Mom

Why do I think it needs to be hard?

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Somewhere deep inside of my programming there is something that has encoded that in order for me to justify what i am doing, it has to be hard, it has to be hard earned, it cannot be easy, it has to be something that I overcome in order to succeed at.

It’s like I stifle myself in the chapter I am in by making it harder than it needs to be. Even when I was healing after the head on collision, sure it was a challenge, but I probably made it harder than it needed to be. I do look to the bright side and maybe it’s because I put myself into places that need that outlook? It’s an interesting thought to dive into.

Even when I was travelling like a nomad, I wasn’t happy in it, not really, yeah there were moments, but overall, there was a sadness about me, I notice it looking back. I even made that foot loose and fancy free stage of my life harder than it needed to be searching for a place to settle down and create a new version of my life, when of course in hindsight, that stage was just a nomadic stage that wasn’t meant for roots, or at least I didn’t allow those roots to form.

I wonder if it also has to do with my ambitious nature, of wanting to be someone who is recognised, of wanting to be someone who is making a positive difference in the world, of wanting to be someone who really is helping others be their best selves. I wonder if all along I’ve been doing that, but have overlooked it because it didn’t fit what my version of success based on other people’s version of success, looked like. I wonder if my grass is always greener approach has actually taken away from the life I have been in, in favour of the life I have been searching for, or have been aiming to create.

Even now, living in the Western Suburbs of Sydney, I make it harder on myself that it has to be. I look at bad side of this area like the crime, graffiti, the fast food eating people not taking care of themselves culture. I do focus a lot on the Mum and Bubs that I have become close to here, and that is the bright spot, along with living not too far from the Blue Mountains, but beyond that I have been having this strong feeling for almost two years since being here, that this is not where I belong, this isn’t where my family belongs, and have been pinning for a move back to the lush land of the Northern Rivers where we were living. It’s like I have made this stage harder because of that, because up until recently I wasn’t as grateful as I could have been about being here, and that definitely tainted my view and my experience.

Now as a stay at home mum with my son, I know I have made that harder than it needs to be based on the feedback loop of sharing how challenging it was. I’m still sitting with that because it was liberating to say that it was challenging and that it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wonder now if it’s also part of the fact that I was feeling a bit helpless in it all, that I hadn’t taken a job and done that route and put bub in daycare, or had a live in demi pair the whole time. It’s almost like at this stage of life, I really really should have only focused on being a mum. Not focused on trying to start a business, trying to do anything other than learn how to be a mother, and learn how to be a wife and a mother. It’s a big deal, a really big deal, and like anything I want to do my very best at it, and by side tracking with these other things, it hasn’t helped me along. It was me trying to grab at things to help save myself from myself or something, I’m not really sure, but it didn’t stick, so there must’ve been a reason behind it all.

As long as I ease into being a stay at home mum with my bub, life is good. I am happier, I am more content in my life, I am a better partner, I am more creative, all of life is better. When I try to add on too many things, I get out of balance, and that makes me frustrated and those feelings come out in various ways that aren’t so great and that sucks. I want an easy flowing life. I also want to have all the resources to have an easy flowing life so that my husband isn’t worked to the bone. I know in time, it will all be okay and I will do other things, but for now, I really do want to focus on being a mother and being the best woman I can possibly be. The rest will work itself out, I know it will.

This all feels very revelatory for me. It feels like I am uncovering truths about myself and how I operate and they can make a difference in my overall happiness and the happiness of my family, which is highly important to me. I really hadn’t planned to have a life like this when I was younger, so I really am learning a lot as I go, in every moment. Plus my growth game is strong and I value that I am always evolving into a better version of myself.

So what can I do now? Be easier on myself. Allow the flow. Really focus on the goodness in life, right here, right now. Be grateful. Create. Rest. Love. Allow things to happen as they will. Be present. It’s all happening now.

Stay at Home Mum is Okay

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A funny and strange thing is just coming to surface and I’m going to try my best to tease it out and allow it to flow here in black and white. I think I bought into the idea of how hard it was to be a stay at home mum because I was doing it myself and I wanted to prove that it should be valued and that in order to be valued without being paid with money, that it had to be hard. It wouldn’t seem fair if it were fun and you were just staying home with your baby while your husband goes out and works his butt off so you can be at home frolicking with your child. It’s like if it’s hard, then it’s okay to justify the stay at home mum role. However, if it’s something that you actually enjoy and get into the flow and find your rhythm that becomes a new version of easy for you, then some how that isn’t okay. It’s like I’ve been trying to justify me being home by viewing it and sharing with others how hard it has been. Granted, it has been very very challenging, and definitely harder than anything else I have ever done, especially for this long. There was a turning point though, where I really was feeding into a loop that wasn’t so healthy while I was dealing with my own post traumatic symptoms after having a baby, which definitely include the role change and not feeling useful, which was compounded by not being able to provide breastmilk and not being as physically capable as I had been, so many things were tied up in that really.

I’ve come to it now that it’s mostly quite enjoyable, I really do enjoy hanging out, playing and enjoying time with my soon to be two year old. He’s really pleasant, he’s smart, he really brings out all of my emotions and I get to grow in ways that I haven’t before, all through my relationship with him. It’s really awesome actually. I do feel guilty that I am not providing financial income to my family, but I know that I am providing way more in terms of how my son will be in the world and how we will all be affected because of that.

So no more leading on to how hard it is, it only makes it harder. I’m now going to focus on the happy bits more, the fun and joyful parts of this role I am in. It’s okay to enjoy it. There are hard parts too, all the time. However, It’s such a privilege that I even get to do this, I’m now changing the page to where I look at it through eyes of playfulness, love, and joy.

Witnessing Aggression

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In general I do a really great job of limiting my time and eliminating negative people and situations out of my life. I know that if I continue to put myself in an environment where negativity is, that it only takes me down with it, and I’m entirely too sensitive for all of that.

Lately I have been struggling though, and it’s with a situation that seems to happy with every encounter and I am having a hard time breaking from it. The situation is a little more delicate I think, but perhaps I think that because I am so close to it and I don’t know truly what she is going through. It has to do with a mum and a bub who my bub and I have spent a considerable amount of time with for the last year. Her bub is super high energy, and aggressive. Before it was all about helicopter parenting to keep an eye on them and ensure that he wasn’t biting my bub. Now it’s full grown into pushing and biting for no apparent reason. My friend is at her wits end as to what to do and has started giving a smack on his hand with an explanation of why he’s getting it. The last time this happened, we all took a break of about a week after her bub was consistently aggressive towards my bub and I could see that my bub was showing signs of fear from him, which is not okay.

In that break, my bub and I were socialising with another bub who is also a pretty easy going toddler and they played just fine for a couple of hours and it was great. I felt so much more relaxed and at ease, my bub was happy, everyone was happy and easy going. I noted how it felt so different when my friend and I met back up to take a walk and talk and it hurt her. I didn’t mean for that to happen, but truly there is a marked difference when her child isn’t around and I feel really bad that this is the case, but from my perspective, it really is. So I’ve just started to notice at social events if there is a difference and surely there is. Even when I have other bubs over to play, it’s not intense like it is when they are here, and I honestly feel really bad about this.

Why do I feel bad? I feel bad because I really like the mom and I like the child, but I love myself and love my child more and know that we have to come first. When we did get together for a play time, sure enough it was intense and we had to be like hawks over them. I even noticed that my bub was acting wilder than normal around her bub. Then came the aggression from her bub to my bub and what ensued has stayed with me since. I know the mum has the best intention and is really trying to sort it all out, I know this. She quickly pulled him aside and told him why that action wasn’t acceptable, and said he was going to get a smack, and then she did it, and put him down on the floor, where he wailed for a few minutes, until he got back up and was almost back at it again.

The thing is that this time I saw my child watching closely at what was happening, he was actually witnessing violence in some form from an adult to a child. I cannot shake it out of my mind and it makes my stomach hurt when I think about it. So now the situation as it stands is that my child becomes fearful of her child because her child is aggressive to mine. I am tense throughout it all. She is tense. She reprimands him physically and verbally, and my child AND I are witnesses to this and have to feel that energy in our space. I am not okay with this, and it doesn’t feel good at all. In fact if a friend were telling me about this I would advise her that she needed to take a very long break away from them. The truth is that my child, myself, and my husband are the most important in our world, period. I am so particular about what I consume mentally, who I am around, what I experience, and all of a sudden I have a parenting style that I am not okay with, right in my nest, in the home that is to be our sanctuary, our oasis, our retreat and safety place. This must not continue.

Maybe we can play when we are out as a group, but I really don’t want to be a part of that nor be affected by it any further. It’s really hard because I care about them but I really care about us more and this is my own, my very own family and I will do whatever I possibly can to make us the best and to protect us as I can.

 

Not Meant as a Single Parent

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Seriously I am not meant to be a single parent. Specifically, I am certainly not meant to be a person who has to solely look after another person who is dependent upon them. It is too much. Add to that the additional tasks of looking after elderly people and I am at a breaking point. I literally broke down in tears as I just couldn’t do any more. There’s a thing where I can hold it all together to a point. Then it will be something minor that is the straw that breaks the camels back. Today it was the criticism of too much salt in the meals I have been making after I was some how given the task of being the meal creator for everyone else along with myself and my little person. I am stretched too thin as it is. Not having family support due to geographic location and the rest of the family not being so family oriented, leaves the whole raising of the child to the parents. Then when one parent is away, it’s just that one person. Then to add more to that workload, it’s too much. Too much.

Also people forget what it’s like to have their first child. They also forget what it’s like to have only one child. It’s a big freaking deal. No one else occupies their time, no one else plays with them, it’s all left to me. It’s all, every thing, left to me. We have had a demi pair in the past and that has helped to alleviate that, but at the farm that isn’t the case. Everyone is so stretched here, and that is just the way of land, but now, for me at this stage of my life, it’s more than I can handle.

Exhale. This is me venting. It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m also so frustrated that I can’t fix the issues here, I don’t have the money right now to afford a million dollar property to help everyone out. I don’t have the means and it’s so frustrating. I feel like it’s all slipping away and I’m too taxed personally to do anything about it. Also being at the beginning stages of making a family it’s at odds with being at the beginning stages of building a grand fortune. I chose to have a baby with intention. I chose to have a baby so that I can experience this, so that I am there with the child. I don’t want to give that experience away to someone else, that isn’t what I want in my life. The solution isn’t just to send the baby to daycare so that I can work a full time job and bring in income and then see my baby for maximum 3 hours of wake time a day. It’s fucking bullshit. I am not doing that, I am not doing it that way and it makes me feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to find another way. Sure getting another demi pair will help. that will alleviate some time, but for christ sakes, when I don’t have the money to pay the freaking person, then i get someone who isn’t really qualified and I don’t trust them. So I have to be on hand, with my ear out all the time anyway. I don’t know how to win at this right now without having the financial resources.

This post isn’t really about being a single parent, it’s really about being frustrated with the limitations in my life, the lack of income, and the additional load of looking after others. That’s what it’s about. It’s that I feel this life is out of our reach. It’s that I need to just let go of the idea of buying the farm because it’s not going to happen. How on earth would I magically get 1 million dollars and then how would I then have money to do anything with that land after that? It’s too much and I can’t do it.

My husband is away at the moment and looking after bub full time all day every day and night, when he is not sleeping, is really wearing on me. I need help and if I do have another person in looking after bub, i want them to be an actual au pair, and one that I don’t then also have to clean up after, because that’s bullshit too, exchanging looking after one person to then look after another. This doesn’t make sense.

Additional thought after venting and 15 minutes:

Now that I’ve had a moment, the thing is that the farm needs help. They need help to maintain the farm, to maintain the egg business, to maintain the processing business, and to maintain the animals. On top of that my husband’s parents also need help. They need help by someone cleaning up the house. They need help by someone cooking meals. They need help for my mother in law who will likely have to have a heart operation. They need help to look after my father in law who has parkinson’s. They need help anyway because they are in their 80s. I also need help as I have a small child and that seems so minor when looking at everything else here that needs help, but I need help too. I need to realise that the farm is not mine to fix. It is my mother in laws, and she always says that it is a family company so it’s everyone’s even though no one else seems to really care other than my husband and I. It’s not enough. I am not the superhero and I need to understand that my position in life right now is as a mother to a toddler and as a wife to a husband who works non-stop. This is what it is. This is where we are, this is where I am, and somehow I just need to accept this so i don’t get into these big emotional meltdowns about it all. I am too attached to it and without help myself I certainly cannot help the rest.

I guess selling the farm is the right move. Then my parents in law can afford the help they need. They can stop doing the egg business and just focus on this small property. They can have a single woofer to help them maintain the yards and garden, and then it’s done. Maybe it really is for the best. Sure the person who buys the rest of the land may very well build their new house directly in front of this house, and that would be there right and then the view would be lost, and in turn this last part of the land would lose its’ value, and you know what, that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Sure the person who buys the land might protest about having a chicken farm next to them, and it would be there right, and all of the money we have put into it would be for naught, and that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Maybe all of this has to be let go after all.

Sleep

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It is amazing how sleep affects my life. It is more so an issue when I don’t get enough sleep. Having a baby is almost a contract to say that you vow to not get enough sleep for the rest of your life. At least, that is how having a baby has effected my sleeping patterns. If I am sleep deprived, I am more emotional, moody, I eat and drink more than I normally would, and I really struggle. I can certainly make it through, but it’s not my best, and it doesn’t feel good at all to scrape by like that.

My baby decided that 4am was the right time to wake up after a night of being up and down every hour or so since a short while after he went to bed. That’s a big deal. It was like this when he was a little baby and there was a point where my husband and I took shifts to so the other could sleep. So now when he’s 18 months old and a night comes like that, albeit it’s not as often as it was when he was brand new, it still carries such a weight with it. That weight is felt in my eyelids the next day, and even this evening as I type this out. That weight is felt in my body as I eat another burrito, and another tea. That weight is felt in my gaze as I drive, and it’s felt with every step when I heave him up to hold him on my hip.

It’s a big deal feeling slightly like a heavy zombie who has a dependent who cannot speak words and only demands via grunts and loud cries. You see, the baby is also sleep deprived. He also had a bad night. The poor guy. The situation with teeth coming in is rough. Almost any new growing pain that comes along can be really challenging for the little guy. Most of the time I realise this, but when I am also really tired, it definitely tries me.

I had to step outside with him at 430a into the starry autumn early morning just to jolt a change that would be different from crying inside holding him because nothing else I was doing was working. It did work, it helped us both actually. Isn’t the night sky amazing? I mean really, its so vast, so peaceful, so humbling. It’s hard not be taken aback a bit and feel that sense of awe and wonder, especially so when in the countryside where the sky is so clear and every star seems to be in it’s sparkling brilliance.

Sleep. I love you. Baby I love you. Now let’s have the things I love, love each other, please 🙂 Thank you. I promise I’ll be better tomorrow.

 

 

Sleep

Happy Mother’s Day

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Being a Mother is a big deal. It’s so much more of a big deal than I ever gave it credit, and probably still only know the beginning of it. I have learned that it is referred to as the “Initiation” when women become mother’s. It’s a leaving behind everything that you once knew in order to forge ahead in life as a wholly different person really. To experience such a wild transformation would of course yield major changes. It’s almost like climbing Mt Everest, something I haven’t done, but I imagine it’s similar. Having to battle the elements, with one foot in front of the other, feeling the weight of your bag getting heavier at each turn, then finally reaching the top, only to have to come back down again, exhausted, spent, and with new eyes.

It’s almost like major transformation requires that, it requires you to use every bit of physical and emotional stamina you have, it requires that you give everything, where nothing else is left, then you can make it through to the next stage of life. Being burnt to a crisp is so incredibly challenging, and I am sure that more women go through horrible post natal depression than they let on. I am sure that more women have battles with themselves and their choices than what they talk about. The image of the perfect mother getting back into shape, and carrying on like she wasn’t just broken physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, like a fast forward button had been pushed and suddenly it’s the same woman but now with a baby, is such a fallacy. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it isn’t this picture perfect image, not for any woman I know whom has actually divulged and truly shared what is happening for her in her life.

Even amongst the sample population within my mother’s group, there have been a myriad of situations including not healing all the way physically, having post natal depression, miscarriage or a pregnancy entirely too soon that did culminate in another child, relationships that were rocky, relationships that then ceased to exist as they once were, the push pull dynamic of needing to have 2 incomes versus having the mum spend these unbelievably important early years with the baby, it’s like every one of the women I know has gone through quite a bit with this. The challenge is real, that’s for damn sure. The perfect image is such bullshit, and I now know this firsthand.

So here’s to all the Mother’s who have made the most out of it. To all the mother’s who have silently dealt with their pain. To all the mother’s who have given of themselves so selflessly and have done it because it’s just what a mother does. Here’s to all the mother’s who nurture, who teach, who live in love every day, it is a special privilege and I am so thankful that I am one of them.

Mother’s Group Blessing

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Consistently I am so grateful for the Mother’s Group that I am a part of. I initiated it, and I really did set the tone for us with our first at home mother’s group, but it is only the way it is because of the beautiful women who are a part of it. Our babies have all been growing along side us and it’s been a joy to share this journey together.

Now that our bubs are pretty much all walking, they are so interactive. To see them taking turns, more or less, with toys and just doing their own thing too is incredible. The process of our babies developing has helped us all to evolve into these women who are really good mothers. It’s such a blessing and I am thankful all the time for our Mother’s Group. I wish that every new mum had a group that she could share with and rely on like i have.

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Better Body After Baby

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This is going to sound crazy. My body seems to be better after having a baby. Better as in, slimmer than before and stronger. I wonder if I have been naturally toning my body because I lift my baby, my top of the chart in weight baby, all day every day. If it’s because I am constantly picking up things from the floor, moving around and bending over regularly.

I was lucky, bitter sweet advantage of having a baby 32 weeks along versus 40 weeks, but it was really easy for me to lose the baby weight, I had hardly gained anyway, and within two weeks I was back below what I had started before getting pregnant. This then fluctuated with lack of sleep, crazy eating patterns, stress, and the whole transition into being a mum, but overall my weight stayed the same. My body however felt pudgy, untoned, out of shape. It even created such a concern to me that I tried a ridiculous body wrap which in turn caused more trouble than any good, I was self conscious. Fast forward about six months, and baby is now about a year and a half old, and seriously my body feels like it’s in pretty good shape. I have endurance, I have strength, I am flexible, and I feel strong.

So maybe this isn’t a fluke. Maybe this is what happens to a lot of moms but the media seems to focus on diet this, diet that, or how to “lose the baby weight” which all of those do more harm than good. I didn’t do any diet, I have just been aware what I have been eating, gotten more sleep, and I play with my baby on the daily.

So Much Love

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The amount of love I have been feeling for my baby, err toddler, is out of this world. Seriously, the dopamine must be pumping through my veins, as I feel euphoric a lot of times just cuddling with him. Gosh that feeling is amazing, it’s overwhelming at times, it’s like the feeling when you first fall in love and it feels so very warm, decadent, inviting, encompassing, and so very dreamy. I feel all of this and so much more when we are just cuddling on the chair. By cuddling, I really mean that he is sitting on my lap and I have one leg crossed so that I am holding him into place, and he lounges back onto me, essentially I am a cushy chair to him, and I happily oblige!

Interestingly this also corresponds with the recent notice that I can tell he is understanding me AND that he has a response for sure to what I am saying about what I am saying. It’s different than before, it’s like a click has happened in his head, and between us, and it’s so nice. He still grunts a lot and makes sounds but he does have a few words that he says that I know he knows what they mean, like when he says ahnana, for banana when he sees it. He also says dada and knows that is his dad now. He says mama, but certainly not as much as I would like for him to! 🙂

Also he has THE SWEETEST smile there ever was. I know I am biased because I am his mum, but for real, he does. He plays peek-a-boo with you, he shines that big beautiful smile where his entire face and being lights up, it is so precious. He garners the attention in a really subtle way where everyone just gives it to him and enjoys it too. It’s so sweet and certainly not look-at-me, over-the-top at all, he has a nice gentle way about him.

I just adore this baby, this little person, this unique being that I am blessed to be with on this life journey. How lucky did I get in life that I get to have this sweet boy AND an amazing husband. My cup runneth over and it’s wonderful.

One on One Time

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My husband has been away for work, so it’s left time for just baby and I to spend together. Now that he’s older and perhaps because I’ve resigned that when we are together, that is our time together and not me trying to do something else, which invariably doesn’t seem to work out so well for my projects, my online ordering, or my own personal sanity. So as long as we are both fed, have slept, and are engaged in some way, life is good, life is really exceptionally good. We have been out traveling abroad in Ireland and have only been home a week and a half, so maybe it’s the readjustment to being back at home and kind of bunkering down for a moment, but it’s nice, it’s all so nice.

Also since daylight savings + jet lag creates a new natural bedtime at 530-630p, this allows me to actually have time on my own in the evenings! This is a revelation! I am happy as a clam to spend some alone time, having dinner by myself and reading or listening to something that engages me. It’s nice, it’s all very nice.

The only component that is missing is my husband, so now, to incorporate him back into our lives so that we keep with this sweet spot, that would be lovely.