Finding Me

The Same

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You and me we are the same

we only answer to a different name

we both have a book of life

where we have our individual chapters of strife

we both have physical bodies and brains

we both have the ability to take the reigns

just like me if you belief it – its true

making a special moment out of the blue

from the windows in which we look through

you have the choice to do the right thing

to dance to the songs that you sing

to write them yourself and make your own way

to cherish whats within our reach every single day

Sheltered Inner Beauty

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I talked to an old friend today, someone I spent time with a long time ago, she said she had been looking for me and that she was moving. It was great to hear her voice, I had been recently thinking of her as well as she signed my going away print of the hotel when I left years ago, so the timing was perfect. I love how that works out.

A lot has happened since we last spoke, her daughter and grandchildren had already moved out East and her and her husband leave at the end of this week. They traveled around a bit and found a farm in Missouri where they will soon be calling home together. This made my heart smile and I know she could hear it over the phone. I wished her the best and we agreed to try to not lose touch like that again.

I gave her a brief nutshell of what has happened in my life and that I am writing about it now, I told her I didn’t regret going at least I found out that it wasn’t true love, that it was what it was and I have grown from it. I said it was a hard stage of life, but that I am glad I went through it. She commented that I have been so sheltered in life. I agreed. I have. I have been very sheltered in a lot of ways, but I didn’t ask her in which ways, I just assumed we were speaking of the same way… she said that I didn’t even know how sheltered I was… and I said, of course I didn’t… I didn’t think I was sheltered… I can see that I have been very sheltered. It was interesting that this would come about in a nine minute conversation after not being in communication in a couple of years.

This stayed with me and when Rachel returned home for lunch I told her about the conversation and she said she also thought I had been sheltered, but then she reframed and said that sheltered wasn’t the word she would choose, she thought for a moment, and said that I was priveleged. Priveleged and I didn’t know it. She then asked me if I realized how much inner beauty I have because of this. She said that I have inner beauty that shines to my outer beauty, that my inner beauty is just as wonderful as my outer… I didn’t know how to take such a comment or compliment, but I tried and I replied that at times I feel like I do, but other times I really don’t and it isn’t something that I think about… she said that was part of it… 

 

She says to me

You don’t know your inner beauty

do you?

You feel you’ve been sheltered

but I think you’ve been priveleged

you don’t know your limitations

you haven’t experienced a lot of rejection

like most have with time

I say I’ve just been really lucky

to have had great people around me

gorgeous, wonderful, kind people

who are deserving of the trust I give

and they have shown me that its okay just to be

I’ve just been really lucky in life

to have been in really great environments

along my path of life…

I have experienced a lot of positivity in life

it has affected me and I love that

I am fortunate

so call it priveleged or sheltered

I sure am glad to be who I am. 😀

A Poem: Time to Get Healthy

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I’m well aware its time to get healthy. 

How can I serve myself when I feel so filthy?

I overthink, I don’t let go – my mind is a messy clutter. 

My visions blurred, it makes me feel lost and fluttered. 

I constantly replay the scenes from my past

then I skip to now to compare and contrast. 

 

It does me no good to live my life this way

I’m ready to be carefree an relearn how to play. 

So I drive by myself down the lonely highway

to pick up fruit and a big fragrant bouquet. 

The flowers make me smile and I gain some headway, 

my mood starts to lighten and the grey goes away. 

It’s simple pleasures like these that make me so gay –

an easy slow drive through the mountains on a Tuesday 

that remind me I know how to climb the big stairway. 

I’m really good at closing myself off,

but its because of this that I’ve finally read Chekhov. 

 

I have one foot on the step, my hand is gripping the rail. 

I get real distracted and want a pale ale. 

I shake that urge, I refocus and consciously exhale. 

I need all my energy or else I might bail

and I can’t do that nor can I fail. 

I know I have a long journey ahead, 

I’m resisting the temptation to give up and be led.

So I’m finally pulling myself together

striving everyday to be a little better.

 

It has to be easier than I’m making it

so I’m reframing the window so I can benefit.

I’ve been learning quite a bit and still have more to go

I know its up to me how long I’m gonna row.

I have to have faith that it will happen

as I’m climbing the stairs out of the canyon

making my own pace while slaying my dragons 

working my way up so I can sit in the wind and listen to the aspen.

A Poem: A Big Exhale

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Ahh… a big exhale

as I scribe on my page

backwards and left

releasing the rage. 

 

The gates are open

in fact – they’re broken

its all coming out

with fury while soakin’ 

and drenching my soul

with love and honesty

as brutal as its been

its just about to begin

the healing I need

to be whole once again. 

 

Ahh… a big exhale

as I write my own page

for my own story

outside of the cage. 

 

It feels great to be

on my way to be me

funky and true 

and finally free.

A Poem: And The She Woke

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one day she woke

she couldn’t breathe

she felt so sick

and was touched by the breeze.

 

The breeze turned to wind

as it swallowed her sin

she was standing still

while starting to spin.

 

The spin turned her ’round

shook her upside down – 

a little sideways

until she found…

 

She had been so lost

so off track

all she could think of

was heading back.

 

She’ll never be the same

it’s been a blessing in disguise

she had to fall down

before she could rise.

 

Now she’s found home

and flipped on the light

better than ever

and not having to fight.

 

She agreed with herself

to get up and go

from the valleys to the mountains

for reasons only she knows.

Beauty’s got the best of her

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Her eyes are bright

her love is right

but she still doesn’t know

 

beauty’s got the best of her

youth is on her side

but secretly she wishes

that she can run and hide

 

its time for her to be set free

to fly around like a honeybee

shes always sweet in her way

but nows the time for her to say…

 

oh set me free!

so I can learn what I need

so I can see who I am

’cause I just want to be me

 

beauty’s got the best of her

youth is in her eye

a heart bursting full of love

all she needs is time

 

oh set me free!

so I can learn what I need

so I can see who I am

’cause I just want to be me

My Personal Quest

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I really want to know what things are about. I want to know what love is about. I want to know what life is about. I want to know where I fit into the bigger picture. I want to know about spirituality. I want to learn as much as I can about everything that peaks my interest. I want it all.

Can I have it all? I am not sure, but I am sure trying. That is all I can do. I don’t know much about love but I am sure trying to figure it out. I don’t know much about life, but I am sure doing my best to live. I don’t know where I really fit in, but I am trying out different situations to find folks that are more like me than not. I don’t know much about spirituality, but I try to listen to my inner voice as often as I can. I know a little bit about a lot of things so far, but every time something new interests me I try to take the time to learn more than I know now.

I want it all… love, life, happiness, health, light and knowledge. I want to experience everything that I possibly can. I want to know about me in this process. I want to know about others in this process. I want to know. I just don’t know much yet. In fact, sometimes I think I don’t know anything at all. But I do know one thing… I can certainly say that I have been doing my best to find what I am looking for. I just wish sometimes it were easier to know exactly what it is that I am looking for.