Seriously I am not meant to be a single parent. Specifically, I am certainly not meant to be a person who has to solely look after another person who is dependent upon them. It is too much. Add to that the additional tasks of looking after elderly people and I am at a breaking point. I literally broke down in tears as I just couldn’t do any more. There’s a thing where I can hold it all together to a point. Then it will be something minor that is the straw that breaks the camels back. Today it was the criticism of too much salt in the meals I have been making after I was some how given the task of being the meal creator for everyone else along with myself and my little person. I am stretched too thin as it is. Not having family support due to geographic location and the rest of the family not being so family oriented, leaves the whole raising of the child to the parents. Then when one parent is away, it’s just that one person. Then to add more to that workload, it’s too much. Too much.

Also people forget what it’s like to have their first child. They also forget what it’s like to have only one child. It’s a big freaking deal. No one else occupies their time, no one else plays with them, it’s all left to me. It’s all, every thing, left to me. We have had a demi pair in the past and that has helped to alleviate that, but at the farm that isn’t the case. Everyone is so stretched here, and that is just the way of land, but now, for me at this stage of my life, it’s more than I can handle.

Exhale. This is me venting. It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m also so frustrated that I can’t fix the issues here, I don’t have the money right now to afford a million dollar property to help everyone out. I don’t have the means and it’s so frustrating. I feel like it’s all slipping away and I’m too taxed personally to do anything about it. Also being at the beginning stages of making a family it’s at odds with being at the beginning stages of building a grand fortune. I chose to have a baby with intention. I chose to have a baby so that I can experience this, so that I am there with the child. I don’t want to give that experience away to someone else, that isn’t what I want in my life. The solution isn’t just to send the baby to daycare so that I can work a full time job and bring in income and then see my baby for maximum 3 hours of wake time a day. It’s fucking bullshit. I am not doing that, I am not doing it that way and it makes me feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to find another way. Sure getting another demi pair will help. that will alleviate some time, but for christ sakes, when I don’t have the money to pay the freaking person, then i get someone who isn’t really qualified and I don’t trust them. So I have to be on hand, with my ear out all the time anyway. I don’t know how to win at this right now without having the financial resources.

This post isn’t really about being a single parent, it’s really about being frustrated with the limitations in my life, the lack of income, and the additional load of looking after others. That’s what it’s about. It’s that I feel this life is out of our reach. It’s that I need to just let go of the idea of buying the farm because it’s not going to happen. How on earth would I magically get 1 million dollars and then how would I then have money to do anything with that land after that? It’s too much and I can’t do it.

My husband is away at the moment and looking after bub full time all day every day and night, when he is not sleeping, is really wearing on me. I need help and if I do have another person in looking after bub, i want them to be an actual au pair, and one that I don’t then also have to clean up after, because that’s bullshit too, exchanging looking after one person to then look after another. This doesn’t make sense.

Additional thought after venting and 15 minutes:

Now that I’ve had a moment, the thing is that the farm needs help. They need help to maintain the farm, to maintain the egg business, to maintain the processing business, and to maintain the animals. On top of that my husband’s parents also need help. They need help by someone cleaning up the house. They need help by someone cooking meals. They need help for my mother in law who will likely have to have a heart operation. They need help to look after my father in law who has parkinson’s. They need help anyway because they are in their 80s. I also need help as I have a small child and that seems so minor when looking at everything else here that needs help, but I need help too. I need to realise that the farm is not mine to fix. It is my mother in laws, and she always says that it is a family company so it’s everyone’s even though no one else seems to really care other than my husband and I. It’s not enough. I am not the superhero and I need to understand that my position in life right now is as a mother to a toddler and as a wife to a husband who works non-stop. This is what it is. This is where we are, this is where I am, and somehow I just need to accept this so i don’t get into these big emotional meltdowns about it all. I am too attached to it and without help myself I certainly cannot help the rest.

I guess selling the farm is the right move. Then my parents in law can afford the help they need. They can stop doing the egg business and just focus on this small property. They can have a single woofer to help them maintain the yards and garden, and then it’s done. Maybe it really is for the best. Sure the person who buys the rest of the land may very well build their new house directly in front of this house, and that would be there right and then the view would be lost, and in turn this last part of the land would lose its’ value, and you know what, that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Sure the person who buys the land might protest about having a chicken farm next to them, and it would be there right, and all of the money we have put into it would be for naught, and that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Maybe all of this has to be let go after all.