Not Meant as a Single Parent

Posted on by admin

Seriously I am not meant to be a single parent. Specifically, I am certainly not meant to be a person who has to solely look after another person who is dependent upon them. It is too much. Add to that the additional tasks of looking after elderly people and I am at a breaking point. I literally broke down in tears as I just couldn’t do any more. There’s a thing where I can hold it all together to a point. Then it will be something minor that is the straw that breaks the camels back. Today it was the criticism of too much salt in the meals I have been making after I was some how given the task of being the meal creator for everyone else along with myself and my little person. I am stretched too thin as it is. Not having family support due to geographic location and the rest of the family not being so family oriented, leaves the whole raising of the child to the parents. Then when one parent is away, it’s just that one person. Then to add more to that workload, it’s too much. Too much.

Also people forget what it’s like to have their first child. They also forget what it’s like to have only one child. It’s a big freaking deal. No one else occupies their time, no one else plays with them, it’s all left to me. It’s all, every thing, left to me. We have had a demi pair in the past and that has helped to alleviate that, but at the farm that isn’t the case. Everyone is so stretched here, and that is just the way of land, but now, for me at this stage of my life, it’s more than I can handle.

Exhale. This is me venting. It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m also so frustrated that I can’t fix the issues here, I don’t have the money right now to afford a million dollar property to help everyone out. I don’t have the means and it’s so frustrating. I feel like it’s all slipping away and I’m too taxed personally to do anything about it. Also being at the beginning stages of making a family it’s at odds with being at the beginning stages of building a grand fortune. I chose to have a baby with intention. I chose to have a baby so that I can experience this, so that I am there with the child. I don’t want to give that experience away to someone else, that isn’t what I want in my life. The solution isn’t just to send the baby to daycare so that I can work a full time job and bring in income and then see my baby for maximum 3 hours of wake time a day. It’s fucking bullshit. I am not doing that, I am not doing it that way and it makes me feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to find another way. Sure getting another demi pair will help. that will alleviate some time, but for christ sakes, when I don’t have the money to pay the freaking person, then i get someone who isn’t really qualified and I don’t trust them. So I have to be on hand, with my ear out all the time anyway. I don’t know how to win at this right now without having the financial resources.

This post isn’t really about being a single parent, it’s really about being frustrated with the limitations in my life, the lack of income, and the additional load of looking after others. That’s what it’s about. It’s that I feel this life is out of our reach. It’s that I need to just let go of the idea of buying the farm because it’s not going to happen. How on earth would I magically get 1 million dollars and then how would I then have money to do anything with that land after that? It’s too much and I can’t do it.

My husband is away at the moment and looking after bub full time all day every day and night, when he is not sleeping, is really wearing on me. I need help and if I do have another person in looking after bub, i want them to be an actual au pair, and one that I don’t then also have to clean up after, because that’s bullshit too, exchanging looking after one person to then look after another. This doesn’t make sense.

Additional thought after venting and 15 minutes:

Now that I’ve had a moment, the thing is that the farm needs help. They need help to maintain the farm, to maintain the egg business, to maintain the processing business, and to maintain the animals. On top of that my husband’s parents also need help. They need help by someone cleaning up the house. They need help by someone cooking meals. They need help for my mother in law who will likely have to have a heart operation. They need help to look after my father in law who has parkinson’s. They need help anyway because they are in their 80s. I also need help as I have a small child and that seems so minor when looking at everything else here that needs help, but I need help too. I need to realise that the farm is not mine to fix. It is my mother in laws, and she always says that it is a family company so it’s everyone’s even though no one else seems to really care other than my husband and I. It’s not enough. I am not the superhero and I need to understand that my position in life right now is as a mother to a toddler and as a wife to a husband who works non-stop. This is what it is. This is where we are, this is where I am, and somehow I just need to accept this so i don’t get into these big emotional meltdowns about it all. I am too attached to it and without help myself I certainly cannot help the rest.

I guess selling the farm is the right move. Then my parents in law can afford the help they need. They can stop doing the egg business and just focus on this small property. They can have a single woofer to help them maintain the yards and garden, and then it’s done. Maybe it really is for the best. Sure the person who buys the rest of the land may very well build their new house directly in front of this house, and that would be there right and then the view would be lost, and in turn this last part of the land would lose its’ value, and you know what, that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Sure the person who buys the land might protest about having a chicken farm next to them, and it would be there right, and all of the money we have put into it would be for naught, and that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Maybe all of this has to be let go after all.

Sleep

Posted on by admin

It is amazing how sleep affects my life. It is more so an issue when I don’t get enough sleep. Having a baby is almost a contract to say that you vow to not get enough sleep for the rest of your life. At least, that is how having a baby has effected my sleeping patterns. If I am sleep deprived, I am more emotional, moody, I eat and drink more than I normally would, and I really struggle. I can certainly make it through, but it’s not my best, and it doesn’t feel good at all to scrape by like that.

My baby decided that 4am was the right time to wake up after a night of being up and down every hour or so since a short while after he went to bed. That’s a big deal. It was like this when he was a little baby and there was a point where my husband and I took shifts to so the other could sleep. So now when he’s 18 months old and a night comes like that, albeit it’s not as often as it was when he was brand new, it still carries such a weight with it. That weight is felt in my eyelids the next day, and even this evening as I type this out. That weight is felt in my body as I eat another burrito, and another tea. That weight is felt in my gaze as I drive, and it’s felt with every step when I heave him up to hold him on my hip.

It’s a big deal feeling slightly like a heavy zombie who has a dependent who cannot speak words and only demands via grunts and loud cries. You see, the baby is also sleep deprived. He also had a bad night. The poor guy. The situation with teeth coming in is rough. Almost any new growing pain that comes along can be really challenging for the little guy. Most of the time I realise this, but when I am also really tired, it definitely tries me.

I had to step outside with him at 430a into the starry autumn early morning just to jolt a change that would be different from crying inside holding him because nothing else I was doing was working. It did work, it helped us both actually. Isn’t the night sky amazing? I mean really, its so vast, so peaceful, so humbling. It’s hard not be taken aback a bit and feel that sense of awe and wonder, especially so when in the countryside where the sky is so clear and every star seems to be in it’s sparkling brilliance.

Sleep. I love you. Baby I love you. Now let’s have the things I love, love each other, please 🙂 Thank you. I promise I’ll be better tomorrow.

 

 

Sleep

On Holiday Every Day

Posted on by admin

Recently a friend of mine commented that she had never thought of living in a place like the Northern Rivers because that is a place you go to on Holidays to get away from the city, that she hadn’t even considered it was an option. I hadn’t even thought that it wouldn’t be a consideration which is really telling about the differences between us. She commented that of course I consider this to be my normal and understands why I want to return and leave the city.

The thing is, that if I only have one life to live, why not spend it like I’m on holiday? Why not live in a destination location with beautiful scenery and spaciousness? Why not wake up and stretch and be good to my body? Why not make love in the morning or afternoon on a Tuesday if I want? Why not eat fresh healthy gourmet style foods? Why not have a live in helper? Why not live like a life of luxury every single day? It is an option, and it definitely is my Plan A.

In general, why not live the best way possible, have the nicest conveniences, and really enjoy life? I see no reason not to and every single reason to do it. That feeling of being on holiday shouldn’t be reserved for 2 weeks at a time, why not infuse it every day?

Older Women

Posted on by admin

When I see an older woman doing life right, I really try to observe her ways and learn from what she is doing. By “doing life right” I really mean, that she is healthy physically, seems to be nicely emotionally stable, and is well groomed. I guess it’s because I want myself to be like that, and I don’t really know that many women who fit this bill within my close personal circle, so when i see them, I want to know more.

My mother and I have had a strange relationship most of the life that I can recall, and her habits haven’t been so positive over the years. Even though now she doesn’t do any hard drugs, that was a mainstay for quite a while and it definitely took it’s toll. My grandmother looked after me a lot when I was growing up and I have noticed that a key to thriving in that 3rd stage of life, beyond 70, is to keep active, and eat lean meals.

My interest lately has been with women who are in their 50s and 60s. I’ve noticed from a woofer of sorts that we’ve had at the farm who is pretty healthy, that she has quite a routine with her meals. Every morning she has a bowl full of fresh greens, with healthy fats like avocado and a drizzle of olive oil, a dark piece of toast with chopped up fresh garlic, all kicked off with a shot of apple cider vinegar and a small glass of Vitamin C. Then about midmorning she will have a small shot of espresso with a tiny piece of healthy cake that she makes with dried fruit. This is her routine every morning.

This older woofer also gets out in the garden, and goes to regular meetings for something anonymous in town. Her interests are obviously in design and she keeps up to date with magazines from the library and others that are all current. It’s almost like she studies them. She keeps a very clean house and uses natural products to do it. Everything needs to be in order, and her room is nicely decorated despite not having too much stuff. She wears a beautiful kimono at night and in the morning, and seems to really enjoy that kind of luxury. Overall, I really like observing her and seeing what she does so that I can emulate it or at least take in a bit of it to help out my own life and longevity. Like anything in life, I’ll take what works for me, and leave the rest.

It’s really incredible to have the opportunity to actually live with people of different ages. There’s a difference when people are in their own home versus when they are out. You really get a truer sense of who a person is when you see them at 7am in the morning, or watching their daily habits. It’s really fascinating to me. It’s much easier to understand people when you see who they really are, not the version of themselves that portray in public. I appreciate looking behind the scenes of it all.

I would love to have a female mentor in that age group, in her 50s and 60s, who has experienced a life similar to mine, and has been able to really succeed emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I would absolutely love that kind of relationship in my life. A win-win for both of us.

Return to Uni Campus

Posted on by admin

Today I was invited to have a catch up coffee with one of my old professors from Uni. How lovely it was to return to the lush Lismore campus! I could easily feel that relaxed vibe that oozes out of Southern Cross University. There were cute boho girls, surfy guys, dreadheads, asian students, and the academia. It was wonderful. My old professor teaches Marketing Principles and says they still use my example in class from a project I did nearly four years ago! That was quite the compliment to be honest. He then went on to tell me I was definitely one of the best students he has ever had, and that also felt really good to hear.

Truth is, I do know that I have amazing potential, that I am enthusiastic, fair minded, I enjoy problem solving and am a great communicator. I sometimes forget it seems, and it’s so nice to be reminded. I felt like I had to explain why I hadn’t achieved more than I have because I chose to get married and have a baby after graduating. I felt like I had to make excuses in a way, which felt kind of weird. I then remembered that I have actually started a business with my husband, the poultry processing business and it is actually running and brining in cashflow now. I always have these big images of what my business will be like, and how I will impact the world, and somehow I just ignore these other more mundane or less exciting, things in my life, even though they are also important.

Just for fun I keep up with Marketing topics via books, blogs, and general perception. I enjoy business and I enjoy marketing, so I naturally want to learn more about these, and I do. My learning certainly has not stopped since I graduated from University, it was just a nice restarting point for me, and I am grateful. I was asked if I was going to pursue my PhD or get my Masters, and I said that both were on my mind, but wasn’t sure when. I said I really needed to get my permanent residency first, which surprised him as he was certain I was already a citizen here. Yeah, I should be! I will be. Just not quite yet apparently.

It’s interesting to think of all the options out there in the world, ready and ripe for my taking. I trust that I am exactly where I need to be in life, and also trust that I am doing what I need in order to move forward in the best possible way. How nice it has been to be back home up here in the Northern Rivers with the divine weather and loving vibe.

Full Cup

Posted on by admin

My cup feels so incredibly full right now. So full of joy, so full of warmth and love. It’s in the Northern Rivers where I feel this kind of ease and peace. When I was driving back from the shops, I saw my moon, the sliver that looks like a smile in the sky. Its the moon that I see as a reminder that I am in the right place. I looked up as I drove and said out loud in the car by myself “I know, I know”. This is the place where we need to be, where I and my family need to be.

I started to demand that the Universe show the steps, show the way now for this to happen. I am ready, I have never been more ready than right now. Our child is ready and it’s time for him to be spending more time with his grandparents while they are still able. It’s time for us to have the comforts and security of having money along with healthcare. It’s time for all of this. I love this feeling of a full cup, and I want more please. Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on by admin

Being a Mother is a big deal. It’s so much more of a big deal than I ever gave it credit, and probably still only know the beginning of it. I have learned that it is referred to as the “Initiation” when women become mother’s. It’s a leaving behind everything that you once knew in order to forge ahead in life as a wholly different person really. To experience such a wild transformation would of course yield major changes. It’s almost like climbing Mt Everest, something I haven’t done, but I imagine it’s similar. Having to battle the elements, with one foot in front of the other, feeling the weight of your bag getting heavier at each turn, then finally reaching the top, only to have to come back down again, exhausted, spent, and with new eyes.

It’s almost like major transformation requires that, it requires you to use every bit of physical and emotional stamina you have, it requires that you give everything, where nothing else is left, then you can make it through to the next stage of life. Being burnt to a crisp is so incredibly challenging, and I am sure that more women go through horrible post natal depression than they let on. I am sure that more women have battles with themselves and their choices than what they talk about. The image of the perfect mother getting back into shape, and carrying on like she wasn’t just broken physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, like a fast forward button had been pushed and suddenly it’s the same woman but now with a baby, is such a fallacy. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it isn’t this picture perfect image, not for any woman I know whom has actually divulged and truly shared what is happening for her in her life.

Even amongst the sample population within my mother’s group, there have been a myriad of situations including not healing all the way physically, having post natal depression, miscarriage or a pregnancy entirely too soon that did culminate in another child, relationships that were rocky, relationships that then ceased to exist as they once were, the push pull dynamic of needing to have 2 incomes versus having the mum spend these unbelievably important early years with the baby, it’s like every one of the women I know has gone through quite a bit with this. The challenge is real, that’s for damn sure. The perfect image is such bullshit, and I now know this firsthand.

So here’s to all the Mother’s who have made the most out of it. To all the mother’s who have silently dealt with their pain. To all the mother’s who have given of themselves so selflessly and have done it because it’s just what a mother does. Here’s to all the mother’s who nurture, who teach, who live in love every day, it is a special privilege and I am so thankful that I am one of them.

Driving as Meditation

Posted on by admin

Oh how I love a road trip. I love the open roads, I love looking out to the big open sky, I love the changing scenery, and I love my mind unleashes in the car. It’s interesting when sitting in one place for hours on end, with a direct focus on the road, instantly puts me into a meditative state. It’s wonderful. It’s lucid, it’s both relaxed and alert, which is something I strive for in general. This happens as soon as I’m out of the city and on a stretch of road that I know I’ll be on for a while. It’s wonderful.

I have taken many road trips in my life and have taken solo ones as well, which I highly recommend to every person, just for your own growth. These days my road tripping is generally contained while on vacation, or when heading up the farm which is a full long day of driving. I honestly don’t mind it though. I find it rather soothing, as long as it’s not dark!

My mind comes up with such amazing thoughts, ideas, insights, and flares of brilliance when I’m driving. On a few occasions I’ve actually recorded it, but not nearly enough. It’s a great time to actually talk out loud and speak whatever is brewing at every level of my mind and heart. It’s sometimes totally divine and just comes out so easily.

I’ve often found refuge in my car, even from a young age. I would just go on drives by myself. Sometimes I still even sit in my car even after I’ve arrived some place because it feels comfortable to me. It’s a safe place, it helps me to go where I want to both physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have worked out so many emotions when driving, and it’s not reserved just for rage.

Music is a natural companion in the car as it speaks to the soul on a different level, and what better place than when you are on a road trip and in that relaxed yet alert state, so perfect. It’s also so perfect when the radio keeps scanning because there isn’t a station that can be picked up. That’s a great time to dive inward. Recently I was listening to a audible book and it was also so perfect to listen so openly, I am certain I absorbed those words more effectively than if I were doing much of anything else.

Meditation doesn’t have to be sitting lotus position with your eyes closed. It is available all the time, in so many different ways and I am thankful to realise and experience this for what it is, expanding consciousness and awareness, even when going from point A to point B.

Emotional Affair

Posted on by admin

I do have an emotional affair with my inner self. I really do. I hadn’t fully thought about that until recently. I love experiencing my own emotions, my own feelings, and I particularly like when I get to do that on my own terms, in my own way, and alone. I don’t like to go through some emotional upheaval in the presence of others. I don’t feel like I can totally let loose and fully be in my emotions that way.

Perhaps this is why I have been journaling and blogging since I was 18, it’s been a way for me to talk to myself, privately, and intimately. As most long term love affairs go, it has only gotten better with time. I have become more honest with myself. I have exposed my whole soul to myself. I love that I have been brave enough to do this, because it does take bravery to be this way. To allow space for my own emotional vulnerability is brave, it does take intention, and I am almost proud of myself for starting this habit so many years ago. That means, that for half of my life I have been writing in some form. That’s beautiful. I love this emotional long term love affair, and it will only continue to grow stronger, deeper, more transparent, and expansive.

Home

Posted on by admin

Returning to the Northern Rivers is like coming home. It well and truly feels unlike any other “Home” I’ve felt outside of Yosemite National Park. I have never felt this warm loving way about my actual hometown, nor the place where I went to University. Those were all places that I lived for a while, grew in, and then left. This however, this feeling of home in the Northern Rivers of Australia, is indeed home.

What is that feeling? It’s a warm mix of familiarity, love, openness, and a real sense of connection, of closeness. It extends beyond just the beautiful nature, and the friendly people, it’s in the air, it’s in the soil, it’s on the radio, it’s everywhere around.

Returning to the farm and seeing things of mine from before, before having baby even, it almost feels like what I have read about other people going home on Christmas holidays or the like. To me, it truly feels like this is my home, like actual home. I have grown so close to my husband’s parents, and I love them. I love them as though they were my own, and with a deepness like I have always known them. I love getting to come back home and experience this again, it is so special and I hope to one day make my own “home” that feels like home.