Unique & Individual

Red Lipstick 2020

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I love how I feel when I’m wearing red lipstick. I feel empowered, I feel confident, I feel sexy. I feel like I can take on anything and come out on top. Wearing red lipstick is the equivalent of me slipping into my superhero’s cape or my power tie. It is all about power for me, and I absolutely love the feeling. When I had my first son and I was totally disoriented, lacking confidence, feeling totally broken, I would put on red lipstick to wear even around the house, and it instantly picked me up.

2020 is the year, and the decade, that I am stepping fully into my power and owning who I am in my fullest expression. I am turning my talents into resources, I am channeling from the highest power for the highest good, I am expressing, I am creating, I am sharing, I am serving. This year in particular calls for me to feel my best, brightest and strongest, and red lipstick is a symbol for me and will act as a reminder.

Wearing red lipstick, I cannot hide, I cannot shy away. Wearing red lipstick demands me to be present, be bold, be right there speaking my truth, being my absolutely best.

My commitment is that I will wear red lipstick every single day in 2020. I KNOW this is going to transform my life in ways that I cannot even imagine right now and I totally welcome the positive change.

Journal Entry March 21st, 2009 Back at Home for Nana’s Funeral

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Being back at home, immersed in memories, looking at old photos and memorabilia of what was, of what has been, of my life, of this reality, my trunk, the trunk or roots, my base, its all a bit surreal. 

There’s a storm coming in as well. The wind is blowing the leaves around, the newly sprouted extensions are being shaken as the branches sway with the breeze. Dark grey clouds here and there amidst an array of grey, blue and white billowing puffs. The atmosphere is a bit more humid and much colder in comparison to the strong sun this afternoon. What a contrast and amazingly appropriate. 

I’m very grateful to have had a sister by my side growing up – I wouldn’t be the same without my other half Alexis. I’m also extremely grateful to have had all of my family so close, I can’t imagine how it would’ve been otherwise. 

I am noticing many similarities between Nana and I as we go through her belongings. She was my first and most impressionable role model and mentor. I am incredibly blessed and thankful for this. I realize today how much this is true. I was meant to have her in such a lead role just as she was meant to teach me what she had learned in life. She was about 70 when Alexis and I moved out to her country home with her. We were young, kindergarten age. She was a great woman. She seemed to be quite connected with who she was. I am lucky to have been raised by such a person. She absolutely influenced me and it is now that I see so clearly how she did. We had a very special bond, different from the rest.  Perhaps it is because I am her first granddaughter, or perhaps it is because our birthdays are two days apart, both on the Pisces/Aires cusp… perhaps we just got along really well in general… 

I took in what she taught me and made it my own. She always wanted to do everything right, the proper way and she would communicate through writing with friends. She would give me paper and a pen to write with as a child which I did next to her. I found a letter that a friend had written back to her proving that she was also quite inspirational to others as well through her words and the way she expressed what she felt from the heart.

The letter was from Anne from 1985, right around the time when Alexis and I went to live with her: 

Anne thanked her for her kind words and support and quoted what Nana had written to her, confessing that she has read it every single day… Nana wrote “All of u have only one day at a time, to lie, we should be thankful, do what we can, and never give up!” That was my grandmother… 

She had all that she needed and was thankful everyday. She wrote in her bible time after time “Thank you Lord for Everything” “and today, and today” She showed it with her loving kindness to everyone in every way. She was selfless and always generous with everything that she had tangible or intangible. I didn’t remember this, but it must be where I get it… she would cut out and copy down poems that she would come across and file them in her most prized possession… her source of inspiration… her bible. They were all about self discover, about being good and kind. She even had a poem of mine from when I was about 13 which made me cry…

—

I come from a very big hearted family, who are generous and kind, loving and compassionate, who like to enjoy life and have fun in lighthearted easy ways, a family of great people who strive to do their best. They are all unique and individual and extremely loyal. They are my family and I am theirs as well… I haven’t felt this good to be back at home in a long time… never quite like this… it feels great… 

I am glad that Chris was kind enough to pick me up from the meditation center to bring me here to say farewell to my grandmother and be here for my family… I am so blessed to have such friends and family. Blessed.

Smile When You Think of Her

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I was a pallbearer along with my sister and a few cousins… In a long white cadillac she took her last ride on a brisk and breezy Monday we bid her farewell not good bye… I read the following graveside… 

 

Although she’s not here, she’s not gone

her years of hardwork raising all of us

with love and patience as she taught us right from wrong

she lives inside of us and is in all that we do

so smile when you think of her, don’t be sad and blue.

Nana has moved on to a peaceful place

up in heaven where they’ve been saving her space

she left this world and has been welcomed by a loving warm embrace

so smile when you think of her, don’t be sad and blue

remember all the hugs and all of her smiles

keep them with you, they’ll take you through the long and windy miles

thank you Nana…

Memories of Nana

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My grandmother, the one I lived with the majority of my youth, just passed away. I wrote something to be shared with family and friends at the funeral chapel… here it is: 

 

I thought it’d be appropriate if I wrote this down as at times I can be a bit emotional… 

My memories are infused with pleasant images and moments with Nana and I’d like to share a few….

like picking sun ripened tomatoes from her tomato patch

shelling peas and walnuts by hand for hours on end

making homemade fig newtons and molasses cookies in the kitchen 

sitting in suspense during the last half hour of Murder She Wrote

listening to her say her nightly prayers as she knelt down in her bedroom

smelling the perfume she wore with her best Sunday dress, broach and high heels

learning about painting happy little clouds and nature scenes from Bob Ross next to her

singing along while standing in her regular pew at church

walking, speed walking mind you, down the country block as she stressed that I needed to always maintain good posture with my shoulders back, chest and head up

cutting oranges and toasting Roman Meal bread along side her for breakfast

I distinctly recall when I was young, probably 8 or 9 years old, I was crying, worried about death, scared that she would die someday, that I would die someday. She assured me as I knelt by her chair with her loving hand on my shoulder that I needn’t be afraid, that God had a plan and suggested I seek the pastor for guidance. 

I am who I am today because of the experiences and influences of my family and am so fortunate to have lived with Nana for so many years. Even when I’ve been away, she’s always been with me and will continue to always be a part of me. I’ll always cherish those special moments and smile with my heart when I think of her. She was such a generous, kind, dedicated, firm, hardworking, loyal, compassionate and loving woman who has positively impacted our world. Thank you Nana.

Saturn Returns… I turn 29 on March 20th

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My life has been in quite a transitional phase since I returned from Brazil. I have been trying to find the place where I feel the best, where I see the “most blue skies” if you will all the while trying to stay true to who I am now, not who I was. It is difficult to do so, when you look similar, you are back in the place where you have spent a lot of time, around old friends, but inside I have changed a lot… I have lived a life that words fail to describe accurately… even so the words I use to describe are relative to my experience, just as they are for everyone… its really all relative from my perspective…
I’ve been back in Yosemite staying with a dear friend who made it a point to pick me up from the airport when I landed back in the states, who has given me a place to stay and has shown me love and care in a way that I thought didn’t really exist in the world anymore. I feel very fortunate and lucky that I have had such a welcome and such a safe place to regroup.
In the past month I have been in a meditation training course in North Fork, California, one that is changing my life… taking what I had learned on the intellectual level to the experiential level and it is blowing me away. Learning that I am the Master of the Mind and I really do create everything in my world. Learning that everything arises and passes away and I cannot be attached to something that is so temporary as it is impersonal and constantly changing. I am actually returning in a few hours back to the Meditation Center to keep learning until I feel like I have this down, I will stay there, it is that important to me right now.
The topic of what sign are you seems to have come up a bit as of late and when I share that I am a Pisces that my birthday is on March 20th and that I am turning 29 the common response has been… ah… Saturn Returns… which I had never really heard of before, so I’ve had people explain it to me and it seems to totally make sense… Apparently, when one is born the planet Saturn is in line somewhere out there in the universe corresponding with your birth date and year. It takes give or take 27-30 years for Saturn to make its cycle back to the same place it was when one was born… and it becomes a time for rebirth… but at an adult stage, where one really finds where they are supposed to be… It becomes a time to rediscover what is important and rearrange life to fit this new self image…
So just as a quick recap… I fell in love and quit my job after 9 years when I was 27 and moved to Brazil… at 28 I realized that I wasn’t the person I was when I left to Brazil… then returned to the states at the end of last year… have been living mainly back in Yosemite where I lived and worked for five years feeling totally in between as I am very different from who I was when I was here last… now I am approaching 29, back in California where I am from, learning about my bodily sensations and will be meditating in North Fork (the exact center of California) on my birthday learning all about me… seems so appropriate…
I find it to be an interesting coincidence, or not, that most divorces happen amongst people who are 28-30 years old… just at the time that Saturn is returning…
If you are interested in learning more about this meditation training course, they call it a retreat, but it is not a relaxing kind of thing at all… check it out… dhamma.org its incredible… taking it from the intellectual level to the experiential level…
Wishing everyone health, love, happiness, peace and liberation!
jennifer.

I Love You, Man…

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Way back in the day, back seven or so years now… a lover told me… “I love you, man…” I broke his heart, I didn’t mean to, it was never my intention. He loved me but I wasn’t there. It scared me away needless to say and since he said it in a scene where others were at the time… they then started to tease me about it. Then it just became the saying… “I love you, man…” that we would use endearingly and frequently I might add… 

So now I find myself back in Yosemite where it all began. I opened up a webpage to listen to some music and there I see an ad. The ad is for a movie entitled none-other-than… “I LOVE YOU, MAN” and to top it off… it comes out on my birthday March 20th… 

A funny coincidence? Maybe… It certainly did make me smile… love… what a funny thing… it is amazing how it all comes back around… in some fashion in some way in a time when we are least expecting it… I am going to take this as a friendly reminder of a moment a while back…

The Heart Breaker

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I don’t want to be a heart breaker  

I want to find balance between giver and taker

I want to fly high, I want to fill your cup

I want to love you dearly

But surely I know I will want to break up

I don’t want to break your heart in the process

Don’t take it personally, it just me… I still want to progress

I’ll experience what you have to offer

I’ll see how I am affected by it

And as easily as I’ll fall in love

I’ll fall right back out…

Don’t take it personally that I chose a different route

I wish I knew how to be another way

And still be happy and joyful every day

This is why I need time to be alone

Spending days all on my own

Falling in love with myself and who I am

Learning about me and learning how to stand

I will reach down low and stretch way high

I’ll try to keep my feet on the floor

While I let my mind and soul fly

It has to start with me first

I will try to break my heartbreak curse

As one love once said as he sat still

“If you let me love you, I will”

Now its time for me to instill

This thought of love and acceptance

Of hope and repentance

For me first and then for you

Then in my life I can be one of two

I owe it to myself to do this now

I’ve not done it before, I’m not really sure how

So, I will do what I think is best

Cutting myself off from the rest

Until I figure out a bit more

Until I reach to the depths of my core

Where I find my own true love for my soul

Then I’ll come back out to play

With a refreshed outlook on the day

Where I can confidently believe and say

“I love my self whole-heartedly for who I am”

until this happens I will not accept another person’s heart in my hand,

first I must know about myself in order to know love and understand.

Looking to the Bright Side

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I have to look on the bright side

to think of the good things in my life

for I am healthy and being my best

I know I cannot control the rest

I can just try every day to progress

to feel the love and feel that I am blessed.

 

I have seen disparity and poverty in other lands

I have seen dishonesty and hatred firsthand

I chose to leave so I could continue to expand

my own horizons even though they are unplanned.

 

I just know that the storms are almost over

as I start a brand new chapter

of my life as I gain closure

relinquishing any pent up anger

embracing my new future.

 

Sunny days and blue skies are ahead

I am trading them for the rain and thunder instead

So I can feel the love surround my heart and my head

because I have to enjoy this life before I am dead.

My Own Way

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I always take the guilt,

I always take the blame,

and yet its me to blow out the flame.

 

I try my best up to a point

while I watch you light a joint

by this time I am already done

I’m tired of battling and you’ve just begun

then comes the time to plea and bargain

but I’m not up for sale, this isn’t an auction.

 

I give more chances than I ever should

I look past it all and try to see the good

I know you’re smart and that you’ve understood

then starts the “I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve,”

when all I want is to be free of any falsehoods.

 

I never understand when you act so hurt

after hearing and seeing all of the signs of alert

I prefer the mountains but can handle the desert

but I’m a water baby and won’t convert.

 

So let me be free

let me swim as I please

let me buzz around with the honey bees

reaping life’s bounties

smelling the field of daisies

where I wont be made fun of for driving like its sunday

as it is my mode of life to get lost and enjoy the day

so if you can be a bit carefree, please stay

and if not don’t be hurt when I go my own way.

Diving Deep

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I like to swim around in the currents

on my own, without any deterrents

diving deep to see whats hidden below

then rising above to challenge what I know.

 

There’s so much life in my soul’s canyons

with layers upon layers to recount what has happened

its a tough trek, steep and dry

all by myself but I know I must try

There’s abundance and life at the bottom that’s all mine.

 

At the lowest depths where life abounds

I can jump, fly, relax and swim around

absorbing the love within me that I’ve found

hearing nature’s harmony resound

taking in the beauty that’s so profound 

its all about goodness when you go this far down.