Free Writing

Why do I think it needs to be hard?

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Somewhere deep inside of my programming there is something that has encoded that in order for me to justify what i am doing, it has to be hard, it has to be hard earned, it cannot be easy, it has to be something that I overcome in order to succeed at.

It’s like I stifle myself in the chapter I am in by making it harder than it needs to be. Even when I was healing after the head on collision, sure it was a challenge, but I probably made it harder than it needed to be. I do look to the bright side and maybe it’s because I put myself into places that need that outlook? It’s an interesting thought to dive into.

Even when I was travelling like a nomad, I wasn’t happy in it, not really, yeah there were moments, but overall, there was a sadness about me, I notice it looking back. I even made that foot loose and fancy free stage of my life harder than it needed to be searching for a place to settle down and create a new version of my life, when of course in hindsight, that stage was just a nomadic stage that wasn’t meant for roots, or at least I didn’t allow those roots to form.

I wonder if it also has to do with my ambitious nature, of wanting to be someone who is recognised, of wanting to be someone who is making a positive difference in the world, of wanting to be someone who really is helping others be their best selves. I wonder if all along I’ve been doing that, but have overlooked it because it didn’t fit what my version of success based on other people’s version of success, looked like. I wonder if my grass is always greener approach has actually taken away from the life I have been in, in favour of the life I have been searching for, or have been aiming to create.

Even now, living in the Western Suburbs of Sydney, I make it harder on myself that it has to be. I look at bad side of this area like the crime, graffiti, the fast food eating people not taking care of themselves culture. I do focus a lot on the Mum and Bubs that I have become close to here, and that is the bright spot, along with living not too far from the Blue Mountains, but beyond that I have been having this strong feeling for almost two years since being here, that this is not where I belong, this isn’t where my family belongs, and have been pinning for a move back to the lush land of the Northern Rivers where we were living. It’s like I have made this stage harder because of that, because up until recently I wasn’t as grateful as I could have been about being here, and that definitely tainted my view and my experience.

Now as a stay at home mum with my son, I know I have made that harder than it needs to be based on the feedback loop of sharing how challenging it was. I’m still sitting with that because it was liberating to say that it was challenging and that it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wonder now if it’s also part of the fact that I was feeling a bit helpless in it all, that I hadn’t taken a job and done that route and put bub in daycare, or had a live in demi pair the whole time. It’s almost like at this stage of life, I really really should have only focused on being a mum. Not focused on trying to start a business, trying to do anything other than learn how to be a mother, and learn how to be a wife and a mother. It’s a big deal, a really big deal, and like anything I want to do my very best at it, and by side tracking with these other things, it hasn’t helped me along. It was me trying to grab at things to help save myself from myself or something, I’m not really sure, but it didn’t stick, so there must’ve been a reason behind it all.

As long as I ease into being a stay at home mum with my bub, life is good. I am happier, I am more content in my life, I am a better partner, I am more creative, all of life is better. When I try to add on too many things, I get out of balance, and that makes me frustrated and those feelings come out in various ways that aren’t so great and that sucks. I want an easy flowing life. I also want to have all the resources to have an easy flowing life so that my husband isn’t worked to the bone. I know in time, it will all be okay and I will do other things, but for now, I really do want to focus on being a mother and being the best woman I can possibly be. The rest will work itself out, I know it will.

This all feels very revelatory for me. It feels like I am uncovering truths about myself and how I operate and they can make a difference in my overall happiness and the happiness of my family, which is highly important to me. I really hadn’t planned to have a life like this when I was younger, so I really am learning a lot as I go, in every moment. Plus my growth game is strong and I value that I am always evolving into a better version of myself.

So what can I do now? Be easier on myself. Allow the flow. Really focus on the goodness in life, right here, right now. Be grateful. Create. Rest. Love. Allow things to happen as they will. Be present. It’s all happening now.

Birthday Expectations

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I was married on my birthday. Unusual, yes, but it’s true. Two of the biggest days of my life are on the same date, and on the same day of the week even.

When deciding on the day to get married, I really wanted it to be on an equinox or a solstice for the symbolic reason of change, of balance, and of the newness that comes with the changing of the seasons. My first choice was not my birthday however, my first choice was the spring equinox in the southern hemisphere in September, but due to my finals at Uni falling exactly amidst that timeframe, it was out. We chose to go with my birthday instead, which in the southern hemisphere is the autumnal equinox.

It was symbolic on many levels, of night and day being in balance, of my own personal rebirth, of this new life beginning on the day that I first took air in this body, of the commitment that it would no longer just be me alone in my journey. Along with this, the more practical thought was that it would be easy to remember, and would give reason for a bigger celebration because the two were merged into one.

It’s a funny thing when birthdays come around, and major holidays for that matter too. It’s like we’ve been preprogrammed, or have been advertised so much to expect a lot on these days, like a grand celebration must occur in order to have happiness in life. Almost due to this weird programming, I’ve bucked the trend and haven’t really celebrated major holidays or my birthday, not really, in quite a while. I wonder now if it’s also due to feeling like I didn’t want to be disappointed if I wasn’t able to afford a celebration that I would consider to be good. As much as I try my best not to compare, it is hard for me not to when everyone around also celebrates and the common question after is “so what did you get?”. This has always been weird for me anyway because I grew up in a family who didn’t have very many financial resources, so our holidays were always a bit slim on gifts, but we always had plenty of food, enough to invite others along who didn’t have someplace to go or something to eat.

So I wonder now, if I subconsciously wanted to have my birthday and wedding anniversary on the same date, to help me avoid feeling at a loss of what my expectations were or are. Perhaps due to my constant pushing back of it saying that I don’t really celebrate is a way to protect myself from feeling less than, of feeling unimportant, of feeling that I didn’t get what I wanted.

Sure, I can go and buy what I want for myself, and honestly I think that way about most things from day to day life, like buying myself flowers so that any additional flowers I get are just an added bonus. However, I feel like I want someone to fuss over me now, to feel special, to feel celebrated.

Perhaps this is why most of the time when my birthday rolls around I feel a bit of a loss, and kind of sad. I haven’t wanted to share my desires for being cared for extra specially on my birthday, and in turn, I haven’t been. If I truly did not care, I wouldn’t feel this uncomfortable feeling in my throat and tears wouldn’t be streaming down my face.

I pretty much forced my husband into taking our toddler and I on his work trip abroad because the days happened to fall over my birthday and our anniversary, even though we cannot actually afford this trip at the moment. The same trip where it’s already been said that this shouldn’t have happened and we are only a couple of days into it. I must find a way for myself to not feel like a burden. I feel like I’m having a pity party for myself right now.

I feel like I need to have my own money and the freedom to spend it. I need to have my own power. I need to have my own independence and not feel limited. I need to be celebrated, and to feel loved in a celebratory way.

As I move forward, I will celebrate. I normally say that any excuse for a celebration, and I’m in, and I’m going to now include holidays and birthdays too.

On the eve of my 36th birthday I feel like I am coming clean.

Free Writing

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I’ve been doing this meditation every night and allowing it to absorb into my subconscious as I go to sleep. It’s all about grace and cultivating gratitude. It’s really beautiful and I’m so appreciative that I am doing it. We are on Day 7 with Day 8 coming in later today since I live in Australia. It is set up in the way where the good stuff is given away fro free so that you want to do more. It’s brilliant and I am happy to be taking the ride of the “free” experience. It’s by Oprah and Deepak Chopra, funny that their names rhyme, Oprah and Chopra, haha. I am sure that is divinely planned.

As I type again my baby is here in the home office and he is squealing with delight. It’s within the 5am hour and he just lights up in the morning. I look at him and he smiles and squeals. His sweet little dimple indents and his brightness just beams out with his smiling self. He is so gorgeous. He watches his hands and takes them in with such curiosity and wonder. It’s really a gift to witness and enjoy this sweet baby. I am so thankful to have my baby, baby A.

My body is getting tired though, he is getting heavier and heavier and still requires lots of cuddles and hands on love. That coupled with sleep in only stints of 2 or 3 hours starts to take a toll. He’s been teething, and it hurts him, 2 new teeth at a time it must be hard for him.

I painted yesterday, I felt inspired and started going and it felt so good. i finished a piece that is vibrant and full of life with bright reds, orange, blues and a bright yellow. Feel the light. This is where I really am. In the brightness, in the light, in the beauty of life. Ahhhh that feels very good.

Make each week count is written on a big reminder note on the mirror here in the office. Make each week count. There are only so many, there is only so much time in our lives, in my life. It is such a finite gift and I really am shifting the way that I use my time so that I feel great about it, cultivating a sense of gratitude, steering towards joy and expanding it, smiling, creating, living, loving. It feels good. It’s a conscious effort right now, but I know with consistent practice, it will become my natural pattern yet again. I assume that was my natural pattern as a baby like mine, and I am happy to incorporate that back into my regular life.

Free Writing

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Mixed feelings. Wanting someone to be their best but also demanding that space is given to me to also be my best. It’s an interesting balance, and most of the time it works out. There are a few times when it doesn’t and then I feel like I have to step in and rebalance the situation. Even when done in a nice way there is a lingering thought of was that appropriate, did I do that with enough compassion? I cannot look back now as it is done, but it’s interesting when not just feeling the joy but the conflict as well. I know it’s not personal, As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his Four Agreements, nothing is personal, so never take it that way and I agree. Everyone comes from a different background, living a different day, usually dealing with things that we cannot see at first or even third glance.

My baby is laying on the floor as I type this, he is playing under his play gym with monkeys hanging down and a circus like ball that jingles in his hand as he pulls his feet to his face and looks over at me and squeals. He is so precious. Having Baby A brings so many good things into my life and I’d much rather focus on those good things than not, to find the good feeling in any given moment and go there, and expand it as much as possible!

It’s first thing int he morning here, and I’ve had a warm glass of lemon water and a piece of toast, a warm rooibos & vanilla mixed with Madura English Breakfast tea is brewing in a white ceramic cup with a red interior on my desk. Its winter here in Australia. I can see the dawn starting and the sky looks purple and pink outside, it looks cold. My husband is still sleeping, he mostly tended to baby in the night when he woke up for a feed. it seems to be our routine, I get up with him when he wakes around 5am and my husband does most of the night duty, which usually involves once or twice needing to feed or change baby’s nappy. It works. We haven’t really gotten full sleep in so long, I actually don’t know what an uninterrupted night’s sleep is like. Even when I have the opportunity to take it, I still seem to wake up and look around, or use the toilet, or in general sleep lightly. One of the many changes that have happened in my life since having Baby A.

I’ve been reading a book by Anodea Judity called Wheels of Life lately. It about the chakra system and is very in-depth. I sought out the recommendation from a friend I know from Vipassana who is doing EKG meditation brainwave work in Tulum, Mexico at the moment. It’s powerful. Something that has really stood out has been how the energy rising from the ground up culminates in illumines divinity and divine connection. However, the opposite where the energy starts up there and becomes more and more limited as it comes down is the only way to truly manifest what you want and truly desire, manifesting by limitation. This concept has been blowing my mind and I think it’s pretty spot on. For the same reason that perfection paralysis happens when you are undertaking a new project if you haven’t already specified your goals and outlined how it would work, or the same for having too many options in the supermarket and it’s becomes so overwhelming you either just choose randomly in the end, or opt to not get it at all!

We have a couple of friends who have been staying the weekend with us which has been really great. They are our closest friends and we haven’t spent this much time with them ever, so its nice to do the ebb and flow with them. He was talking last night about creating art and specifically painting and how you have to limit to which colour palette you need in order to really get in and paint. He talked about the process of mixing colours and really preparing before actually creating. I immediately related it to this concept of Judith’s, where it’s necessary to limit in order to fully express. It feels so contradictory! But at the same time it feels like it must be this way!

I’ve kept journals off and on since I was about 18, and I’m now much older than that today. I remember when I was first writing, and for a number of years actually, I would censor because my partner at the time, I knew was reading them. So I would limit myself, this is not the same as limiting for manifestation, this is censoring what really needs to come out due to fear of someone else knowing what I am really thinking and feeling. I’d like to think that I have moved past that these days, but I daresay that sometimes, it may still happen on occasion, censorship based on company. I know it’s less and less, and I am sure as I continue to progress it will not be something I do at all and just freely express as I am. Censorship kills the creative spirit. That’s a bold statement, but it does. Censorship in general, limitation in general isn’t healthy. It then creates patterns of fear all through one’s life which don’t serve them well.

All of life and how we operate are just in patterns. All of us. All of everything. We are like roots of a tree, like streams branching off of a main river, we are like the veins in our own bodies. Patterns, patterns, patterns, that all connect.