Nesting Much?

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They say that before you give birth there is this nesting phase that occurs. It may be hitting us a smidgen early, at least in the kitchen department. In the past two weeks we have now added a food processor, a slow cooker with three different dish sizes, an electric grater & slicer, a new glass toaster, and a some new knives. It’s like every gadget that is available and useful to make all things kitchen easier have now been added into our lives.

Learning how to use all of these it’s it’s own process and today I’m learning via experience on how to use the slow cooker. My first meal should be ready within the next couple of hours and is Mexican inspired. I love Mexican food and am grateful that it has finally become trendy enough here in Australia that I can get a lot (but not all) things that remind me of the goodness of the California Mexican cuisine I grew up with. I don’t always like to buy the premade versions of things though because I just never really know what some of those ingredients are, and of course I know that if I did actually make it myself I could create a huge savings, which brings a strange sense of satisfaction like I’m one upping the premade guys.

I love the idea of doing something once, turning it on, knowing that it’s all going to be okay and not burn, and then have a meal ready at dinner time. This is very exciting to me. I know that once the baby comes along we will need to truly maximize our time efficiently and this seems like a sure fire way to get into gear to cut down on time in the kitchen. Honestly I don’t really like to spend much time in the kitchen anyway. I do have a strong penchant for healthy, tasty, fresh, and wholesome foods, so by that very nature I am wind up in the kitchen more than I would like just so I can eat well. It’s also super important to me to be able to provide healthy meals to my husband. Obviously this is naturally extending to the family we are growing as well.

Another kitchen gadget that I’ve gone on a test run with today is the food processor with the skinny grating option. WHOA! Can I just say that I finely shredded 500 grams of cheese in less than a minute and it’s lovely, light, and smells divine! We’ve been buying shredded cheese in packets at the supermarket lately to save on time, but it’s always a little weird. I know they add some kind of anti-caking substance to it, so I assume that’s why, but there was no way that I was going to really grate by hand all that cheese, it just wasn’t going to happen. So the freshly grated cheese with the Mexican inspired slow cooked meal should be a winner tonight on this winter evening.

All of this is just practice and conscious habit forming to prepare us, to prepare me for the very near future. I embrace it. I certainly would never have guessed that I’d be so excited about kitchen gadgets as I am. Interestingly it kinda goes with every other thing in my life right now that I would not have predicted ten years ago. So wild how it changes, but I love it.

The Name Game

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What’s in a name? Is it the name that makes the person or is it the person who makes the name? Does the vibration of the name really matter? Does the numerology really play an important role in that vibration? Does giving a child an “older” name weigh heavily on them? Does having a name that starts with an “A” automatically make them first to be called up and hence more available for leadership?

When we thought we might have a girl, we had already decided on a name that we both liked and that we felt could be a part of our life easily. However, now that it’s certainly a boy, that task has become a paramount effort! We’ve sat with these names so far: Alister, Alec, Riley, Theodore/Teddy, Abraham/Abe, Apollo and are still looking. I love when the name has some kind of significance. Would naming our child after Abraham Lincoln who was one of the greatest American Presidents who abolished slavery and forever changed the history of my homeland too big of a name to step into? Or would it lead to inspiration because Abraham Lincoln was such a stand out character and led his life with such high integrity?

My hope is that we will raise this child in a way that he is confident in who he is, regardless of his name. That he will be creative, generous, kind, strong, and gentle. That he will be a mixture of both my husband’s characteristics, mine, and of his as he develops them himself. That he will carve out his own sense of self in this world and be uniquely who he is. Inspiration comes from all areas of life and can also come from the name that one is given at birth.

It’s amazing how different it is to think about boy’s names versus girl’s names. There is a sense of weight that seems to be involved that wasn’t with the girl names. Is it because I had a father who developed a very tough shell in part because his name was a typical girl’s name? Honouring that “boy named Sue” complex that Johnny Cash famously sang about. Perhaps there is a sense of importance based on a name given as to what they will do in the world and how they will impact it.

Hopefully this name will come along and become apparent that it is the name of this being growing inside of me.

The Love Glow

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I appreciate my body, I appreciate the way that I look, I am super grateful that I have such a nice physical structure and appearance. It’s hard to say this to other people without feeling like I’m coming off as being stuck on myself, or conceited. This hasn’t necessarily been the easiest turn of events to get to this stage though. Through the head on collision, I was transformed as I had to build myself from what felt like the ground up. I had to rework my own sense of self, the perception of who I was, which definitely included how I looked from outside as well as inside.

Having to rebuild myself was likely the best blessing I’ve ever had in my life. It is one that has forever changed the course of my life because I now have well and truly fallen in love with who I am inside and outside. It hasn’t been an easy road, and I certainly would not recommend getting into a major car accident to achieve these results, but since I have I can clearly see the silver lining in it all.

Since I now I have a true love for my own self, I then attracted that in the outside world in the form of the most amazing, loving, supportive partner, who is now my husband. Since I now have that true love for myself, I allowed the possibility of us bringing a child into this world, something that I was not keen on earlier in life. Since I cultivated this deep sense of love for me, I have discovered how truly feminine I am and that I don’t have to necessarily shed off the protective masculine exterior way of being in the world that served me so well while working years climbing the corporate ladder. It’s like I get to take that fierceness, that ambition and now apply it to all of my life rather than focusing just on career. It’s brilliant. It’s working wonders for me as well.

After the car accident, which I’ll nicely refer to as the “divine intervention”, I had a series of different people helping me recover – facial doctors, general doctors, surgeons, physical therapists, acupuncturists, massage and bowen therapists, therapists, and of course a psychologist. The psychologist was very helpful for many reasons, but one of which is she reminded me of the importance of getting ready every day, even if there wasn’t anything scheduled. What a boost this is and has become a mainstay of my life. I enjoy the process of getting ready, of adorning my body with beautiful clothes that make me feel good, with doing my hair, moisturizing my skin, putting on makeup, it feels great.

Coupling the good feeling of getting ready and being prepared for whatever the day brings, along with this sense of true love for myself, and now the corresponding love from my husband, as well as the love that is being mutually exchanged with this baby growing inside of me and I have become an incredibly attractive woman. I look at myself quite objectively when I say this and also when I look in the mirror, because all of this is what it is in this moment and is destined to change. I just truly appreciate the amount of love that I have in all of these areas and how that love is made manifest by creating this beautiful glow of femininity. This is the stage where I wish everyone was able to cultivate this kind of overflowing love because being bright and shiny feels oh so good.

Embracing the Feminine

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For so much of my life I have been rather yang, strong, masculine, directed. Even when I haven’t been attached to a corporate job, I’ve taken on my life like it’s been a serious role. I have been incredibly direct, ambitious, hard headed, and overt. I had a challenging childhood which is actually classified as being traumatic, and I’ve come to peace with it. Thankfully I have been hard like this because I needed to be in order to do things differently from the life I had been born into.

Now that I am pregnant and expecting my first child later this year, the more feminine side of me, the yin, the softer, gentler, more subtle aspects of me are starting to emerge. Starting may be an understatement because there are days where it feels more like a crashing tide of change where the feminine is taking the space. I have never felt more beautiful, or more like a woman, or more like this incredibly powerful being as I do right now.

I can only imagine that this gets stronger as I get closer to giving birth, and even moreso after I actually am caring for this child that has been created out of love. Having experienced what it’s like to be very yang, and now embracing the yin and the feminine side of who I am, I know this will equip me to the best and whole person, mother, partner, citizen, being that I can possibly be. I recall that when I was younger my prayers always ended with “and please help me to be the best person I can possibly be”. Having that thought, coupled with the action I have taken in my life to accomplish this and it’s all happening. I am that.

The feminine energy is so lovely too. When my husband and I were first dating I told him very clearly (in a super yang way) that I needed him to hold the masculine space because I needed to hold the feminine space. I knew I needed it, and that was the first time where I actually voiced it so clearly. What a blessing that I was able to recognise that. By having my husband hold that yang space, it allowed me to develop my own yin, feminine space and because of this we have both benefited greatly by becoming our whole selves.

I am going to be an amazing mother. I am an amazing wife and partner. We will create such an amazing and creative family and I am thrilled to be on this journey. I embrace the feminine with who I am and allow it to help me grow in ways that I haven’t yet experienced, for the good of all.

Learning through Experience

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I often say that the only way I know anything or have learned anything in life is because I have experienced it myself, first hand. This is how I operate in the world. I need to do something on my own, with my own hands, using my own body, with my own thoughts, in whatever environment I am in, so that I can learn and be in it to gain from it what it is. I am like a sponge in that respect, I take it all in, everything I can around me – the people, the smells, the culture, the overall feel of the energy around and I do my best to find myself amongst it all.

Since I definitely have some empath kind of traits where I take on the feelings of those around me, accompanied with the understanding that this is how I learn, I have found myself in many bizarre situations. I have learned so much about life and about what I want based on what I don’t want, which has been based on my own personal experience!

Perhaps this is also why when I’m in a new situation or environment that I am so open hearted and open minded when I am there. I embrace it all and then sort it out. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just learn by others stories, which I do to an extent, but truly, the deep learning for me is in the doing. It always has been.

 

Tap Dancing on my G-Spot

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This feels wildly inappropriate for me to share outside of with my husband but I’m doing it anyway. The baby that is growing inside of me (at 21 weeks now) is sitting very very low. So low that it feels like he is constantly tap dancing on my bladder. This baby is definitely a mover and shaker and is constantly on the go, already, full of energy and activity.

Recently in the last few days, the tap dancing, has been the feeling that I get when my g-spot is being stimulated! I’ll be sitting having a conversation and all of a sudden get the feeling like I’ve just been flicked constantly in a spot that is typically all about pleasure! Today I was walking through the grocery store and it was wild! Let me be clear that it isn’t like concentrated, rhythmic rubbing of the special spot, but like flicks, which must be kicks or kung fu fighting moves being practiced inside here!

Since I am clearly aware that all things in life change and that is the nature of our existence, I am just trying to enjoy it while it is like this. My husband and I made the most of it today and all I can say is that maybe this little guy is like a wingman at the moment.

Yes, totally and completely inappropriate, but it’s what it is!

Amazing Women

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Consistently in awe

of the amazing women

whom I happen to know

whom I share this journey

in some way,

around the globe.

They are fearless

vulnerable

real

progressive

inherently gorgeous beings.

These women consistently inspire

me, others, everyone…

their butterfly effect is massive

their ripples of truth create tides.

I believe that we are all reflections

so if I can see that they are this

and hold that space for them

because I want to, because I’m compelled

my space is also held

my light is also shown back to me

and we all grow and evolve.

It’s all SO beautiful.

 

Surrendering to Death (and Life)

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All things change. It is the nature of this existence, of impermanence. In the process of change, it is necessary for things to “die” so that new things can emerge. In the same vein that the phoenix rises from it’s ashes, from the fire, from death, to be this glorious and powerful being. Death is just a part of the life cycle.

Without change, with the passing of things, the passing of stages of life, the passing of who we were, it would not be possible to fully embrace who we are meant to be, who we are in this moment, who we will eventually evolve into. It’s really a beautiful process. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I do believe that within this one physical life that I am in right now, I have had many different “lives” all of which had a death, so that I could emerge into my new “life”. It’s very poetic and creative to me. I can’t see past what I don’t know, what I haven’t experienced myself. I can read up, I can imagine, I can listen to others, but in the end, it is from my own personal journey that I learn about life, about existence, about myself, about others, about life, and about death.

Surrendering to death at this moment feels essential. The death of who I was is quickly approaching. I feel like it’s been happening, that old version of me has been dying a not-so-gradual death. From the moment that I got married I felt a surge of new life. From that moment in that extreme rush, it was made possible because I surrendered and let myself go to the next level, I let the old fearful version of who I was go, in favour of the divine love and growth that I am intended.

In that big day of surrender, of death, we actually created life. As in we conceived our child that is growing inside of my body right now as I type and think about this topic. All of which was so easy to do, all of which was so natural because we let go of the fear, I let go of the fear I had held onto for countless years of not being good enough, not being worthy, not feeling like I could be a good wife, or a good mother… it was all fear, and it was about time that I FINALLY LET IT GO!

What a blessing it was to give into that death. Sometimes death comes much more rapidly, instantly, like when I had the car accident, in a moment life changed. I absolutely prefer the gentle lessons approach of gradual and conscious change with full intention and full awareness of what is happening. It feels more natural, it feels real, it brings joy, and feels really good. Gradual death to breath in new life with the right nourishment and the right amount of space is unlike any other.

In this process of now being a wife, and soon being a mother, I feel that the old version of me is dying so quickly. I appreciate that I was that person, those people, over all of those different chapters and I can only look back with gratitude but only for a moment because the truth in life, the truth in the moment, the joy, the love, is in this moment. Who knows how many more deaths I will experience in this life, but I do hope that they continue to be infused with an abundance of health, happiness, joy, and love. Thus far I’ve been so lucky in my life and I can only expect that this pattern will continue, especially from now moving forward.

Soon we will be living in our new house, living in the life we are setting up for us to be parents, to grow ourselves and our family. This brings me so much joy that I can hardly contain it. It makes me feel really blessed that I have died enough to get to this stage. I’m also still gestating and working on a project that will launch later this year as well, a program to help women change their love patterns. I can feel that I am dying here too, letting go of the fear of if I’m not knowledgeable enough, or whatever perfectionist tendencies I have had with it. This will also take on that phoenix story arch and I will rise about and lead the way with my fire, my light, all born out of the ashes of my past. It’s all so beautiful.

So here’s to death! Here’s to moving forward! Here’s to embracing life in ways that the “old version” would not have been able to! Here’s to the Joy that growth and change can bring!

Sex and Gender?

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Perhaps I’m still trying to decide or decipher between the difference between sex and gender. I mostly see past these terms and see people as just people, which is likely why I accept homosexuality in such an easy way. We love who we love, we are who we are, we are constantly changing, we are souls housed in human bodies and we get to live on this physical plane experiencing life day to day in a tangible way.

People are very quick to tell me why I shouldn’t find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I are keen to find out though. Not for the reason to choose blue or pink or other stereotypical things, but more because it will aid in the bonding process. Also, it’s nice to be able to plan. Sure, we can’t plan everything, but at least I can visualise and start to dream about it in a more solidified way. Granted that in next week’s ultrasound where we can find out the sex, there is a possibility that we won’t, and even so that they may be wrong about it.

The sex of this baby will not necessarily inform their gender, although it might. It may have an influence on how they grow up in society, but ultimately it is up to them to choose who they are and what they want to be. We are just the parents, the ones who are to look after them until they are ready to venture out on their own. We are the ones who will lead them to the knowledge that we’ve discovered, but allow them to find out and discover and make up their own minds about things, about everything. This is true whether this baby inside of me is a boy or a girl. It doesn’t really matter. We’ll be happy with either, we just have faith that it’ll be healthy and will naturally bring joy with it. I know that we’ll also experience joy and love in ways that neither my husband nor I could have imagined. I know that all of this extraordinary change will happen regardless of what kind of genitals they are born with.

 

There’s Something Inside of Me

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It is the weirdest and simultaneously awesome experience to feel a little human being formed inside of my own body. I’m now at 19 weeks and the movement inside from this baby is constant! Especially when I am sitting down, I feel it tip tapping, stretching, moving, rolling, I’m not sure really what’s going on in there, but A LOT is obviously occurring. If this is any indication of what life will be like for this baby, my guess is that it will have heaps of energy! Naturally I have a lot of energy myself which has definitely declined in an outward way since being pregnant, so I must assume that the baby is getting all of it! It is good that I have an abundance and can freely share!

A few days ago I felt, what seemed like constant movement, for the first full day. Honestly, I was trying to get some stuff done and I found it distracting! Then I felt bad for finding it distracting, but now I just laugh about it. Maybe I’m getting used to it? Maybe now I feel it but realise it’s not something to be worried about and I can carry on with what I’m doing.

I do take time to spend with my belly and this baby inside. I also take time to spend with my husband and have him touch and even talk to the baby through my belly. I’d be stretching it if I didn’t say it was slightly awkward, but I think it’s good. It feels like a nice bonding for this process of rapid growth for all of us. I know soon enough my husband will be able to feel the movements in my belly too and I look forward to sharing it with him as best I can.

It is a constant reminder that I am taking part in the divine process of creation. I have a sign that I made earlier this year that reads “Create Daily” and suffice to say, I think that by the nature of what is happening whilst gestating, that I am fulfilling this goal.