst it all.

Since I definitely have some empath kind of traits where I take on the feelings of those around me, accompanied with the understanding that this is how I learn, I have found myself in many bizarre situations. I have learned so much about life and about what I want based on what I don’t want, which has been based on my own personal experience!

Perhaps this is also why when I’m in a new situation or environment that I am so open hearted and open minded when I am there. I embrace it all and then sort it out. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just learn by others stories, which I do to an extent, but truly, the deep learning for me is in the doing. It always has been.

 

Creating Family

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I was just overcome with the amount of excitement and joy that I have about creating my own family. I never thought that this was in my future and now that it is, it brings tears to my eyes. I didn’t expect that I would start to feel this way, that I would really want to have my own family, my own children, my own husband, creating our world.

To essentially create my own tribe with the people I love the very most even if they aren’t born yet. I get to create our own little dip in the world, our own version of life. I get to share the love that I have, I get to experience their love, I get to expand into this amazing gift of life. It feels like the only real thing that matters right now, creating a loving space for my husband, myself, and our soon-to-be child, and possibly children.

This would not be happening had I not found and seized the moment with my husband. He is the most amazing person and it is with his love and support that I feel like this can happen, and that it is happening. I knew it really early on that he was the person I would spend my life with. I even slipped up and wrote that I knew he would be THE Great Love of my life, not A Great Love as I had intended when I started creating the card. It was so early on in our relationship, nearly three years ago when I wrote it and it’s completely turned out to be true.

This excitement of being able to create my own world with my husband feels so good. It’s hard to describe as I type, but I’m actually tearing up as I write this, it’s the kind of excitement that is so unknown, so deep, and so expansive. I feel blessed. I know I am going to make the most amazing mother. I know my husband is going to make the most amazing father. I know we will create the most amazing and loving family, and this makes me weep with joy.

I just never expected to feel this way. I was so utterly against having children and getting married when I was younger. I am so glad that I have experienced life in such way, that it has changed my perspective on this completely. I wouldn’t change a single thing of the past, no matter how tumultuous, no matter how disorienting it was at times, because it’s from this journey that I have come to this revelatory place. My life is only getting better and better and I am so thankful.

Aphrodite Archetype

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The Aphrodite Archetype I completely resonate with. I am strong yet uber feminine. I dive deep into relationships and give my all to the moment until it’s done. Sensuality is one of the divine gifts of the physical world and I enjoy colours, flavours, textures and touch as part of my “must have”. I take great care of my self and my body, I take the time to enhance my feminine nature and my features by choosing clothing that suits me and works well with my curvaceous figure.

Aphrodite was able to inspire change in those she spent time with and I do the same. I consistently am in a process of continual rebirth and blending my feminine and masculine aspects to create an incredible whole. I am highly creative and love to express myself in every aspect that I can whether it be by painting, drawing, speaking, dressing, creating a meal, in every way I express my creative energy.

I feel very blessed to resonate with the Aphrodite archetype. I am a very strong woman and appreciate that I can gain insight and inspiration from such a tremendous Goddess!

 

 

Transformation and the flow of my mind

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i refute the idea that all life is suffering.

recently heard a translation to modern times suffering=stress.
this flows more easily with me.
living mostly on the spiritual and mental planes these days
these days in australia
wondering if its all just fiction
all the numbers, all the signs
a storyline based on a world of spirituality
that being the theme
i go with it
im interested
but could it be just like anything else… built by a set of ideas
then distributed and followed…
ill take what i want and leave the rest
take in, taste, experience, and absorb only whats necessary
in total preparation of the next step
i am becoming a full woman
true to myself and my nature
independent and confident
in my abilities
in my mind
in my love and in my knowing.
i know… i know… it is true
comfort in the words in old books that seem to confirm what i’ve known
not sure why i had to get confirmation, but i have and thats that.
its not always easy when you are venturing out on your own
paving your own way
going against the grain of the rest of the piece…
with a greater vision
not a herd mind whatsoever
i have to lead my life the way i choose
learning to truly trust this process and myself in it
i am getting there…
i make things more complicated that they need to… must K.I.S.S. more keeping to one plot… simplicity…
I break it down to keep it super simple… 🙂
for some reason i need to learn all about it before i can do that though
otherwise i feel like i am moving about blindly
not my cup of tea
feeling me
feeling what is here
feeling the greater force whatever that is
vibration
vibrato
its all around
its all around
regularly i request… make me a channel of divine creativity and use me as an instrument of higher will…
wrote the basis for a story… came to me at 3am, ten pages… based on the story steps illustrated on my wall…
flooding out… and then it stopped midway and i wrote… tell me more and more came…
now what to do with it…
wanting to create something that eventually involves others
musically
artistically
based on what flows through me… in words…
hopefully in full stories…
help disimminate the awareness…
to help bring light to other peoples work as well…
hopefully making an impact, an influence on others,
on myself, on humanity
the goal is still this…
to positively impact and raise the vibration of humanity, of the human race…
through energy
through thoughtful words and awareness
evoking emotion
evoking thought
evoking change

Allowing Love

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Embracing my own self love

releasing others from the unattainable task

creating my own happiness

allowing love in – as it is – right now

without falling back on old patterns

nor projecting the future outcome of this, of now

simply enjoying the now- the moment – what is

enveloping my self, my soul in the goodness and grandeur of love

not making demands

letting go of expectations

allowing me to feel without wanting to own my interest

he will come and go

he always will so it seems

but I – I am here – the one with me always

I cannot stall nor stop energy

so i allow the flow to truly run through me

like a river encompassing, enveloping my everything

from my heart to my soul from well above my head to deep into the ground

allowing love with a resting smile upon my face.A

Rebroken

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This is so hard for me

my tender heart is rebroken when we meet

its like a rejection again and again

when i’m around you I want to be back in

the warm and generous nature I know you have

along with your admiration and basking due to my love

you allow it – but each time I’m left so sad.

I try to be cool – most times I think I pull it off

or so I think –

I purposely put a barrier around me for protection

so I won’t continue to get hurt

I try, I try, I try

but its so hard with my broken heart

Moving Train

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Stay neutral in a moving train

Mr. Zinn I’m trying my best

to maintain equanimity in the wake of change

Is my life just one big test?

to see what I’ve learned?

Is it always necessary to have such flux?

understanding the Chaos Theory more than before

who knows what will happen next

who knows what door will soon be opened

who knows which way I’ll go…

Perfection

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debilitating thoughts of perfectionism

of someone else’s point of view

internalized and accepted

oddly enough as our own

somehow thinking that others are better

always feeling a bit inadequate

for reasons that aren’t ours

searching for perfection

when its already here

everything is just as it should be

we are as we are meant

as perfect as the flowers and the trees

as the honey that’s collected

as the changing colors of fall leaves

everything is as it should be

time to let go

that view of perfectionism

is outdated, antiquated and detrimental

to a whole self… a whole being

a whole soul

how can one embrace oneself

if we’re constantly searching

looking up and down

backwards and forwards

while overlooking the obvious…

the source, the root…

the perfection is here, now

free from defects

we are made exactly right

exactly as we are supposed to be

i am

it is

we are

perfection

Back in Time

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back in a time
where values are antiquated
old fashioned ways
conservatism
outward appearances
singing at the pews
wasn’t ever really from here
i just spent time
my time, i needed to learn
i can survive
i must know one extreme
to experience the other
i have to know senseless order
to have perfect chaos
intentional freedom
i must know the mold
to break from it
it isn’t my mold
that is utterly clear
as i find myself back here