Creating Family

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I was just overcome with the amount of excitement and joy that I have about creating my own family. I never thought that this was in my future and now that it is, it brings tears to my eyes. I didn’t expect that I would start to feel this way, that I would really want to have my own family, my own children, my own husband, creating our world.

To essentially create my own tribe with the people I love the very most even if they aren’t born yet. I get to create our own little dip in the world, our own version of life. I get to share the love that I have, I get to experience their love, I get to expand into this amazing gift of life. It feels like the only real thing that matters right now, creating a loving space for my husband, myself, and our soon-to-be child, and possibly children.

This would not be happening had I not found and seized the moment with my husband. He is the most amazing person and it is with his love and support that I feel like this can happen, and that it is happening. I knew it really early on that he was the person I would spend my life with. I even slipped up and wrote that I knew he would be THE Great Love of my life, not A Great Love as I had intended when I started creating the card. It was so early on in our relationship, nearly three years ago when I wrote it and it’s completely turned out to be true.

This excitement of being able to create my own world with my husband feels so good. It’s hard to describe as I type, but I’m actually tearing up as I write this, it’s the kind of excitement that is so unknown, so deep, and so expansive. I feel blessed. I know I am going to make the most amazing mother. I know my husband is going to make the most amazing father. I know we will create the most amazing and loving family, and this makes me weep with joy.

I just never expected to feel this way. I was so utterly against having children and getting married when I was younger. I am so glad that I have experienced life in such way, that it has changed my perspective on this completely. I wouldn’t change a single thing of the past, no matter how tumultuous, no matter how disorienting it was at times, because it’s from this journey that I have come to this revelatory place. My life is only getting better and better and I am so thankful.

Revolution, Evolution, Lessons

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I have a pattern of naively jumping into situations, hoping for the best, and just going for it. This has worked out really really well at many stages of my life. At other times it has gone drastically the other way. Nonetheless I learn an incredible amount of lessons about life, myself, other people, processes, and mostly, grow through the experiences which have helped me to evolve to the person I am now.

Jumping in is kinda like a revolution versus an evolution, but enough revolutions can also create an evolution, at least from my life stories, I find this to be a truth. Lots of sudden changes that create a lasting effect. This totally makes sense to me.

For instance, my latest Revolution has been becoming pregnant. Although my husband and I consciously went into this, as in we had conversations, said we wanted to create another life together, and we made divine love. This sounds like evolution, but the condensed time frame of me removing my contraceptive device and us expecting a child was so quick! I once heard that nothing in nature moves slow, and maybe this is the natural evolution of human life, my life, our life.

Now that I am pregnant and we are expecting our first child later this year, I feel like I am learning SO much about gestating and being healthy along the way in body, mind, and spirit. By the way this has been very important to me anyway, but now that there is literally someone who is completely and 100% affected by my actions, I am super aware of what I am doing and am making more responsible decisions as a whole.

I’m learning about different parenting methods and which ones jive the best. Prior to starting on this path we talked about having an Au Pair immediately to help with everything. Although that certainly isn’t ruled out, the more I learn about the importance of baby bonding the more the weight and responsibility of being a mother to a child comes in.

What I do and how I raise this child will have an impact upon myself, my husband, the child, our family and friends, the community, the world at large as the ripple effect of life happens. This thought, this HUGE thought is leading to a personal revolution within my mind, within my body, that I certainly did not see coming. Not only is it a constant thought on my mind, it is becoming more and more of a focus about how our lives will be.

With creating my own family, I literally have the ability to change the world by bringing and raising a whole human being. This feels like an incredible gift and opportunity for my own growth, the growth of my husband, the growth of our relationship, the growth of our child obviously as well. I’ve worked so hard to develop myself to be at this stage, and I feel so equipped to do my best to help create an environment where the child feels whole, safe, loved, cared for. I do this for myself, I do this for my husband, it’s what we have created, it’s what we consciously create.

It’s been by the crazy revolutions in my life that have lead to this stage of gestation with conscious love and all of a sudden I feel like I should be charging forth on a white stallion waving a flag of love, of honour, of connection. My promise, my duty as a parent bringing a child into this world, is that I will do my utmost to ensure that I am able to be there and provide for this dependent being so that it can then evolve and create it’s own revolutions.

 

Loving My Pregnant Body

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I cannot even begin to express the amount of adoration I have for my own body as it’s growing this human being inside of me. I LOVE the new curves I have, I LOVE the way that my belly is changing, I LOVE that my body is able to do all of this! I am in complete and utter awe that my human body is even capable of this and to witness it changing shape and growing, literally growing, is absolutely amazing. I truly am in awe.

After my shower this afternoon I decided to lather on some coconut oil to combat the dryness of winter here in Australia. Thankfully it isn’t too cold so I just air dried my body and watched how the winter’s sun came in through the window and illuminated my growing belly, I was glowing! All of the feminine goodness that I am right now is so very attractive to me! I love it. I absolutely love it.

What a gift and blessing to be able to experience this. I feel incredibly grateful.

There’s a Baby In There

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Last night as I lay in bed, I could actually feel the baby growing inside of me. I was on my back and it was clear that in one portion of my abdomen that there was something there, a semi-hard lump and it made me speechless.

I’ve been wanting to feel the baby move or something to let me know that it’s in there and for some reason I wasn’t expecting to be able to feel it with my hand before feeling it from inside, it took me by surprise. I’m just past 16 weeks now and in the past week I have grown a lot! It feels great and I’m so excited about this process!

Naturally I shared this experience with my husband and he felt it too. I’d like to think he was also as excited but he isn’t as free with words and emotions as I am at times. Although, funnily, this morning my sweater was so stretched that it was obvious that I am pregnant and I told him, look, this is all real! He laughed and was like, oh and the ultrasounds and the morning sickness didn’t make you realise? Funny enough, the visual image is what makes it feel very very real. Oh how I LOVE my body too! 🙂

Ratha Yatra Hinduism Festival

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My contact experience with Hinduism seems to be growing now in Western Sydney. Today we just happened to look up what was going on in the area and there just happened to be a Ratha Yatra festival happening nearby.

As soon as we parked and started walking towards the park where it was held, a parade processing was just starting! All the colours, the smiles, the dancing, happiness, symbols, drums, bagpipes, and chariots were enlivening! It was incredible! We were invited to dance along and be a part of the parade, which we did and danced in the streets for blocks and blocks! We helped pull the chariot along as part of the festival activities and I was overwhelmed with joy! It was all happiness, all good will, people holding hands, holding our hands, sharing in the event so freely!

Afterward there was a huge vegetarian feast completely free of charge and it was incredible! The thousand people or so all enjoyed the delicious homemade food while sitting in the park on this lovely sunny winters afternoon. It felt so good to be there and everyone genuinely looked like they were having a great time, the kiddos that were young, the teenagers, the adults, the young families, the elderly, it was incredible!

From the openness, the lack of judgement, the happiness, and good vibrations I’ve experienced at these Hinduism events, it certainly makes me feel very grateful that I no longer go to church and quietly sit in the pew hearing stories poured out like I did as a child and youth. Life is truly a celebration and I LOVED this experience today!

Energy Vampires

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There’s this feeling that comes along when you are talking with someone and they could care less if you are really listening, have anything to say, or what you think. It’s when someone already has what they will be saying next in their mind while you are talking instead of creating a flow of conversation. These people drain my energy in a big way.

I don’t always notice it straight away, but then when I do, I’m usually good about setting up my own boundaries and standing my ground to avoid them and to avoid the situations where I feel drained, depleted, or just frustrated afterward. Granted I do have A LOT of energy. I am lucky like that, but the reason that I do is because I have boundaries and I have ways of expressing myself, and know how to increase my energy levels on my own.

So for all the energy vampires out there… my boundaries are like garlic and a steel bullet… Steer clear from me.

Calling Someone Out

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I recently was in a situation where someone was painting a picture of themselves being the victim of the story they were telling. However, as the story went on, it became incredibly clear that the storyteller was more ego-hurt and being arrogant rather than a true victim of someone else’s deeds. I tried being subtle at first as I realised this and gave options of how to succeed in that situation moving forward. This didn’t go anywhere. Then eventually I said he was being a dick and that is why he was in that situation. Perhaps I could have had more tact, but I couldn’t figure out how to convey it in any other way that would have the cut-through needed for this person to actually hear it.

This leads me to question whether or not people really want to be called out or if they really are just looking for sympathy. I know myself some times I really just need some place to express myself, which is where HonestThoughts.com was born. I also write in my journal, I draw, I paint, I groom, I move my body, I meditate, there are many ways that I deal with my stuff.

However, I think I’ve come to realise that this person whom I do come into contact with regularly as we share a living space sometimes, could likely care less about any input I have. I am now looking at it like I am just being used for my energy so that this person feels significant or feels like they have some kind of power because other people listen to them. I have also learned recently that this person tells lies and bullshits on the regular, but I hadn’t understood this until the last few days. Do people to habitually lie realise they are doing it? Are they missing that emotional aspect where it is bad to lead people on like that?

Obviously I’m still sorting this out. It did feel really great to call him out on his shit. Perhaps I may do this more moving forward rather than just observing, witnessing and then keeping those people at a far enough distance away that they aren’t in my realm once I realise.

The Hero’s Journey

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Joseph Campbell has inspired me and the changes I’ve made in my life. So much so that back in 2007 or so when I first heard the idea of “Follow Your Bliss” that I held onto it as tight as I possibly could and made motions in every moment to do so, which in turn totally transformed my world. I was living in Brazil at that stage and so far from where I really needed to be and it was obvious. By choosing what felt the best at any given time, I slowly but surely created lasting change in my life. Thank Goodness!

Fast forward to 2010 and I was in a major car accident. I had just moved to Australia and was stopped in my tracks, a divine intervention really. Having nothing but time and space to heal, heal is what I did. I took the time to finally really dive into my own subconscious, learn about who I was, what I was doing, where I was going. I trained myself how to lucid dream, I kept a regular dream journal and analysed my dreams. I drew, painted, wrote, and expressed myself however I could within the healing space I was in. You see I wasn’t overly mobile at that time, so I had to work with what I had! I was living in a bus on an organic banana farm in the lovely village of Whian Whian in the Northern Rivers of New South Wales. The time there was right out of a storybook. Including a horse named Spirit whom I’d try to be friend while going to the nature loo, the outdoor compostable toilet which had a stunning view of The Channon area with it’s rolling hills and lushness.

Realising that I was far away from my doctors and community, I moved into the town of Lismore, after a  few months of living in Lennox Head with it’s healing Tea Tree water infused Lake Ainsworth. Lismore was fantastic. It is a creative hotbed and every walk of life can be seen there. Here I lived in a vegetarian meditation house on top of Girard’s Hill overlooking the whole town. There were koalas in the nearby lookout and it was what I needed in my next stage of healing.

In Lismore, I really dove into the Hero’s Journey. I had written it in the story arc with each stage and pasted it upon my wall. I studied it regularly. I would watch a film and dissect it based on the story steps. I noted that there always had to be a struggle that felt like against all odds it wouldn’t happen, and then a guide in some guise would appear, the struggle would have a climax and the Hero would triumphantly overcome the initial issue before returning better than ever to their regular life. I love how the story unfolded that way and I have always been keen to support the underdog.

I’m at a stage now where I am not sure if I embody the Hero’s Journey naturally and that is why I had to study it, or if I have studied it so much that my life now mirrors that. I understand the power of the thought and how it can influence and inform life in every aspect. I may naturally be the Hero, full on. With the amount of adversity and resiliency of overcoming the obstacles in my life, I sure feel like I am the Hero. Perhaps I just understand the process better and can identify it. Either way there is no coincidence that it came into my life in such a major way and that it still stays with me so strongly.

However, at this point, I’m ready to just have the easier way now. I’m ready for the smooth and easy sailing part which doesn’t have bam, bam, bam excitement left and right. Not that I’m asking for some dull ride through life, not at all. It’s just that I’m about to bring a child into this world, into my existence, and I want to just enjoy it rather than feel like I’m always overcoming some battle. This year alone has been a constant battle with major positive highlights too, like getting married; going on our lovely honeymoon at the Great Barrier Reef; conceiving a child. It’s certainly been clear that I’ve had a lot of challenges too, like setting and enforcing boundaries with joint venture partners; dealing with immigration issues between two different countries and still not having resolution; feeling every bit of joy, happiness, pain, and discomfort that comes with being pregnant in my mid-thirties, all the while creating a unique business that will solely be online to help women.

I love and admire the Hero’s Journey and I will always have my own personal stories to reflect upon. I am just ready for that feeling of “Ease” to take over, at least for a while.

Creative Fodder

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I recently heard something along the lines that a person has enough creative fodder accumulated by the time they reach 20 years old to last a lifetime. If this is true, then I have enough for multiple lifetimes.

If writing is all about sharing what you feel and how you are experiencing life and being human, how could it possibly stop at age 20? By the age of 20 I feel like I had already had at least four distinctly different lives. By now at age 34, countless more “lives” I have lived.

This makes me feel compelled to continue to put things on paper, and share what I think and what happens in my life. Maybe sharing more of the what actually happens, rather than my emotional interpretation of it could be helpful. Who knows. Sometimes, I read back on my poetry and am honestly not sure who the other person really was. Sometimes I wonder if that really matters in the grand scheme of things.

 

The Spiritual Mom

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At 13 weeks,

I became completely and utterly filled with joy

with excitement,

that I –

I Will Be A Mom.

Words cannot explain how truly excited I am about this stage of life.

For all the searching for what was spiritual,

for all the experiences I’ve had that have been totally connected,

where i have been enveloped in the beautiful flow of life,

for all of the love and unity that I’ve known before now…

It’s been so real, it’s been so surreal.

It’s been my personal journey.

Now, with my baby growing inside of me, conceived out of true love,

I feel a sense of connection and oneness and spirituality in a deeper, more expansive way than ever before.

Without a doubt this baby, this stage of life of being a mother, and being a wife, will forever change who I am, and I openly embrace it. I know that I will experience growth in ways that I cannot even imagine at this moment and I feel so ready.

I’ve never felt so ready for anything in my life.

It’s because of all the work I’ve done on myself. It’s because I finally fell in love with who I really am. It’s because I found my own strength. All of these revelations led me to meet my soul mate, my amazing and supportive husband. I could not, I would not, do this on my own. Two whole people coming together feels so secure, feels so delicious. I would only do this with him and together our love can create anything, I’ve known this and I’ve seen this, but now I actually get to grow this inside of me.

I love that this is so very the right time. I love that I am ready. I love that life changes and I’ve found such an amazing love. I love that now we get to experience it at it’s next level. So very blessed.