Journal Entry

Birthday Expectations

Posted on by admin

I was married on my birthday. Unusual, yes, but it’s true. Two of the biggest days of my life are on the same date, and on the same day of the week even.

When deciding on the day to get married, I really wanted it to be on an equinox or a solstice for the symbolic reason of change, of balance, and of the newness that comes with the changing of the seasons. My first choice was not my birthday however, my first choice was the spring equinox in the southern hemisphere in September, but due to my finals at Uni falling exactly amidst that timeframe, it was out. We chose to go with my birthday instead, which in the southern hemisphere is the autumnal equinox.

It was symbolic on many levels, of night and day being in balance, of my own personal rebirth, of this new life beginning on the day that I first took air in this body, of the commitment that it would no longer just be me alone in my journey. Along with this, the more practical thought was that it would be easy to remember, and would give reason for a bigger celebration because the two were merged into one.

It’s a funny thing when birthdays come around, and major holidays for that matter too. It’s like we’ve been preprogrammed, or have been advertised so much to expect a lot on these days, like a grand celebration must occur in order to have happiness in life. Almost due to this weird programming, I’ve bucked the trend and haven’t really celebrated major holidays or my birthday, not really, in quite a while. I wonder now if it’s also due to feeling like I didn’t want to be disappointed if I wasn’t able to afford a celebration that I would consider to be good. As much as I try my best not to compare, it is hard for me not to when everyone around also celebrates and the common question after is “so what did you get?”. This has always been weird for me anyway because I grew up in a family who didn’t have very many financial resources, so our holidays were always a bit slim on gifts, but we always had plenty of food, enough to invite others along who didn’t have someplace to go or something to eat.

So I wonder now, if I subconsciously wanted to have my birthday and wedding anniversary on the same date, to help me avoid feeling at a loss of what my expectations were or are. Perhaps due to my constant pushing back of it saying that I don’t really celebrate is a way to protect myself from feeling less than, of feeling unimportant, of feeling that I didn’t get what I wanted.

Sure, I can go and buy what I want for myself, and honestly I think that way about most things from day to day life, like buying myself flowers so that any additional flowers I get are just an added bonus. However, I feel like I want someone to fuss over me now, to feel special, to feel celebrated.

Perhaps this is why most of the time when my birthday rolls around I feel a bit of a loss, and kind of sad. I haven’t wanted to share my desires for being cared for extra specially on my birthday, and in turn, I haven’t been. If I truly did not care, I wouldn’t feel this uncomfortable feeling in my throat and tears wouldn’t be streaming down my face.

I pretty much forced my husband into taking our toddler and I on his work trip abroad because the days happened to fall over my birthday and our anniversary, even though we cannot actually afford this trip at the moment. The same trip where it’s already been said that this shouldn’t have happened and we are only a couple of days into it. I must find a way for myself to not feel like a burden. I feel like I’m having a pity party for myself right now.

I feel like I need to have my own money and the freedom to spend it. I need to have my own power. I need to have my own independence and not feel limited. I need to be celebrated, and to feel loved in a celebratory way.

As I move forward, I will celebrate. I normally say that any excuse for a celebration, and I’m in, and I’m going to now include holidays and birthdays too.

On the eve of my 36th birthday I feel like I am coming clean.

Journal Entry March 21st, 2009 Back at Home for Nana’s Funeral

Posted on by admin

Being back at home, immersed in memories, looking at old photos and memorabilia of what was, of what has been, of my life, of this reality, my trunk, the trunk or roots, my base, its all a bit surreal. 

There’s a storm coming in as well. The wind is blowing the leaves around, the newly sprouted extensions are being shaken as the branches sway with the breeze. Dark grey clouds here and there amidst an array of grey, blue and white billowing puffs. The atmosphere is a bit more humid and much colder in comparison to the strong sun this afternoon. What a contrast and amazingly appropriate. 

I’m very grateful to have had a sister by my side growing up – I wouldn’t be the same without my other half Alexis. I’m also extremely grateful to have had all of my family so close, I can’t imagine how it would’ve been otherwise. 

I am noticing many similarities between Nana and I as we go through her belongings. She was my first and most impressionable role model and mentor. I am incredibly blessed and thankful for this. I realize today how much this is true. I was meant to have her in such a lead role just as she was meant to teach me what she had learned in life. She was about 70 when Alexis and I moved out to her country home with her. We were young, kindergarten age. She was a great woman. She seemed to be quite connected with who she was. I am lucky to have been raised by such a person. She absolutely influenced me and it is now that I see so clearly how she did. We had a very special bond, different from the rest.  Perhaps it is because I am her first granddaughter, or perhaps it is because our birthdays are two days apart, both on the Pisces/Aires cusp… perhaps we just got along really well in general… 

I took in what she taught me and made it my own. She always wanted to do everything right, the proper way and she would communicate through writing with friends. She would give me paper and a pen to write with as a child which I did next to her. I found a letter that a friend had written back to her proving that she was also quite inspirational to others as well through her words and the way she expressed what she felt from the heart.

The letter was from Anne from 1985, right around the time when Alexis and I went to live with her: 

Anne thanked her for her kind words and support and quoted what Nana had written to her, confessing that she has read it every single day… Nana wrote “All of u have only one day at a time, to lie, we should be thankful, do what we can, and never give up!” That was my grandmother… 

She had all that she needed and was thankful everyday. She wrote in her bible time after time “Thank you Lord for Everything” “and today, and today” She showed it with her loving kindness to everyone in every way. She was selfless and always generous with everything that she had tangible or intangible. I didn’t remember this, but it must be where I get it… she would cut out and copy down poems that she would come across and file them in her most prized possession… her source of inspiration… her bible. They were all about self discover, about being good and kind. She even had a poem of mine from when I was about 13 which made me cry…

—

I come from a very big hearted family, who are generous and kind, loving and compassionate, who like to enjoy life and have fun in lighthearted easy ways, a family of great people who strive to do their best. They are all unique and individual and extremely loyal. They are my family and I am theirs as well… I haven’t felt this good to be back at home in a long time… never quite like this… it feels great… 

I am glad that Chris was kind enough to pick me up from the meditation center to bring me here to say farewell to my grandmother and be here for my family… I am so blessed to have such friends and family. Blessed.

Journal Entry Sunday January 4, 2009

Posted on by admin

I awoke this morning with an overwhelming sense of oneness with all people – that I’m just like everyone else and, in turn, they are all just like me. Everyone is the same. Its just what we do that differentiates us – but everyone has the ability to be something – its just how much they li8sten to that inner voice as to how far and in what direction they go. Most of that was all predetermined before we got here anyway – just like I chose my particular family so I could learn the lessons about love, patience and being in my life. I used to think that wasn’t something that I chose, but the environment I did choose, how others reacted and how that environment changed- as a child- I didnt’ have control – Of course, in the end and alwatys really – all I can do is be me – do what makes me my best – I have control over my self and my life – and if I choose to go a different route – if I decide to listen to my soul a little more than others to guide me – then so be it 🙂 It is my way – the way I find best suits me – I think that everyone is like this but just not everyone realizes it, accepts it and uses it to better themselves, their soul, in this small amount of time we have in this life…