life

Love and Getting Lost

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I am in a stage in life that I am totally in love with. Not that I am not typically in love, that is just how I am, but especially right now. I am just a lover in general and I… Love, yes… love that about who I am. It is much better, in my opinion, to be in love… and I am letting that feeling take me away. Love is the best natural high there is… It brings you to search out the truth in things, it inspires you to appreciate the environment that surrounds you, it helps you to come to revelations through self love and exploration, growth, development and transformation… 

I love to get lost in my thoughts… I love to get totally into it. I love to dance, I was dancing around by myself this morning for a good hour… ah… I just get lost in it… It may not always make sense, but I think that is just how it goes. You have to lose yourself! In order to find whatever you are looking for you have to get lost… Now that may seem way out there, but that is when you find the best things in life… always. When you are out there doing something that you haven’t done before… creating new memories, creating new thoughts, going for it… enveloping yourself in what you are doing right then… letting the passion override all other things… when you do allow this to happen, great things are bound to come… I believe this wholeheartedly… 

Love creates a better world… Love makes everything better.

A Poem: Tidal Wave

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Like a tidal wave of chaos, emotion and life hitting me all at once… for a moment I felt like my feet were in the sand, the sun shinning down, a nice breeze and all was going well. I then realized that there was a shadow overhead, something covering up the light, the sun… oh, wait, it is the mighty mighty water that I have learned to love and fear and it is coming my way, I can try to run, but I am so far in now that it is hard… I feel the wind whipping around, I try to run, I try to but it is so hard when you run against the wind in the sand, my feet get really hot, I don’t move so fast, that same heat shocks my body, makes my heart pound but this time it doesn’t help me to get out of the way… the water comes down in a force unlike anything I have really felt before, I am brought under the water, I can see the air but cannot breathe, I can see the light above, but cannot swim up to it, my body is being trashed around, that precious sand is slapping against my body during it all… I just want to get up and out of the water, I want to be on dry land again… my mind takes me to that place or at least how I remember the shore to be. Eventually the tide will return to the ocean, I know this will happen, I just need to keep this thought with me at all times… there will be relief and it will teach me a bit more about life… maybe to stay a little closer to shore… but in it all I must recall that this is where the tidal waves hit…

A Poem: Time to Get Healthy

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I’m well aware its time to get healthy. 

How can I serve myself when I feel so filthy?

I overthink, I don’t let go – my mind is a messy clutter. 

My visions blurred, it makes me feel lost and fluttered. 

I constantly replay the scenes from my past

then I skip to now to compare and contrast. 

 

It does me no good to live my life this way

I’m ready to be carefree an relearn how to play. 

So I drive by myself down the lonely highway

to pick up fruit and a big fragrant bouquet. 

The flowers make me smile and I gain some headway, 

my mood starts to lighten and the grey goes away. 

It’s simple pleasures like these that make me so gay –

an easy slow drive through the mountains on a Tuesday 

that remind me I know how to climb the big stairway. 

I’m really good at closing myself off,

but its because of this that I’ve finally read Chekhov. 

 

I have one foot on the step, my hand is gripping the rail. 

I get real distracted and want a pale ale. 

I shake that urge, I refocus and consciously exhale. 

I need all my energy or else I might bail

and I can’t do that nor can I fail. 

I know I have a long journey ahead, 

I’m resisting the temptation to give up and be led.

So I’m finally pulling myself together

striving everyday to be a little better.

 

It has to be easier than I’m making it

so I’m reframing the window so I can benefit.

I’ve been learning quite a bit and still have more to go

I know its up to me how long I’m gonna row.

I have to have faith that it will happen

as I’m climbing the stairs out of the canyon

making my own pace while slaying my dragons 

working my way up so I can sit in the wind and listen to the aspen.

Back in the USA!

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The last couple of weeks have been like a world wind. I have had to come back unexpectedly to the United States after hearing word that my grandmother was in a grave condition. She still isn’t doing well, but is hanging on. I have experienced a lot of culture shock since I arrived back in my own home country. It is hard to describe. When I first realized that I could understand the conversations happening around me on the plane and then sequentially at the airport, it threw me off. It was like all of a sudden I could hear everything again. Like I had been deaf for a long long time and voila! now I could hear.

I spent time back with my family in the Central Valley of California, but it is always an overwhelming experience there and that certainly hasn’t changed. I have dubbed it the land of flowing milk and republicans… shew. That along with a few days of constant family time and I needed to head up to Yosemite, where I have called home during the majority of my adult life. I am still in the loop with my grandmothers health and condition and am much much closer than I was before and I think everyone feels better about it. A part of me feels like I should be back with them visiting my grandmother every day at the home, but it just takes so much out of me and I don’t feel strong enough to support that right now. I am hoping I will have the strength, the internal strength I need soon so I can return and be there for everyone.

How do you get over someone?

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How do you really get over someone that you have loved? Someone that you have truly loved? Is it even possible? After sharing a life with someone you are then a part of them and will always have their influence, good or bad, with you no matter where you go. No matter how far you try to go to get away from it all, they are still with you in some way.

When you put yourself out there and you love, and you receive love it is something beyond the universe. It is the divine goodness and feeling that overwhelms everything that is you. How do you and how can you stop something so powerful? How can you truly get over someone that you have felt this way about? How is it even possible?