Somewhere Along the Way

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Somewhere along the way I grew jaded. I mean that has to be the reason right? The reason I am questioning so much after spending so much of my time in this way of thinking. That I would devote so much time and energy into the thought and lifestyle of “following my bliss”. I curated the thoughts in my head, I used mantras, I cut out people from my life, and even would steer away from friends who had gotten sick because they must not have been aligned for something to go wrong, right?

I’ve always been an optimistic person and I’ve always been one to dive right in, and this stage of my life was no different. I had been living in Brazil and was totally lost, I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be and was searching for clarity. I was trying anything and everything and even fasted for about a month on just water with alternating days where I would drink some coconut water or some sugar cane juiced with lime. I taught myself to meditate and would create art for arts sake to see what was going on. This was all back in 2007-2008 and the internet was really just starting to kick off there weren’t a lot of resources like you can find now about all of these topics, so I just kinda figured it out as I went along. A sort of friend of mine said that he had been reading Joseph Campbell and in a short email exchanged mentioned the term “follow your bliss” and I grabbed ahold of it with all of my might.

I made posters with that wonderful phrase and hung them on my dingy apartment wall overlooking one of the busiest street intersections in Sao Paolo. I scribbled in my journals, and I meditated with it in mind, hoping to figure out what that actually meant and how I could use it to help my situation. One day at a friends ranch in the countryside, we ate some “Hawaiian babies” which were seeds from one of the plants in the yard. I had broken my fast by taking them and drinking watermelon blended up, a strange way of ending it, but I got the clarity I needed. I wasn’t a very good guest that weekend, I scribbled in my journal, I drew the fabulous magical plants around me and I came to realise that for me to follow my bliss meant that at any given time I needed to do what felt best to me, even if that meant being anti-social and completely doing my own thing, which I did. I had so many realisations that weekend while I was off my head and it certainly was an awakening of sorts.

Eventually after I was back in the US after my escape from Brazil, yes it was like an escape, but I’ll write more about that later, but after I was back in my home country I was even more lost than before. Familiar people, familiar places, familiar smells, but none of it felt fully like home. Yes I snuggled and cried and danced and swam and stomped through the snow in my beloved Yosemite, and did think about returning for another round, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t the same, I was a different persona and I needed more than I knew how to get there. I continued to listen to the writing on the wall or take tips from people to heart, and one gave me a tip about a meditation centre nearby, one that had been there the entire time I lived in Yosemite but never knew about.

I spent time at this meditation centre and there’s more to this story too, but I’ll share more about that later. I will say that it was another one of those times where I met the right people at the right time, and forged friendships that would definitely support that stage of my life. I had learned about the power of manifesting along the way by writing down what I wanted and watching it unfold. I noticed this happen again and again and again. I also felt like it was contrived and I came to the point where I actually wanted to be surprised and let go of trying to be the master of my universe. I have still used that over the years though because I know the power of my words and the strength of my mind can cause tremendous change in my life and those around me. It sounds like a god complex kind of thing but it wasn’t, or maybe it was? Is this the heaven on earth scenario just a bit manufactured? Who knows. There are always questions.

So fast forward and I got into head on collision and I was fully into that mode of thought of Law of Attraction where what I think becomes, and was certain that I had created this crazy accident in some far-fetched way because I wasn’t on the path I needed to be on, so the Universe not so gently helped me correct course. Okay, I accepted that and it made sense. Maybe that’s the biggest part of all of this line of thinking, we always want everything to make sense, I always want to put everything into some neat little informational package so that all the pieces fit together, to tie up loose ends and ensure that it all flows so I can continue moving on to the next thing.

When my very complicated pregnancy came around, I did try to change my thoughts, I did try to manage my vibration but sure enough I couldn’t do it well enough, if looking through that lens, and had extended hospital stays, prescribed pain killers, and an emergency cesarean of my baby two months too soon, followed by an intense section of life of the emotional hell that is the NICU. I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to handle the way it happened. I felt that I had failed in my own way of thinking and had surmised to this weaker state of mind which allowed all of the heartache and pain to happen. I didn’t want to share pictures of my child that would normally be joyous of his first days because to me he looked like an alien in a clear box with all kinds of tubes and wires hanging off of him, I had failed to create this birth for both of us, for all of us. Whoa it’s hard to confront this truth and I’m getting emotional typing it. I really felt like I had failed and let myself, my new son, my husband, and every other person I have every talked to about the power of thoughts, down. Like going through seeing your child like that and dealing with my own pain wasn’t enough, that feeling of failure was absolutely soul crushing. How could I have not been able to practice what I have preached and been able to do again and again in my own personal life before then? Oh boy it was a hard time.

I see how “thought leaders” in this industry of selling the thought that you have control over everything in your life attribute being poor with not being spiritual. I see them also attribute not being healthy or having an illness as not being spiritual, that you can just turn it around with your thoughts. I think it’s all a big pile of bullshit these days. I believe in optimism and I believe in setting goals and doing your best every moment and really finding the goodness in life, but everyone has the path they need to walk and to justify it one way or another is just making a huge pile of excuses and it may sell books or speaking gigs or classes, but I don’t subscribe to this thought any more and it feels like I am breaking up with it.

I do however still believe that my thoughts influence my life, absolutely. I absolutely believe that being optimistic can bring sunshine into the gloomiest of areas and help a person get out of situations to where they really do have more sun in the sky than rain, metaphorically speaking. I’m just dropping the judgemental part of it. We all get a starting point where we are, and sure enough we can do whatever we can with it, and that’s great, that is fine, that is enough, and things happen in life, it is our attitude that helps guide us through the process but that still doesn’t justify why there are kids who starve to death, or young people who get cancer or other atrocities like this, it’s not because they aren’t spiritual enough, it’s just the hand they have been dealt and that’s it.

I’m still holding onto the need for joy and laughter and fun and time off in my life. I am still holding onto the need for beauty and smiles and healthy living. I am still holding onto the fact that loving someone else and feeling that love back is one of the most precious gifts in human existence. I am still holding onto my way of being that likes to see the bright side. I am still holding onto my understanding that we aren’t really all created equally and that we all don’t have equal ways to get ahead or to progress and I have compassion for this. I am holding onto my belief that I still get to choose in every moment who I get to be and can be that person and allowing change to happen this way in my life now. I still believe that if you surround yourself with things/people/environment that make you feel inspired to be your best self, then its a hell of a lot easier to do so. I am still in total belief that I am here to make a positive impact upon the world and will continue to do so, even if with only my smile as I pass a stranger. I will continue to share love and be love because I can.

A Pivotal Moment

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The last time I had a scare in the feminine area, I had some precancerous cells taken off of my cervix. This was enough to scare the hell out of me and enough to light a major fire under my bum to change my life. I had been working for a corporation for about nine years at the time and at that stage I was the Accounting Manager for our operation at the Grand Canyon, and wasn’t really enjoying it all that much. I found that just because you are relatively good at something doesn’t mean that’s what you are meant to be doing. I had also recently left a long term relationship with a person who I should have stopped dating six months into it, but I was young, naive, and really he was emotionally abusive, specifically with mind games and I had a hard time navigating out of it, until right before I got the call about my very abnormal pap smear.

I was twenty six just made the cut-off age for the Gardasil vaccine to prevent anything else like that happening down there for me, I was living on my own, dating various guys one after another in a very short time frame, and was really lost. Eventually came this over the top very passionate Brazilian man into my life and I just needed everything about that at the time. I ended up resigning from my job and gave away everything I owned and moved to Brazil.

This crazy time prompted a total life change. A complete jumping of timelines into a complete different path and universe. I am so thankful that it happened and I did what I did because I am here now with this beautiful son and husband that I have.

So my mind goes into thoughts about what is going on in my life, and what needs to change because something major needs to shift externally as well. I am unwell in my body for some reason, yes it can just be a random event that is happening in my body, but I do strongly believe that my mind and personal well being really does have an impact on my health. It will be essential for me to create an environment that is more aligned with my values and life. I know this. I know this means not being in the suburbs even though I have a great group of friends from my mum and bub group.

I am open to change. I am specifically open to positive change that is beneficial for myself and my loved ones.

Thoughts on being unwell

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Lately I’ve been having some issues that seem to be pointing to the large cyst that is on one of my ovaries. The combination of major bloating, loss of appetite, tiredness, abdominal pain, and general fear and stress about this has been a lot to handle. It’s been two and a half weeks straight of this and honestly it’s really wearing me down. I’m tired.

It’s so strange that my mind automatically goes to worst case scenario. In the Emergency Department they thought it was appendicitis at first, then another doctor on call there happened to be a gynaecologist and was tipped by the symptoms thinking it could be an ovarian cyst. It makes me cry thinking about it, but I’m lucky she was on duty that day and the week after when she called me to talk to me about the results of my ultrasound and what I needed to do next. I’m also lucky that I have a GP in our rural town who gives a damn and has helped me follow up with this. I have seen a GP here and they are so blase about everything and all the gynos here are booked out, with a possibility to be squeezed in a few months from now. Again that good rural GP has come through and secured me an appointment with the best gyno around in just a few days. I am so thankful and scared.

I am thankful because I can finally get some answers and not keep living with this pain and discomfort. It’s really challenging to be an energetic mum to a two year old when I feel like this. It’s really challenging emotionally as well, and I’ve been struggling with it. Sometimes I think I may need to get some antidepressants or something because my mind really does go to worst case scenario so quickly and I seem to get drowned in that feeling pretty easily. I’m not sure if it’s somehow still all triggered and tied in with my undiagnosed PTSD after having my son, or the fact that my father was diagnosed with cancer and died within one month, just last year, but it’s intense. So if physically I am having it hard, emotionally I am having it really hard.

I have such a fear of dying. I recently heard the thought that death gives life meaning, and although that can bring some comfort, overall, it still makes me question to myself “have I done enough” and this makes me sad. It makes me sad to think about all of the life I have not lived yet. It makes me sad to think about all of the experiences I have not shared with my husband and child yet. It makes me feel like I am going to miss out so much. This is a slippery slope to go on and seriously my mind just slides right in. I have to be careful.

So how do I overcome this? How do I overcome this feeling of helplessness while feeling so worn down? Usually I would say to a friend if they sought my help, I would tell them the following: Take time to feel your feelings. Then find every way possible to laugh. Find the positives that way. Eat really well. Groom really well. Wear nice clothes, wear makeup and perfume or whatever makes you feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror. Be good to yourself. Be easy on yourself, and trust that everything is happening as it ought to. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. Do what makes you feel the best. Do what brings you joy. Create, create, create. Focus on the love, the joy, the goodness happening right now.

PTSD Triggered

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Yesterday I got the opportunity to visit a new mum and her now two week old baby girl. They are both healthy and getting to know one another. Mum has plenty of milk, baby is sleeping as newborn babies do, in little spurts, and they are in contact consistently.

When I held the baby yesterday I had the strangest feelings. It wasn’t a feeling that I wanted to have another baby, in fact it was the exact opposite. I felt uncomfortable holding the baby and really tried to get into the warm loving mood with the newborn, but it didn’t really come. I marvelled at how new she was and how perfect her little features were and was able to almost objectively enjoy the situation, but deep down it wasn’t what I thought I would feel. As most of the mums in my mums group are “clucky” I excepted that I may feel like that too, but no.

The interesting thing is that I could feel the feelings of trauma, of hardship, that I associate with that stage of life. They felt incredibly real, and even moreso today for some reason. I came home and told my husband last night that I was officially over that stage of life and that we will not be having any other children. He was agreeable as he usually is, I think he was rather relieved, because it was also quite a traumatic event for him too. The son we do have is an incredible person and I am thankful every day that he is ours and that we get to grow and learn with him. I certainly don’t think we will be missing out by not having another child.

So all day, I’ve been really sensitive. I read a children’s book online earlier to vet it before reading it with my son and I started full on bawling. I mean sobbing and had to lay down, which was good timing since my son was down for a nap. It was a story about a mother who has a child and goes into the childs room at night, no matter how he’s been in the day, and rocks him and says she will always love him. It goes through the different stages of life and at the end, she needs him to come to her house, and she is too frail to pick him up and hold him, the next scene is him picking up his own daughter and singing the same song about loving her forever. I am crying now thinking about it. I feel this strong lump in my throat and my stomach feels upset and a headache is present. Whoa. What an emotional response I’m having.

So this experience of holding a newborn baby has acted as a trigger for me, bringing back the helpless and challenging feelings that I experienced after my son’s birth, when I was fully in a post traumatic stress disorder scenario. I really had thought I had moved past this, but apparently not. It’s eye opening, and I’d like to move on from this wholeheartedly, and acknowledge that I have these feelings.

Mortality

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I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife, going to heaven or hell, or reincarnating. I do know that the fear of death has been with me even when I was a child. I recall sitting at my grandmother’s knees crying asking her about death. She was a good god-fearing woman and would lean on her bible for strength in those times.

As an adult I have experienced moments when in deep stretches of meditation, that everything is unified and all of this is transient. I feel like that is more of a truth to me than believing of some light at the end of the tunnel. I have lived my life with the acceptance that now is what is, and it’s up to me to make the most of it. I have changed my life again and again in pursuit of my own growth, without a thought of if I do x now, then maybe I’ll be redeemed in heaven, or whatever. I live a moral life. I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I don’t lie on purpose, which is a great distinction from saying I always tell the truth because maybe some times I do lie but it isn’t on purpose, it’s just that memory isn’t in my memory bank at that moment, so I go with what I know and is fresh in my mind.

All in all, I really am the best person I can be and live as good of a life, making as positive of an impact as I can amongst the people I associate. I feel good about all of this. If anything, the feeling that I can be doing more is always there, which is why I am changing course and heading into medicine, so that I can positively impact even more people and have the influence so that people may actually do what I suggest.

So in researching and studying for the upcoming medical school test, GAMSAT, I have been diving in biology, anatomy and physiology, psychology, philosophy, chemistry (only lightly so far), and have recently watched a succinct version of life from start to finish from a scientific standpoint, and I was crying by the end of it. The amount of change that a person goes through in their life, especially for women, is tremendous. I am aware of my own mortality again, and all of this life seems so precious, and so fleeting, and I am tinged with sadness because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I know that I will flip this perspective and use it the opposite way, of making most of every moment and finding happiness and alleviating stress because I know it makes life better and healthier, but in this moment, right now, I am sad and I feel it.

Sadness is a rich human emotion and I am glad that I get to feel it. If I had to choose to know that I would die, I don’t know if I would choose that again. I would like to know the preventative measures I can take in order to make my physical life as healthy as possible, but if I could choose to be like an ordinary mammal and not know about my own mortality, I would. Perhaps I will change my mind when I am in a better disposition, but for now I just want to cuddle up and escape for a moment.

Love Still Shines Through Immigration Woes

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“Can you please sign this Stat Dec for immigration for us verifying our relationship.” It’s the strangest thing to have to go outside of my own relationship to have justification that it exists and is viable and continuing. It’s almost like with immigration that you are guilty until proven innocent and there isn’t anything I can do about it. They just assume that the relationship is not genuine and make you go through so many hoops, years, and money, to finally get the stamp of approval to stay. It’s a heartless process for something that is supposed to be about love, about partnership, about sharing cultures and values.

This process of applying for Permanent Residency has been heart wrenching for me. It doesn’t matter that I am married to an amazing man. It doesn’t matter that we have a child together, who was born here. It doesn’t matter that we have been in a relationship for over 5 years now. At this stage, I can still be asked to leave at any time, even though I do have a current Partner Visa. It sucks. It’s so hard to not have that base security. It’s so hard to always feel on edge about whether or not you might have to leave the life you have built.

Most recently I’ve had to ask friends, some for the second time, to bear witness to my relationship. Not only that but I need them to then  get it certified and prove that they are a citizen themselves or at least have PR. It’s a hassle, it’s all a hassle. The thing is that if it’s only me having to be the one going through this hellacious process, that’s one thing, but it’s not just me. It has to extend to family on both sides, it has to extend to people who know us both. It’s such an invasive process of asking for someone else’s okay about the relationship that normally wouldn’t be any of their business. Not only that but normal relationship rules don’t even apply to my husband and I. Since I was not born here, and I am in the process of immigrating, we have to go through so much more effort, and more authority based things than normal couples would even go through, like having a joint bank account, or both of our names being on the lease, or doing either of those two things literally the day that you decided to have an exclusive relationship. No one does that. Not normal couples. So to then be judged as a normal couple when our standards are already so much higher, is crazy, and redundant to me.

A positive in this process, is that I have gotten back some of the statutory declarations and they have been heart warming. Where friends have written how they can see the love between David and I and that we try to make everyone else’s lives happy. This makes me cry even writing it. So a strange twisted positive is, that I actually get to have feedback from friends about how I operate in the world, and how my husband and I as a family operate in the world. That isn’t something you’d normally get, and it’s endearing. It has shown me that I really do extend my love to those around me, that my husband and I really do show loving affection for one another and that we are a connected family unit. I always want to do my best to help improve the world and share love, and oddly, in this process, that has been confirmed.

Now, I’d just like to have my PR granted and move on to citizenship and be done with all of this. In the end we all want to be loved, and I know that loving myself and loving others, is the way that it circulates around. Even with having this heavy burden of loving someone foreign and wanting to have a family who gets to live and have all the same rights as everyone else, it still shines through, my love, our love still shines through.

Online Coaching

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It’s a mixture of feelings, of disgust, guilt, and feeling like I may have missed the boat. There are so many other life coaches, and business coaches, and health coaches, and parenting coaches, and every other kind of coach imaginable now online. I see them in my news feed every single day. I see their stories of how they were broke and look at them now all tanned in a holiday location living the mobile lifestyle. Otherwise I see the ones that are just starting out who are still in their office slash bedroom telling you how they can help you change your life. I don’t believe them all. I can’t.

I mean, how do you know who to trust afterall? I paid ten grand for a program that wasn’t actually ready to be taken, by a couple of coaches who had incredible marketing skills and a fast talking salesperson who boasted that she was great at NLP, which I now know is basically the ability to use words and ideas to convince you that you made the choice yourself. It’s all kinda bullshit. I took the course as it was being developed, and I got in on the “discount” early bird price because I was told it was going to double in price, even though they had just started out. Now when I look at their website, nothing has changed, and their social media presence pretty much stopped at the same time I had to stop to have my baby. Perhaps none of us were ready. However, if I am going to spend that much money, I expect that they know what they are doing, what they are talking about, and are able to actually help me along.

This industry of coaching has certainly tapped into the more ambitious self help people out there. Those of us who know we have more to offer but for one reason or another, continue “healing”. I cannot underestimate the power of spending time on yourself and learning what makes you tick. It is important, it does help you understand why you are a maniac when it comes to hearing other people eat, or why you have to have order in your life to feel productive. The thing is that once you are in that healing phase, it’s actually hard to climb out of it and actually use it. So much insecurity arises, so much doubt, so much wanting to be the one who is taking the coddled journey. It’s low risk if you are only helping yourself, and for someone like me who wants to help others and does help others every single day but not in that big grand internet coaching way that I see advertised to me every 8 posts on social media, it can get discouraging.

to be continued…

My Mind

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I love the way my mind works. It is mysterious, it has great moments of clarity and insight. My mind is easily able to connect disparate things, items, genres, ideas, and is able to find the similarities. My mind is highly impressionable as well, I can sit with things and they can greatly affect me. My mind is also one that absolutely takes what it wants and leaves the rest behind, integrating as I go along, as I absorb new information. My mind works best when I am immersed in something, something different, something stimulating, something worthwhile like solving problems, or creating a base connection between things.

My mind is wild, imaginative, and I have beautifully descriptive dreams that are very close to reality that sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. The mind doesn’t know the difference I guess, so I have to dissect it to understand, yet I certainly don’t do this all the time. It would be too much. Plus I have other responsibilities.

I am highly inspired by so much, beyond just nature and it’s perfection, but onto man made things, and ideas, and intangible things. It all has an affect on me and I carry all of what I have been around with me. It’s really beautiful that way. Multifaceted, able to debate for debate’s sake, able to get to the root of the problem, able to see from different sides, able to laugh at my own self.

I also have to remember that I am in control of my mind, not the other way around. It is a great power and with that does indeed come great responsibility and I do my best to use it with care. Although I could likely use it at a great capacity than what I currently am, but this is a stage I am in as a full time carer and I am a using my mind to be the best mother I can be.

Unattachment and Change

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The biggest barrier for real change is attachment. Having an attachment of the idea of what you think will happen, or the expectation of a future event is the downfall of progressive change. In order for real change to happen, the unknown must be embraced so that whatever actually does happen, based on goals and aspirations, that it is not shrugged off as not what you were looking for. The acceptance of ambiguity must be there so that the progress along the way isn’t underestimated. Just as a seed is growing underground, you don’t pull it up every week to see it’s progress, you just trust that it is indeed doing what it is designed to do. We are all meant, all designed to be born, grow, evolve, and then die. This is the process. It happens again and again.

Even when we think that we know what will happen in the future, there are so many variables, that it is necessary to release attachment of the outcome and embrace what actually does happen. By looking for the underlying theme, the underlying feeling, you can determine if what has unfolded is on the right path. Life is so full and so much happens every day, and every single thing really does matter. Even the simple option of what you want for breakfast matters because it sets up habits in your mind, it affects your body, it makes an impact. In ten years this may seem insignificant, but it isn’t because it is now a part of you. Everything that happens now is based on the past, and everything that will happen in the future is also based on what you do now in the present. Releasing attachment to what has happened before, and what may happen in the future is essential in order to minimise the drag that can happen when making change. The drag that stymies growth, the drag that may slow down progress to where a person gives up because they aren’t getting there fast enough because they are attached to a certain outcome and it has not manifested clearly enough for them to realise it.

So in order to utilise this idea to our advantage, it is best to accept that the future version of you is already here. The mind doesn’t know the difference. It’s best to accept that the future version of life is already here. The mind doesn’t know the difference. By understanding which virtues, which attributes you value, you can infuse them into now, in order to create this version. Staying unattached to the proposed outcome during this process is as essential as accepting that the change has already happened. It’s all habits, it’s all mind play, It’s all change, and it’s all happening right now. Right now.

The Genre Must Change

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If your genre always thinks its at the edge of destruction, it will never fully emerge into the next paradigm. Instead of holding onto the hippie movement, let go and embrace the next chapter. Take the good things with you, but don’t hold on to what was because it will never be that again. Let go of nostalgia, and do whatever you can to make this next paradigm the best version of itself.

If the mindset is always that “we are so close” then that’s all it will be, so close, but never actually gets there.

The mindset for actual change must be that it’s already happened. It must be of a thought solely of the new paradigm and how it operates. It’s about understanding the virtues of the new paradigm.

If the new paradigm is that technology is here to stay, then one must embrace it and use it wholeheartedly to avoid the heartbreak of the feeling of not wanting to be a part of something that is happening anyway. It would be a matter of embracing the “this is now” paradigm and making the most of it. of course, understanding the shadow side and still working with it as well.

The old is old, the new is here, let it be. Infuse the goodness of the past and work it into the future that is now. Holding on is a futile effort as it will always be filled with strife and disappointment because it is not what will survive in the future.

In order to emerge into the next realm of growth, of evolution, we have to announce that it is here, not that it’s coming. It is here. It is now. This is how the change can happen without holding on to what was because that is long over. That genre is over. It’s over. The next one is fuelled by it, but it is not the old one, it is its own new version.

In order to be the next version, you have to be The Next Version.

Announce that the new is here. This is it. Be in it. Breathe it in. Learn it’s ways. Thrive. Then Flourish and Lead.