Wake of Growth

Emotional Affair

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I do have an emotional affair with my inner self. I really do. I hadn’t fully thought about that until recently. I love experiencing my own emotions, my own feelings, and I particularly like when I get to do that on my own terms, in my own way, and alone. I don’t like to go through some emotional upheaval in the presence of others. I don’t feel like I can totally let loose and fully be in my emotions that way.

Perhaps this is why I have been journaling and blogging since I was 18, it’s been a way for me to talk to myself, privately, and intimately. As most long term love affairs go, it has only gotten better with time. I have become more honest with myself. I have exposed my whole soul to myself. I love that I have been brave enough to do this, because it does take bravery to be this way. To allow space for my own emotional vulnerability is brave, it does take intention, and I am almost proud of myself for starting this habit so many years ago. That means, that for half of my life I have been writing in some form. That’s beautiful. I love this emotional long term love affair, and it will only continue to grow stronger, deeper, more transparent, and expansive.

Writing as Therapy

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Writing as a discovery process of myself naturally means that it is therapeutic to me. I am not certain how to discover more about myself and not see it that way. As I dive in deeper, as I explore who I am and naturally I become easier with myself.

When I am setting out to write, even these little thoughts bursts in the form of a blog post, it is for me. It has always been for me. I almost haven’t wanted anyone else to see it or read it, unless I share it, because I treat HonestThoughts.com as my online journal of sorts. It truly is a storage place of my thoughts, ideas, expressions, and personal explorations.

Now translating this process into writing something larger will be great therapy for me in many ways. When I go into detail about my NICU experience it will first and foremost really be for me. It will really be about me processing the whole ordeal so that I can gain some insight, distill it into myself, and then move on. I am certain that someone will get benefit out of it, and some won’t, and I’m not that concerned about the reception. Overall, it really is my own personal journey sharing what I’ve gone through in black and white so that it is done and out of my head and heart.

How wonderful is the process of going through ideas and experiences this way. I remember when I had returned from Brazil, I couldn’t not write, as in I HAD to write. I HAD to process my emotions and my experiences in some way and it had to be writing for me. I also did a lot of painting at that time which was nice, but the writing felt compulsory, and highly therapeutic for me. The difference is when i was writing about Brazil, I wasn’t thinking that it was just for me… I thought about it for others as well. Now that I’ve gained a bigger view, I see that it really is all about me helping myself via writing. If that isn’t as self-help as it gets I’m not sure what is.

Adding Humour to Trauma

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Writing a survival guide to the NICU has been on my mind for over a year now. I accept that I haven’t done it yet. I do think that it will help other women going through a similar experience if I can shed some light, and specifically some humour to the situation.

There in lies the challenge, how to add humour to what is normally quite a traumatic event? Not just an event, but a full experience that usually lasts weeks to months in duration.

I have read a few books from very funny women including Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and one currently from Ann Handley and I appreciate when a little chuckle is thrown in. It allows the topic to be discussed that needs to be, without all the heaviness that can usually accompany it. I know I can write with compassion, and now I want to add humour to that mix.

How to do it… how to add humour to a traumatic experience when writing about it. Is it something that happens in the editing process? That would great. I just let whatever needs to come up, come up and out, and then in the editing process, then go back over it and add some humour, some more wit, and spruce it up.

That will be my plan of attack. Ready, set, go!

Low BS Tolerance

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I’ve come to realise that my tolerance level for bullshit has become very very low. I can see right through it and it just makes me baffled. It’s hard for me to follow along these days. I do mean these days too, as before, it wasn’t always like that…

Perhaps clean living with regular meditation has added to this clarity, and if it has, I am so grateful. Perhaps it is the wisdom that comes with years living on this earth. Perhaps it is the wisdom that comes from experience of being in enough situations where the BS was so out of control, that I had to excavate my whole life to see what was real and what was left and then began again.

Who knows. I am thankful though.

What is Mine Will Always Be

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In the same way that Marketing has moved from a Push, Push, Push environment where the company was pushing their product onto the consumer, to a Pull environment where the consumer is pulled to the product by clever communication strategies, life in general is appears to also hold that trend and truth.

I have total faith that what is mine will always be mine and this is the pull system. The life I want and will have will always be mine, it could only ever be mine. If I work on myself, find ways to improve and implement those changes, if I do my best to help others and serve and grow in that way, all of these changes lead to and make up my life. This is true for anyone, if you continue to put out your own energy of who you are and what you are here to do, then life will come to you! Life comes to me! All I have to do is hold true to who I am, be the best that I can be, and move forward with action to create the life I want, and it all happens.

When people tell me that so and so stole their partner from them, I internally question what was really going on for that to happen. What in their relationship went so sour that it got to that point? Furthermore, I don’t believe that anyone can ever be “stolen” from someone else. If they are yours, if they are the one you are meant to be, your love will endure, there will be no question, and that’s it. It has nothing to do with ownership over someone else, more to do with ownership of your self. Personal responsibility and taking ownership of the fact that you have a certain pull or attraction about your person, it’s your energy, your vibe, your way of being, this is what keeps your life the way it is.

As soon as you start changing your mind on things, start changing your life, your energy will change too, and it’s all okay. The things and people and places that were a part of your life before the change that are truly there and in accordance to the vibe you are giving off, will stay, and the ones that no longer jive will drop off, fade away and this is all okay.

What is mine will always be mine. What is yours will always be yours. When you feel that sense of competition, remember this, as nothing that is yours can be taken away, because it wasn’t yours in the first place, and that is okay.

Solving Problems

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Solving problems, and diving deeper is something that I enjoy doing, immensely. Sometimes, it is hard for me to only listen without offering possible solutions or suggestions on how to make things easier or how to navigate situations that may arise that I can forsee.

I understand the importance of holding space for someone to share what is going on, and I appreciate that. I also like to then discuss possible outcomes if certain moves are made. This is the same when someone is venting. I want to help them move through what is going on to a better situation, a better place, a better state of mind and space.

When I am upset sometimes I just want to be heard, I will work out the options myself, seek out stories that might illustrate the path I am looking to take, or may specifically ask questions of people who I think I know would know. When solutions are offered up before i am ready to receive them it almost feels like I am not being “heard” enough.

Perhaps I also need to take this on board and find a transitionary statement, or stage in the conversation that easily flows into solutions without feeling like the point of pain has been cut short. Perhaps I ought to ask if I can offer solutions, or what if we brainstorm to find pathways to positive outcomes.

The next thing I think of, is that perhaps, I really am suited better to writing my thoughts in one coherent piece of writing than to be in an open dialog situation with someone face to face. Perhaps I really am better on paper, in black and white, in this specific sort of way.

So if I am looking for a solution of how to solve this, I guess I could seek feedback from those I’ve been in conversations with to gauge how I have done in supporting them and helping them get a sense of forward motion. Perhaps I can read a bit more into coaching and best ways to do it when dealing with emotions. Perhaps I can just listen and let that be enough when I am face-to-face.

Finding solutions that are win-win for everyone involved always appeal to me. I want to somehow share this in a way where others can also find this kind of balance, so we can all move forward together as peacefully as possible.

Indulgence

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Some days are simply meant for indulging. Today has been one of those glorious days. I have pampered myself with a soak in the bath, eaten delicious food that is usually considered my some times food which included an amazing baked camembert and garlic tiger bread loaf, romped around and had an amazing time with my husband, and generally had a low key, lazy day and it’s been fabulous.

The beauty of this day in particular is that it happens to fall on a weekend. It just so happens that my husband is home. It just so happens that the weather was grey and not inviting for hanging outside. It was a lovely inside autumn day and I am so thankful that we were able to take advantage of it.

When working with someone else’s schedule, it’s a lot harder to go with the feeling of the day. When deadlines are looming or you have to be inside the office like most people working 8 to 5, Monday through Friday, you don’t get to indulge in how you feel very often. It’s interesting, it’s like we have to squish it down and put on the hard hat and go in no matter how we feel, unless of course you are really sick, you are there. The days of indulgence are partial, a short 4 hour window after work ends and bed time begins, or the 2 days on the weekend, but that is it.

Somehow we’ve all agreed that this way of working 5 days on and 2 days off is okay. That it’s more important to work for someone else doing what they want, than to spend time building your own family and your own business. I see it as freedom, and the lifestyle of the truly rich who are able to have the flexibility to work when they want.

Hedonism always comes to mind when I think of indulging, and being a bit hedonistic is fine, everything in moderation. Perhaps if we didn’t have these obligations in place where we are expected to be someplace and need to go in order to have money to live and provide for others, then maybe people would just waste away. I’d like to think that if people didn’t have that obligation, then instead they would use their time and creativity to solve problems in the world, to learn how to love more deeply, and give back in other ways.

If learning to listen to ourselves is a big block in being self directed, it would make sense because we have been taught and have learned so well to fit into a schedule created by someone else. It starts from school, and then goes into the labour force, all Monday through Friday from about 8am until 4 or 5pm. This is the life schedule of working for someone else for most people in the western world.

I have a strong feeling, based on my own experience, that once that habit of fitting into someone else’s schedule has been broken, a new thought pattern will arise, naturally. Then it’s a prime opportunity to create a better, more empowered version of life that one can take ownership. Perhaps this would simply be because it’s easier to listen to your own wants and needs when the other is no longer being enforced.

These indulgent days are so needed. Time to recharge, reenergise, and rest always brings about new energy to keep moving forward and pursuing what is important in life.

Resistance and Steven Pressfield

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In “The War of Art” Steven Pressfield discusses Resistance with a capital R as the nemesis to actually doing and creating the work you are meant to create. I’m about half way through the book, which I mostly read after bub has gone to bed at night, or in the precious private moments I have in the bathroom. Funny that I would take a book that will obviously have a profound impact about how I create, into the loo. I have to laugh about this.

If I look at the bathroom as a metaphor, it is the place of letting go of what is no longer needed. How amazingly appropriate is it that I would be reading a book about overcoming, moving past, letting go of the resistance, the constipation, the delay of the next stage, in the bathroom, specifically on the toilet. This is incredibly amusing to me. It fits my life so well too.

He talks about how we will enlist people in our lives who are living out our unfulfilled lives as a way to not do the work ourselves. As I spoke to a dear friend of mine last night, she was telling me about a book she is writing along with the short stories she has submitted for recognition and money. She is taking a self publishing course, and has a writing coach. I could hear her enthusiasm and I felt happy that she was doing this, and I have full faith that he will do well with this. She is dedicated to the cause, she gets in there, and is a highly ambitious person. Her partner is also a creative guy and both hold regular hours in jobs that are meaningful for them.

As I was taking in what she was telling me, I immediately realised that she was living out an unlived life of mine. One that I have kept secret more or less, in the way that I don’t go about saying “I’m a writer” and “I’m writing a book”. Although when I returned from living in Brazil, I did say just that, but partly because my ego was so hurt and I felt like I needed to have something to say that I did. Honestly I was writing a lot in the form of journal entries or blog posts, but it never fully eventuated. Oh boy that feeling sucks. When you’ve then told people you are doing something and then it doesn’t happen for whatever reason, or doesn’t happen as fast as anyone thinks it will. I would like to avoid that feeling as much as possible, so I don’t say things like that now. Instead I quietly keep it to myself.

So I didn’t mention to my friend that I have been regularly posting on my blog again. I didn’t mention again that it’s a goal of mine to publish work that matters to me and I hope that will positively influence people in the world. I didn’t mention any of this. I did have fear arise. I thought what if she writes about my own personal life, she knows so much and my life is so rich.

This makes me baulk at the idea now, its’ still could happen, but I don’t think she would jeopardise our friendship like that by telling my story from her lens, or at least I hope she wouldn’t’. It did however, spur fear into me. Fear is another form of Resistance. Fear stops us from succeeding even before beginning. Fear is the bedfellow of failure and I recognised it straight away. So what am I to do?

The natural competitiveness in me started to rise, I could feel it. I then thought what if I also start writing short stories and submitting them for recognition and money. Then I felt bad, because I only know of the idea because of her. That is also fear, that is fear of success before it even happens. I must move past this and recognise that it is again Resistance in the form of Fear.

Next the fire inside of me started to burn and said, WRITE MORE! Get your story out. Keep writing, continue to make this a habit just as I have my meditation practice, just as I have made it a habit to have a pot of tea with my husband in the morning. Create the habit.

The point of all this is that I can see Resistance in so many areas of my life, and now that I can identify it, I can and will do something about it. Steven Pressfield then goes on to say that if you hold your regular hours of writing, and your muse will show up there. I have found that if I wait until late at night, I am too tired, so I need to make it in the morning while my husband looks after bub. The thing is if I commit to saying I will do this every single day no matter what and something arises, then I will have more Resistance. So for now, I will just continue to commit to writing as of I have lately and let Resistance lose its’ power.

Share My Merits

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Lately when I have been meditating I have been creating a focus specifically about acting on ways where I can share my merits with others. I am keen to contribute to the growth and the support of others so that they can grow in beneficial ways and in ways that I can help.

Throughout my life I have had the opportunity of massive growth, of personal reincarnation again and again, of reinventing myself, of being the phoenix that rises from the ashes, of being my own hero on my own hero’s journey time and again. All of these evolutions, all of these insights, lessons, and developed awareness is ripe for the process of using it to help others. Absolutely ripe. I want to, I will, I must help others be their best selves too. It’s a constant process and I know it intimately.

When I was a little girl I would always end my prayers with “and please help me be the best person I can possibly be.” Now that I am an adult I have internalised that and now add to help me share my merits with others. So it shall be.

Meditation, My beginnings

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Meditation has been something I’ve done since 2008, so a good 8 years now. I started out with teaching myself how to meditate while living in Sao Paulo, Brazil. I would lay down, with ear plugs in, and focus on one word, and then just keep going back to it it. This was effective and was a great start.

Vipassana was introduced into my world in early 2009 when I ended up staying about 2 months at the Vipassana Centre in North Fork, California. I had returned from Brazil and was seriously needing to find my own centre, funny that North Fork just happens to be the exact centre of California too. All so very fitting. In Vipassana, specifically in a 10 day silent meditation course, you think of nothing. For the first 3 days you focus only on your breath, narrowing it down the little triangle under your nose. Then for the next 7, the whole practice is scanning the body from head to toe, toe to head, and spending time on the painful/hard/heavy places before moving on. Then the very last 24 hours, Metta gets introduced which is like the salve after doing this major work. Jetta is all about loving kindness. The best way I found for practicing Metta was to focus on myself being vibrant, healthy, in a place that I have been, or an imagined state of being where I am full of happiness. After I really feel that, then I would think about others in the same way, imagining them full of health, being so vibrant, and with the biggest smiles ever. I would think about Goenka the teacher, I would think of dear friends, I would think about family, and then people I have had challenges with in the same light, then I would think of people I have seen but have never actually spoken to, because loving kindness extends to everyone always. It’s a lovely practice. When doing it all together in a single “sit” you start for a few minutes on your breath, then move to scanning the body as the bulk of the practice, then at the end a few minutes of Metta. Any time the mind wanders, just bring it back, always bring it back. We would sit like this for hours on end for days at a day. Overall I have sat more than 50 days in silence like this, and have served on courses where I have meditated 6 or more hours a day while serving others. It was the ultimate reset and what I needed. I did the majority of this kind of meditation from 2009 until 2011 when I had moved to Australia.

I have kept the scanning part of Vipassana very much with me even if I haven’t sat in the centre, it just became a way of life, even though I certainly never sat the two hours a day they recommend after leaving. That was too much for me outside of the centre world.