Finding Me

In hope for more

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so here i am
where i thought i would be
but not how i want it to be
not feeling quite like my best me
sure i can make it work
sure i can morph and transform
compromise
not really my thing these days
not at all
so change is in the air again
oh yes again indeed
there is always a reason for the wind
surely enough the breeze is picking up speed
its not due to lack of opportunity for money
for making a life in the wine country
but its just not me
perhaps it was before
but i’ll never know
lifetimes away from now

i am blessed with incredible gifts
of seeing things as they are
with the ability to follow my bliss
to redefine and forecast
in ways beyond my comprehension
manifestations of dreams
all of them from my past
the same one that led me here
but i am no longer that
so now i guess its time to dream again
to make smaller steps
to build the foundation
to continue my climb
my growth
all or none or so it seems
take it or leave it
these incredible dreams
but for now…
for now…
for now…
just looking for simple happiness
simple truths
simplicity
yet yearning for a bit of a steady home
which i can make happens when i choose
but the wind keeps on blowing
my mind keeps expanding
and my heart… oh my heart… it keeps me moving

i am a feeler with incredible intuition
aware in so many ways
yet a novice to it all
not knowing how to really harness it
so move i must
thats all i seem to know right now
move until i feel it
hopefully someday that feeling will sustain

to leave one reality for another in hopes of something better…

Embracing Femininity

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Time to embrace

my god given gift

the all mighty

power of femininity.

my body

my curves

my scent

my vessel

housing my soul.

blessing it is

hard to express

in a conservative society

like the one that exists.

so much more than just flesh

a truth i am starting to understand

something to explore

not to be afraid of

or to feel any shame from

embracing my femininity

at the eve of thirty

in this rebirth i shall

be one with it in all ways i can.

At least I will know

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If there is one thing that is for sure

at least I will know

whenever the time comes

whenever I go

that I’ve tried out some options

some different realities

of life here and there

there won’t be regret

nor any confusion

as I’ll have experienced my life

adding to my personal season.

looking out to the grey desert clouds today

after climbing through a rhododendron thicket yesterday

i am reminded that everything is what i make it

every bit of this life is here because its what i choose.

if i stay long enough i’ll know how my soul feels

how it longs or linger or what it finds real

i guess i’ll keep moving

along till i find

the place where i feel the best

where the sun shines bright.

the thing is that the light shines here

and it also shines there

some places a little more

some places a tad bit clear.

the smell of the dry pinion pine

traded for the honeysuckle of north caroline

of course there’s a happy medium in which i will find

i wonder if its the place i started

the one that transcends time

that stays with me wherever i go

that holds steadfast flying high like the crow?

rhyming my way through the roots of my mind

the leaves of my being

and the branches of time

it sure helps me at least i believe

that at least I will know

what life is like because i’ve tried

because i’ve thought about it

because i’ve made my life mine…

The Spiral Continues

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the spiral continues

the pendulum swings

i’m back here in the desert

where i learned to use my wings

happy to be back

in this space once again

the feeling is what spurred

my traveling trend

traveling of heart

traveling of mind

trying my best to understand time.

i’m back here now

feeling it all again

even my hair looks the same

as it did back when

i’m different now

yet it still takes all that it can

it doesn’t leave what it doesn’t want

it just takes and takes and takes

its relentless

survival mode comes into play

the important things are the focus

in the dry long days

like health, true health.

like prosperity that is surely relative

but here anything more than what is here

seems to fit that bill

as simple as water, oh yes, water.

water, life, prosperity

sucking, taking i can feel it

this time around its more intense than before

a feeling that makes me want to run

run right out the door

back to the mountains

where life abounds

back to where life is

where easy people can be found.

the spiral, three times thus far

lucky i am to experience this too

lucky i am to know i can make it through…

Saturn Returns… I turn 29 on March 20th

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My life has been in quite a transitional phase since I returned from Brazil. I have been trying to find the place where I feel the best, where I see the “most blue skies” if you will all the while trying to stay true to who I am now, not who I was. It is difficult to do so, when you look similar, you are back in the place where you have spent a lot of time, around old friends, but inside I have changed a lot… I have lived a life that words fail to describe accurately… even so the words I use to describe are relative to my experience, just as they are for everyone… its really all relative from my perspective…
I’ve been back in Yosemite staying with a dear friend who made it a point to pick me up from the airport when I landed back in the states, who has given me a place to stay and has shown me love and care in a way that I thought didn’t really exist in the world anymore. I feel very fortunate and lucky that I have had such a welcome and such a safe place to regroup.
In the past month I have been in a meditation training course in North Fork, California, one that is changing my life… taking what I had learned on the intellectual level to the experiential level and it is blowing me away. Learning that I am the Master of the Mind and I really do create everything in my world. Learning that everything arises and passes away and I cannot be attached to something that is so temporary as it is impersonal and constantly changing. I am actually returning in a few hours back to the Meditation Center to keep learning until I feel like I have this down, I will stay there, it is that important to me right now.
The topic of what sign are you seems to have come up a bit as of late and when I share that I am a Pisces that my birthday is on March 20th and that I am turning 29 the common response has been… ah… Saturn Returns… which I had never really heard of before, so I’ve had people explain it to me and it seems to totally make sense… Apparently, when one is born the planet Saturn is in line somewhere out there in the universe corresponding with your birth date and year. It takes give or take 27-30 years for Saturn to make its cycle back to the same place it was when one was born… and it becomes a time for rebirth… but at an adult stage, where one really finds where they are supposed to be… It becomes a time to rediscover what is important and rearrange life to fit this new self image…
So just as a quick recap… I fell in love and quit my job after 9 years when I was 27 and moved to Brazil… at 28 I realized that I wasn’t the person I was when I left to Brazil… then returned to the states at the end of last year… have been living mainly back in Yosemite where I lived and worked for five years feeling totally in between as I am very different from who I was when I was here last… now I am approaching 29, back in California where I am from, learning about my bodily sensations and will be meditating in North Fork (the exact center of California) on my birthday learning all about me… seems so appropriate…
I find it to be an interesting coincidence, or not, that most divorces happen amongst people who are 28-30 years old… just at the time that Saturn is returning…
If you are interested in learning more about this meditation training course, they call it a retreat, but it is not a relaxing kind of thing at all… check it out… dhamma.org its incredible… taking it from the intellectual level to the experiential level…
Wishing everyone health, love, happiness, peace and liberation!
jennifer.

Planting New Seeds

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In this meditation course it is brought up that if you continue to plant the same seeds you will reap the same fruit. I am learning to plant new seeds and hopefully in time my efforts will yield different fruit… the fruit from before was good, it was exactly what I needed at the time and I am thankful for the fruit that I have reaped over the years. That fruit continues to be good in my life and I continue to eat it. However, as time has passed I have grown, evolved and changed and am in need of new fruit to help me move forward on my path. I have started planting as of late… and am hopeful that my time has not been used in vain… I don’t think it has… only time will tell…

one cannot plant the same seeds and expect different fruit…